I'm already regretting this post. I know the responses are going to be hateful and exhausting. [I Married Curious]

So I'm married. It's been seven years now, so I should be getting the itch right?

Nope.

I'm very happy with the relationship. There are things that frustrate the hell out of me, but those exist in every relationship. The amount of work I do to take care of her as well as loving her can be exhausting at times. She can be really spiteful and it bothers me. I'm concerned that recently she's started 'reading more right wing stuff' because she's rebounding against the idea that we all need to be educated about racism.

But like I say, none of these are things that stop me from loving her. What's changed during lockdown is my understanding of myself. I've always argued against monogamy in a theoretical way, but being stuck in one place with one person - even someone I love - for these months has made me realise I am not a monogamous person. I guess that makes me polyamorous.

I've talked to her really openly and honestly about this. I've told her I've thought hard about it and explained exactly how I feel. I'd like the opportunity to say yes to situations that come up spontaneously. I've explained that I'm completely capable of falling in love with, and being in love with other people without this diminishing my feelings for her. I've said that there's no danger of me meeting someone and running away with them, because I'd only be interested in exploring with people who understand and respect that I love her and I'm not going anywhere.

She thought about it. Accepted that that's who I am. Went away for two days on a planned trip to see a friend.

When she came back she told me the whole idea made her sad and maybe we should just split up now to save things from falling apart over time. I immediately said this isn't what I wanted, the whole point is that I want to be with her, and be myself.

But I don't know if that's possible.

This is one of the rare posts where I'm actually asking for advice. What should I do?

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InOtterWords · F

Anyone that responds to this in a way that belittles you or is hateful should really think before replying.

First of all, you have been open and honest with her. Did she have any inkling that you may have felt this way before?

Although this has only become real for you during lockdown you have theorised about it before, it is not new for you but for her it is.

Also, when you two married, this was not a factor, and so she married you with the expectation of forsaking all others. For you to now say you want to be with other women may feel like you are breaking your vows, i think of a couple i knew that didn't want kids, 10 years later she changed her mind and he didn't and he could not understand why she expected him to when he has not changed.

Thirdly, you wife is post-partum. The changes in her body will make her feel insecure, also we all hear of men who no longer see their wives as sexual beings once they become mothers... this will all add to any insecurities she might have.

All this is said not to say you are in the wrong, just to maybe try and put yourself in her shoes.

You have a number of options available to you as I see it:

You carry on as is and suppress your own self for the sake of your marriage. She may never come round to the idea and you may have to just live with that.

You stay together but you hope she will come round, which may lead to her agreeing or it may lead to what she fears, a longer dragged out end to the relationship.

You leave and then work on your next relationship being open from the start.

And.... i have tried to think of this as your relationship with each other, but you are both parents and you have a child to factor into this relationship. He deserves a happy family environment, where both parents are happy to be there.

Big hugs, you need to weigh up your own priorities and the consequences and really decide on what is the best thing for you all.

Always here just to listen, you know I won't judge 🤗

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@InOtterWords thank you. I promise I've looked at this from all her perspectives you've mentioned.

This is something we've talked about for years, it's only during lockdown that it's become a real thing for me personally, rather than just something I believe in principle.

I've made it completely clear to her than none of this affects the way I see her and the way I feel about her. We still find new things to do with each other in private and in public, and I'm very happy with those.

She understands that this is about me, not about our relationship.

InOtterWords · F

@CheshireCatalyst when you have discussed it theoretically in the past what was her view?

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@InOtterWords she understands it, she accepts that it makes sense, but emotionally she's uncomfortable with it. She'll usually say something like "when we're in our fifties we'll try x"

But that's fifteen years away. And it's very vague.

InOtterWords · F

@CheshireCatalyst that is vague and if it is OK in your 50s why not now?

But also, is there a rush?

Another thing to consider is you may be able to develop a relationship with someone else and not let it affect her relationship with you, but can she? Would she be able to start something with someone without it developing i to anything else?

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@InOtterWords she doesn't want to, because - I'm aware of how arrogant this sounds - I meet her needs. She has the privilege of not needing anything I can't give her. I've given her the freedom to do anything she wants to do, and she's not interested in anything else.

That will absolutely change in future, she's realise there's something she wants that isn't me, and I'll be totally open to whatever that is.

It feels very urgent right now because it's a recent realisation, but there's no rush, and no pressure from me.