I'm already regretting this post. I know the responses are going to be hateful and exhausting. [I Married Curious]

So I'm married. It's been seven years now, so I should be getting the itch right?

Nope.

I'm very happy with the relationship. There are things that frustrate the hell out of me, but those exist in every relationship. The amount of work I do to take care of her as well as loving her can be exhausting at times. She can be really spiteful and it bothers me. I'm concerned that recently she's started 'reading more right wing stuff' because she's rebounding against the idea that we all need to be educated about racism.

But like I say, none of these are things that stop me from loving her. What's changed during lockdown is my understanding of myself. I've always argued against monogamy in a theoretical way, but being stuck in one place with one person - even someone I love - for these months has made me realise I am not a monogamous person. I guess that makes me polyamorous.

I've talked to her really openly and honestly about this. I've told her I've thought hard about it and explained exactly how I feel. I'd like the opportunity to say yes to situations that come up spontaneously. I've explained that I'm completely capable of falling in love with, and being in love with other people without this diminishing my feelings for her. I've said that there's no danger of me meeting someone and running away with them, because I'd only be interested in exploring with people who understand and respect that I love her and I'm not going anywhere.

She thought about it. Accepted that that's who I am. Went away for two days on a planned trip to see a friend.

When she came back she told me the whole idea made her sad and maybe we should just split up now to save things from falling apart over time. I immediately said this isn't what I wanted, the whole point is that I want to be with her, and be myself.

But I don't know if that's possible.

This is one of the rare posts where I'm actually asking for advice. What should I do?

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Peppa · 31-35, F

Sounds like perhaps things have gotten a little too samey. The reason I'm saying this is because think about what dating life was like before you met your wife.
Is it worth doing that again?

Or do you somehow think it'll be better because you know you have someone to fall back on?
I'm not judging you.
I think I'm polygamous, but I can't tell if that's because I was with a mean(emotionally unavailable) partner...
Now we've split I don't want any one. But that's circumstantial. Where as in the past after 6 months I got out there again.
The more loving partner I was passionate with and content until it burned out.

New flushes of lust are exciting and you can't really reignite that in a long term partner.
But you can ignite a new kind of passion.

If you're not so right winged this will be a turn off because like anyone embarking on a new thing, they can get really into it which will either sizzle out or become their turning point.

Is that something you fear?

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@Peppa yeah the politics is something I fear. I think anyone who is looking at the world right now and their response to that is to become more conservative is a fucking idiot 😅

I hate dating. Absolutely hate it. I hate meeting a stranger and trying to navigate through those muddy waters. I hate spending ridiculous money trying to impress someone with meals and experiences. I hate the structure of it.

What I want is to be able to flirt at a party and not think "this is fun but I should stop" I want to be able to talk with people on here and get to know them and love them deeply without that being somehow wrong.

I'm sorry you had to go through that with a partner. I hope you can get to a point that you're ready to let someone in again.

Peppa · 31-35, F

@CheshireCatalyst Well this is something I have mentioned on another forum I'm on.
People don't really talk about friendship love.
I kind of think due to this Conservative way of life that's being pushed, community and families are breaking down and everything and everyone is kind of dispensable.
That means friendships are thought of as short term or last more so due the long term financial benefits rather than the emotional.
Maybe that's my perspective on things but I often wonder how many of the 'bros' are really 'bros from another mother? Lol
What you are talking about in terms of investing in someone and loving them is normal in a real friendship. But what makes it cheating and an affair is when it becomes sexual and inappropriate.

Cheating has been glamourised and I think that's something we all need to address. When you take that oath that door is closed. Unless you and your partner agree to different. That's my perspective.

So you have close friends, that you socialise with regularly. With and without your wife?

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@Peppa I think cheating has become anything but glamorised. I would guess that it's the number one cause of relationships ending, and yet it's so prevalent.

Maybe the reason for that is that sex is the thing that's being misrepresented as an intimate thing that can only be enjoyed by a couple. If we were to look at sex the way we look at any other hobby, interest, job, social activity... this angst wouldn't be there.

Peppa · 31-35, F

@CheshireCatalyst sex as a hobby oh man that's dangerous territory. Why do I think it's been glamourised... Love Island... Tinder... Love at first sight especially the Australian version.
Even when people talk about sliding into dms on social media.
I think the issue with a relationship is that one partner will always want sex more than the other. And I personally think that in every relationship there will be something they are better at than the other. So the less sex may be because they're better at managing work/life (including managing bills, shared childcare duties but the downfall is being too tired for sex)

I think there's always a weigh up.. We were great, phenomenonal at the sex but the relationship sucked and I was often left feeling like he was disgusted with me when we weren't having sex.
Where as I've had okish sex (that I didn't mind going without) but the friendship side was the best...

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@Peppa I feel like we're agreeing then? Relationships are great, we should take what works in them and savour it, but when we realise we need something different - or our partner needs something different - we should allow that freedom.

Peppa · 31-35, F

@CheshireCatalyst when my ex (the great sex) suggested a threesome I was really upset. I was mostly upset because initially he wanted us to be causal. We just moved into a exclusive relationship and now he was talking and pressuring me into this. Wtf! And this went on for ages. I gave in and started talking to some guys, it was exciting at first to have attention but he started getting a little paranoid and I started encountering some real dirt bags, some guys when they know youre up for that start to forget your a person and not just a hole to dig out, I felt so cheap. It was a firm no after at least trying to embrace his fantasy.
But I also found that he was reluctant to try any of mine which were most role playing and getting to character (he lacked the imagination)
So I'd get dressed up and into the role and he'd just turn up. I felt like I was just there to entertain him.

Anyways personally I don't agree. I'm at a stage in my life where I was sacraficing a lot to fit into a relationship. So I have decided to stop dating and achieve and do the things I want before I consider a relationship or getting married. I feel like I've had enough sex right now to know that I don't want to have it with just anyone anymore. (my libido has hit an all time low)
If I then met someone that said what you said to me I probably would write men off for good. But that's just because ive not had a good dating history.
I've never been married so I can only speculate but I feel like you f around before you take that plunge and anything that happens after is really about compromise between you two.
In a lot of instances you need to love someone enough to let them do what's right for them but you also have to respect your own feelings.
It's a shame this happened when the baby came along.

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CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@Peppa he sounds like a complete arsehole. He could've had such happiness with you if it wasn't for him being...him.

Peppa · 31-35, F

@CheshireCatalyst that's life isn't it, sometimes you find someone you're compatible with sometimes you don't. So that's what I'm trying to say to you. If the desire for this is so strong and she's so against it, what are you going to do?

Only you really know.