I'm already regretting this post. I know the responses are going to be hateful and exhausting. [I Married Curious]

So I'm married. It's been seven years now, so I should be getting the itch right?

Nope.

I'm very happy with the relationship. There are things that frustrate the hell out of me, but those exist in every relationship. The amount of work I do to take care of her as well as loving her can be exhausting at times. She can be really spiteful and it bothers me. I'm concerned that recently she's started 'reading more right wing stuff' because she's rebounding against the idea that we all need to be educated about racism.

But like I say, none of these are things that stop me from loving her. What's changed during lockdown is my understanding of myself. I've always argued against monogamy in a theoretical way, but being stuck in one place with one person - even someone I love - for these months has made me realise I am not a monogamous person. I guess that makes me polyamorous.

I've talked to her really openly and honestly about this. I've told her I've thought hard about it and explained exactly how I feel. I'd like the opportunity to say yes to situations that come up spontaneously. I've explained that I'm completely capable of falling in love with, and being in love with other people without this diminishing my feelings for her. I've said that there's no danger of me meeting someone and running away with them, because I'd only be interested in exploring with people who understand and respect that I love her and I'm not going anywhere.

She thought about it. Accepted that that's who I am. Went away for two days on a planned trip to see a friend.

When she came back she told me the whole idea made her sad and maybe we should just split up now to save things from falling apart over time. I immediately said this isn't what I wanted, the whole point is that I want to be with her, and be myself.

But I don't know if that's possible.

This is one of the rare posts where I'm actually asking for advice. What should I do?

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SW-User

I haven't read all the responses so forgive me if I'm repeating what someone else may have stated.

I think the reason she returned with the response she did was because she was given time to discuss it with a friend. This isn't just about the 2 of you. This is also about being judged by all your friends and family. You both will have to deal with that. Even if she was completely on board with the lifestyle you want to pursue, others' opinions are going to have an effect on your relationship and I don't think you can possibly last long term as a couple due to that.

There's something else to think about here. You've now asked to change the parameters of your relationship with someone who isn't, who has never been, as open minded as you are about these things. It's a lot to ask of someone whose expectations of the life she envisioned with you has been turned on it's head. I'm not judging you but I will remind you of the vows you took 7 years ago. I've never felt those words should be taken lightly. I was in a number of relationships before I met my husband and I knew I couldn't completely commit to any of them. I was positive I wanted to be completely committed until one of us died when I became involved with the man who became my husband.

You may love your wife but loving someone is only part of what it takes to make a good marriage. You both have to be on the same page and have each other's backs no matter what. You have to function as one unit. It sounds to me as if you both aren't there. As you've found, marriage isn't easy. It takes work. Bringing in another party into it, when you have some major differences in values is a recipe for disaster. Attempt to put yourself in her position at this point in time. She doesn't want anyone else. She wants you. You want to become emotionally and physically involved with another woman while staying married. Honey, to her at this moment, you are asking to have your cake and eat it too.

CheshireCatalyst · 41-45, M

@SW-User she didn't discuss it with the friend. She just let it stew in her head the whole time she was away.

SW-User

@CheshireCatalyst That's what you focused on with everything I wrote? lol. Hon, she did talk with someone about this, no matter what she told you. Trust me. This isn't something a woman who has just had a baby, and now her husband has announced he wants an open marriage, will keep to herself.

CheshireCatalyst · 41-45, M

@SW-User I agree with you that it makes logical sense that she would talk to someone about it. And she was with the mutual friend who it made perfect sense to talk to. But she's my wife. I know her better than anyone. She didn't talk to anyone, she just let it stew because that's what she does. :(

Everything else you wrote I really appreciate, but it was all things that others have said, so apologies I'm not replying the same things to everyone! I should've said something though before I replied.

SW-User

@CheshireCatalyst I agree you know your wife better than anyone but please don't assume she's telling you the truth in this particular situation. I just read your response to someone else that you were both psychology students. She knows how you can lay out a logical argument. She's trying to figure out a way to lay out her own argument. She's in survival mode now after your revelation. When you have a baby, you have more than just yourself to think about. She's attempting to find a logical way to reason with you, without getting too emotional. You've pretty much painted her into a corner.