Struggles & Identity > Thoughts

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I feel like this is an unpopular opinion,but

if you dont take care of yourself (mentally/physically), dont focus on growing as a person, dont put time and effort into your education, your career, your hobbies, your appearance , your relationships , how do you expect others to be romantically attracted attracted to you? As harsh as this sounds I imagine it to be true for most people that they would not want to date or be with someone who neglects themselves ,who needs others to take care of them , who drags you down one way or another. I just dont understand, how do you expect others to just want you when you dont want to spend time on yourself to begin with?

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Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

This is what Western romance cliches teaches through media and positive quotes. I noticed since I did all the work, I feel and am more attractive as a result. It's in my aura when I talk to people, I have confidence in myself and other people sense it.

You can't expect other people to come into your life, fix you and love you because we don't work like that. I get the impulse "If I just met that special person then my life would change" newsflash, it doesn't. I went through that myself in my early 20s and at least one of the reasons we broke up was because I didn't have my shit together in any sense of the phrase.

It's like the less you "need" people, the more they'll come to you. Nobody wants to be depended upon or be culpable for someone else's happiness like that, it's not fair or healthy, it's toxic for the other person.

helsbels · 31-35, F

It sounds cheesy but l always thought this, 'the first person you have to love in a relationship is yourself'.

SW-User

Hmmmm on the contrary, I think that is a very popular opinion. But in some (many even?) cases I find the "you have to love yourself first" mentality toxic. Because it's easier said than done and sometimes does not even depend on us and the effort we are willing to put in

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Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

@SW-User If you don't love yourself it takes years of work. For me it took therapy, doing things I used to be scared of which gave me confidence, and a steady self awareness and development of myself over many years. You're right, it's not easy but nothing worth it ever is.
But I do have a pet peeve when it comes to those positive sayings because it doesn't help or guide anyone as to how.

SW-User

@Ryannnnnn Yes, exactly!! I don't disagree with the post, I was just trying to say that it's not as easy as it sounds

PepsiColaP

@SW-User ofcourse its not easy ,I know it myself. I think we all do,which is why we all struggle to a degree with it. I guess different degrees for everyone depending on their circumstances

Miram · 31-35, F

Love is most times approached as a goal or deal. It is popular to attach a person's value for a relationship to what they can offer.

People are just less honest about it.

eMortal · M

@Miram isn’t it shallow in a way?

Miram · 31-35, F

@eMortal

You only get a spectrum not the pure form

-Shallow <-----‐-----------------------------> +deep
-Conditional <-----‐-----------------------------> +unconditional

The lucky ones are those who find things that move closer to the positive side..you will never get purely unconditional love or feel it. But you can have something close enough.

eMortal · M

@Miram That’s deep! 🤗

WaryWitchWandering · 36-40, F

Hmm yes. I don’t even like being around myself when I’m down and/or not on my game. Why would anyone else want to be stuck with me?

At some point you need to get up and do the things, or life will go on with out you.

Elessar · 26-30, M

Quite simply, I don't expect anything from anyone

PepsiColaP

@Elessar no one should

SW-User

Well, I am attracted to broken people.

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WaryWitchWandering · 36-40, F

@SW-User this

SW-User

@Ryannnnnn To me that's what makes someone "the special one" who's worthy of one's heart. Their sacrifices. When they genuinely & selflessly care. It's not always healthy but nothing is perfect and especially not love. Otherwise they're just like the other people.

SW-User

@SW-User ugh that's so unhealthy ...that whole codependency is not good

ShadowWolf · 31-35, M

Yet there is no reason to simply and solely focus on oneself. There is a healthy dynamic of two people building each other up as well. Which seems to elude people nowdays. Sure, it's healthy to have a baseline for yourself, but a person is never "the best version of themselves" and I hate that phrase with a passion. People are always improving and everyone is a work in progress. Having a good life partner where things are mutually beneficial, can work to become great, together! The "best version of yourself" phrase, has caused many people to question whether they are relationship ready. And I think that is wrong. You can still achieve growth within the context of a relationship. It's selfish to think otherwise.

aaaabbbb

Totally agree. Yes, life has different phases and throws many challenges at us, However, growing and improving with time is so important. The negative energy coming our of them is terrible.

Muthafukajones · 46-50, M

That’s a lot to live up too. I suspect few people live at that level taking care of all aspects of their life. It’s an amazing thing to live up too.

CrazyMusicLover · 31-35

What does that have to do with education?

Oh, sorry, my bad, I read that wrong. 🤦‍♀️

PepsiColaP

@CrazyMusicLovereducation and human capital helps shape people in many ways especially socially and it is even largely capitalized today . And it doesnt have to be organised and paid education , it can be things like a general interest in reading ,arts and humanities , anything that literally keeps the brain healthy and active

CrazyMusicLover · 31-35

@PepsiColaP Yeah, sorry, I understand how you meant it now. I just read that wrong. Basically like "if you don't take care of yourself (mentally/physically), don't focus on growing as a person." 😅 At first I thought you meant one shouldn't make important decisions about their life before they put themselves together first and then it didn't make sense to me why you talk about relationships.
Yeah, I agree, one can't wait for someone else to fix them but sadly, searching for a partner is often a huge motivation for us to improve and that's a big mistake.

Joshua19842022 · 36-40, M

I've always felt that in my times of good and bad ugly or cute it's just me in my purest form and if someone can't appreciate that then I'm better off I keep my hair good everyday but it's cause I choose to not because I'm looking to impress at all I am who I am and people may think I'm attractive or not and that's fine cause you can't impress everyone I'm a big dud but I'm comfortable at my size and when I wasn't I lost weight and am still 😁

YourMomsSecretCrush · M

i like my women clean and fresh. i would think that most folks want their significant other to be well groomed.

black4white · 56-60, M

I feel ya and its true..if you cant take care of yourself...how do you take care of others?

wonkywinky · 51-55, M

True but what about if a person is depressed and needs a helping hand?

Teggy

It’s a hard fact most can’t stand to take in.

KingofPizza2 · 36-40, M

I mean, it’s really accurate.

PepsiColaP

@KingofPizza2 I know it is

FloorGenAdm · 51-55, M

I just don't know what their deal is.

BBrendan · 46-50, M

Very true.

SW-User

Well, shit

Bang5luts · M

Then again if you put all of your time and effort into all of those things where would you have time for anyone else and why would you want to make time for them?

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