My therapist said to look at a picture of myself when I was a child to really see who I am, that innocence, that little girl who was needing love, and did not get it. But there was so much chaos, violence etc, that I truly don't remember most of my childhood, and, I can't really SEE me ...even looking at this picture of me at one years old. I feel so much kindness, patience, and love for all children I've nannied or as a teacher...yet I feel so numb that I cant feel anything looking at this picture.
I'm supposed to find empathy for that little girl who was mocked or degraded daily, even as a Toddler, but I cant feel anything 😢 How can I try to heal this?
@kodiac Such a heartfelt song, thank you kody...I'm going to try to really correlate those lyrics to me as a little girl...I feel I didn't exist, so I'll have to tell her you deserved love like many people did get. You deserved it. (And you did too Kody). Ty again 🪻🫂
@Baybreeze You're welcome, somewhere along the line talking about the inner child become almost a joke ,but they are real and they never got to grow up in abuse cases. They stay locked behind the wall they built waiting for someone to save them ,i spent years waiting for someone to save me and now i have to be that someone the only ones that can help them is us .
@kodiac That's so true, I feel no one in my life really cares to dig deeper with me and my fear I don't have a right to Exist, grows. I think I'll tell this picture, you have a right to life, and even a right to real joy or love. I appreciate your reflection, thanks friend 🌷
I'm sorry for what the little you went through. Only you know the gravity of that feeling. When I have moments like this, I think to myself that it was not within my control. What is, is my ability to act now and shape who I want to be in 30, 40 years time. That's who I am going to need the most, like this little girl in the picture from my past.
I think we all learn coping skills of some kind,but some are not healthy, but they're the way we learned to cope. Maybe that's what therapy tries to help with giving us healthy ways to cope with our emotions? If you do see that little girl for who she is perhaps you would feel like you would never stop crying and you want to avoid that? Perhaps, the little girl was punished when she cried? That's just a shot in the dark, of course ,I don't know how you really feel. I just know not wanting to cry or show emotion is sometimes why I don't explore certain parts of myself.
@Justmeraeagain I don't think it's that I'd cry and never stop but I was given mocking and horrible faces of disgust daily, just for walking in the room..then was told I didn't have a right to talk sometimes, or defend myself. I slowly thought I should barely exist, and don't have a right to exist. Which is painstakingly hard to try to correct this belief 😟
Because she is in your past and you can't do anything about that but the person you are now that's who you need to help, focus on and heal. One day at a time, each day will get better.
@GoFish I guess I'm supposed to see innocence, and then treat myself now as you would a child..but I can't feel anything at all looking at my own picture. If I see other kids I light up or say they're adorable, wonderful and funny. But zero is in my mind if I look at this.
Something i find disturbing about the therapist wanting you to connect with the inner child ,they didn't warn you that actually doing that means feeling all her pain ,something that can be damaging if you're not prepared for it .
@kodiac That's true, it's a LOT of inner grief, shame, fear etc. to unpack from the inner child. My sisters therapist minimized her experience by saying Just get over it..I was shocked to hear that. And mine defended my. Dad saying " how could he have helped you, he was under her abuse too"... Well, he might have at least acknowledged the abuse and not laugh at me when I cried. I don't think these therapists TRULY understand extensive severe abuse. Side note, I love my late dad very much he did have a good heart , but that's something I have huge issue with, a parent dismissing the other parents monstrosity.
Is it possible that you disassociated in order to protect yourself? I'm not sure a toddler can do such a thing, but it would explain why you feel disconnected.
@uncalled4 I think so, definitely. I read once in childhood that includes with abuse or having a narcissist parent, the mind will literally blank things out, Bec it's too much to absorb. I think that happened so much that I can barely really see anyone when I look at my photos as a kid. I see other kids and think aww so cute, innocent etc. But don't think of anything on mine.
