I thought I had lost my Beanie this morning so after searching the house, I retraced my steps home from work in the hopes to find it.8kms (5miles) later I got home and went to get something out my sock draw and there it was. . . I must be getting senile in my old age. 😅
Why is the story’Pride and Prejudice’ considered so romantic?Considering the personalities of Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, I’d give them a year of married life before they go full ‘Johnny Depp and what’s her chops’
My boss has reserved one of the toilets at work for her private use, so I printed this meme out and stuck it to the door inside: I have been requested to attend a HR meeting on Tuesday.
How do you work out Fahrenheit anyway?It’s 9 degrees Celsius here which is 50 Fahrenheit? 50 is a high number in Celsius…
How late have you slept in on your day off?I had a day off today and didn't set the alarm. I slept 11 hours...
After many years of marriage, Marie is completely fed up with her husband far*ing loudly and disgustingly all night long.She would tell him that he was going to blow his guts out if he kept it up like that. He would just laugh, getting pleasure from annoying her so much. Then one morning, after a horrible night spent bathed in fumes from his bowels, she’s outside on...See More »
Cop: "Turn around."Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round." Cop: "TURN AROUND!" Me: "Every now..." *Gets tased*
They say swearing is due to a limited vocabulary, I know thousands of words, but still prefer 'F#ck off' to 'Go away.'
Working at an Unemployment Office has to be a tense job... Knowing if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Have you ever tried to fix something around the house only to have it get worse?I tried to fix my gate latch from rattling, it fell off. So I had to wedge the fence closed with bricks and a heavy stone.
If I place the phone against my cheek it isn’t hot at all,So why are my finger tips burning when they touch the screen?
I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said: "If it gives you more trouble let me know!"😅
Nobody has worked out how to put Artificial Intelligence in bathroom scales yet have they?And an AI with a sick sense of humour. Cause having the scales say out loud: "One at a time please." When you stand on it, is something we could all do without.
Ladies, find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't even care that it's on your legs.
The squirrels must be expecting a cold winter. They're gathering more nuts than usual. Yesterday, my brother disappeared.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit
How would you console an 8 year old boy who had just had an accident in the back of his pants?"Welcome to the club," is probably not the best thing to say... Thanks Bro. The poor little guy had been running around, getting into things all day and ignored his funny tummy. My Brother, his Uncle wasn't supportive.