I'm already regretting this post. I know the responses are going to be hateful and exhausting. [I Married Curious]

So I'm married. It's been seven years now, so I should be getting the itch right?

Nope.

I'm very happy with the relationship. There are things that frustrate the hell out of me, but those exist in every relationship. The amount of work I do to take care of her as well as loving her can be exhausting at times. She can be really spiteful and it bothers me. I'm concerned that recently she's started 'reading more right wing stuff' because she's rebounding against the idea that we all need to be educated about racism.

But like I say, none of these are things that stop me from loving her. What's changed during lockdown is my understanding of myself. I've always argued against monogamy in a theoretical way, but being stuck in one place with one person - even someone I love - for these months has made me realise I am not a monogamous person. I guess that makes me polyamorous.

I've talked to her really openly and honestly about this. I've told her I've thought hard about it and explained exactly how I feel. I'd like the opportunity to say yes to situations that come up spontaneously. I've explained that I'm completely capable of falling in love with, and being in love with other people without this diminishing my feelings for her. I've said that there's no danger of me meeting someone and running away with them, because I'd only be interested in exploring with people who understand and respect that I love her and I'm not going anywhere.

She thought about it. Accepted that that's who I am. Went away for two days on a planned trip to see a friend.

When she came back she told me the whole idea made her sad and maybe we should just split up now to save things from falling apart over time. I immediately said this isn't what I wanted, the whole point is that I want to be with her, and be myself.

But I don't know if that's possible.

This is one of the rare posts where I'm actually asking for advice. What should I do?

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MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

I understand where you're coming from and yes we all change over time, but you can't expect someone to change to what you have, just because you have. Now, don't get the wrong idea, I'm not attacking you or what you've shared. All I'm saying is, just because you want it, doesn't mean she's going to and if she doesn't, then what? You can't stop wanting what you want and neither can she. It's unfair of one person to demand another to change or understand how they've changed.

Maybe, with time, she'd understand. Maybe not. But again...you can't force her. You can't force her to accept it if it's beyond what she wants. You both need to decide what your priorities are. Your relationship together or where ever this will lead.

She has the right to the kind of relationship she wants as much as you do. You just need to figure out what is more important to you if she doesn't accept it. If you stay and don't follow through. You end up, maybe, resenting her. If you stay, but do it any way, she feels cheated on and the resentment builds there and it will or you go your own ways and who knows how you'll both feel from that.

I don't envy you, it's not an easy place to be. But, whether you consider it an itch or a life affirming change, it's still something that can hurt and tear things apart if both people are not on the same page.

I can't tell you what to do, I know what I'd do if my wife told me something like that. If she was so adamant to do it, I'd sadly wish her luck and move on, but that's me. I was in a marriage for 10 yrs and I know things change over time, it would be insane to think it would stay the same, but some things just can't be worked through if both parties aren't willing or able.

I do wish you luck and hope for the best for you both. Sorry couldn't be of more help.

DarkHeaven ·

@MrPerditus1 Well put.

MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

@DarkHeaven Thank you, I was just reading yours as well and you got it down perfectly.

CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M

@MrPerditus1 thank you for your response. It's very helpful

MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

@CheshireCatalyst You're most welcome and I can only hope it was. I do wish you both the best.

DarkHeaven ·

@MrPerditus1 ty. I’m just me... and one thing that this site has taught me is that, although we have similar worlds, we are many different people... and that’s okay. I often meet people, where I find them... but I sometimes also have to leave them there. A tiger will not change his stripes, but neither the leopard his spots. We are who we are.

MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

@DarkHeaven Well said and so true. The best thing we can do is accept others for who they are, whether we agree with them or not. I may not agree with everything I read on here, but again, it's everyone's right to express themselves. I just choose which of those I will engage and which I will steer clear of. To each their own. 🌷

DarkHeaven ·

@MrPerditus1 Same. Lead with kindness and the rest sorts itself out.

MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

@DarkHeaven Wonderful things to live by and pretty much what my mother tried to instill in me. I can only hope they took. I think they did. :D

DarkHeaven ·

@MrPerditus1 It’s never easy. Good things, never are. We just have to remember to feed the right wolf.

The Fight of Two Wolves Within You

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”