I'm already regretting this post. I know the responses are going to be hateful and exhausting. [I Married Curious]

So I'm married. It's been seven years now, so I should be getting the itch right?

Nope.

I'm very happy with the relationship. There are things that frustrate the hell out of me, but those exist in every relationship. The amount of work I do to take care of her as well as loving her can be exhausting at times. She can be really spiteful and it bothers me. I'm concerned that recently she's started 'reading more right wing stuff' because she's rebounding against the idea that we all need to be educated about racism.

But like I say, none of these are things that stop me from loving her. What's changed during lockdown is my understanding of myself. I've always argued against monogamy in a theoretical way, but being stuck in one place with one person - even someone I love - for these months has made me realise I am not a monogamous person. I guess that makes me polyamorous.

I've talked to her really openly and honestly about this. I've told her I've thought hard about it and explained exactly how I feel. I'd like the opportunity to say yes to situations that come up spontaneously. I've explained that I'm completely capable of falling in love with, and being in love with other people without this diminishing my feelings for her. I've said that there's no danger of me meeting someone and running away with them, because I'd only be interested in exploring with people who understand and respect that I love her and I'm not going anywhere.

She thought about it. Accepted that that's who I am. Went away for two days on a planned trip to see a friend.

When she came back she told me the whole idea made her sad and maybe we should just split up now to save things from falling apart over time. I immediately said this isn't what I wanted, the whole point is that I want to be with her, and be myself.

But I don't know if that's possible.

This is one of the rare posts where I'm actually asking for advice. What should I do?

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DarkHeaven ·

I say this with all the kindness that I can, because I in no way think your a bad person. Just because you are polyamorous, doesn’t mean she is or even can be. I’m not wired that way and maybe neither is she. The only threesome that I’ve ever had was with one of my ex girlfriend’s best friend and her and I. We did several times before we got serious and even then, although it was sexy, it just left me feeling dirty afterwards. Once we got serious in the relationship... I told her that I couldn’t anymore and we moved on to monogamy after that. Life’s about choices and that was ours. I’ve never been able to separate sex and love and is the reason that I’ve never had a one night stand. I get that you are different and I say this with all respect but it seems both you and her have some very big choices ahead of you. You both deserve happiness but it might not be with each other. If I was her, I couldn’t do what you are asking... ever. That in no way makes you wrong... maybe just not right for her. Hopefully you understand this with all the kindness that I meant it. Good luck to you both. ☮️

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@DarkHeaven thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate you putting so much into this x

DarkHeaven ·

@CheshireCatalyst Of course. Good luck. 🦋

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@DarkHeaven I wonder though, if we talked it through some more maybe it could still work out.

She's not against the idea.

She understands that's who I am and we still love each other.

She accepts that one person is not enough for anyone.

There's some detail that she's got in mind that makes her sad about this, and knowing her it's something ridiculous that I'm not planning to do anyway. I know when we first talked about it she said the thing that bothered her was the idea of me spending money on booking hotel rooms with someone 😅 as if I'm going to be in the Ritz honeymoon suite every weekend lol

DarkHeaven ·

@CheshireCatalyst It’s not that. It’s that it means something. It’s not just a one off moment, of you two and a friend having a night of passion. It’s forethought and an investment... in time and money. I know you think she’s not against it... but I’m afraid you didn’t really listen.

“She thought about it. Accepted that that's who I am. Went away for two days on a planned trip to see a friend.

When she came back she told me the whole idea made her sad and maybe we should just split up now to save things from falling apart over time.”

— your words not mine. ☮️

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@DarkHeaven I appreciate everything you've said. It's been really helpful to talk this through, but I will push back a little here because I know her.

This is a woman - who I love very much - who will lay awake until the early hours of the morning unable to sleep because she's thinking about pensions. I'll realise she's awake and ask what's wrong, and she'll tell me that we're going to be homeless and destitute and unable to retire because we haven't been paying enough into our pensions.

I'll reassure her, but it won't help, I'll comfort her, but it won't help. The problem is that she's fixated on one thing, and until I identify what that is and talk it through with her, she'll stay fixated and get more and more upset and stressed.

When she went away for two days, she didn't talk to her friend about this. She just stewed on it. I know that if I talk to her I'll be able to understand what it is that she's fixated on. If it's something insurmountable, then we'll have to look at what we do next, but my guess is that it's something really small and when we find it, it'll be something we can work around.

DarkHeaven ·

@CheshireCatalyst I hope you’re right. I’ll just say again that I personally could never, ever do what you are asking her to do. That doesn’t make me a bad person... any more than it does you... or her. There’s nothing about any of this that is small. I’m not sure what small thing you think that she’s fixated on but all of this, is a pretty big deal. Be well. ☮️