Scared of something
It sounds stupid but, when the pandemic first started I left the city I was living in on the West Coast and went back to my hometown. And I left behind a lot of my friends and basically the whole life that I built there for a whole year. And specifically my crush. And I've continued talking to her and we haven't talked in a week or so but we did keep in touch regularly and we've told each other all the stuff we want to do when we see each other again.
And now I'm finally actually getting things together and a friend of mine made me an offer and it looks like I'm actually finally gonna be able to go back within the next couple months or so (let's not jinx it) and I'm scared.
I'm scared that she and I won't be able to pick up where we left off. I'm not even sure I want to because I've changed. I've gotten off drugs since the pandemic and I've learned a lot of things and I worked out and I'm ripped now and so much has changed.
I'm scared that I'll go back and everything will be different.
Because I know it will.
She and I hung out a bunch of times before all of it and we had such a nice thing going.
I don't know what I was to her and I know we'll never end up together. She's with someone. But I'm just scared.
I'm scared to see her again.
And I don't know why.
I've lost a year and a half of my life. I'll be 24.
I'm scared because I was a drug addict when we met with my life completely a mess and I was this depressed low-self esteem shy mess and now I'm actually me. I've been sober for 6 months. I'm ripped, I'm playing music and singing again, I got my motorcycle license and bought a bike that I can hopefully take her for a ride on and I'm just so scared.
On one hand I'm scared everything will have changed and she won't be able to see me anymore. Which is something I'm scared of to begin with. I'm scared no woman will ever see me for who I am and that I'm still that same boy I was back when I was a sweet little kid who liked picking flowers for the ladies in the neighbourhood and always read.
I'm scared that I'll take my shirt off (something I haven't done in a long time because I used to be that kid with the acne and kind of pudgy) and someone will see my abs and never see that I'm still that sort of fat, lonely kid that no one wanted. I'm scared I'll never be able to trust someone wanting me.
She saw me. It really felt like she saw me and I still don't even think that I can trust that she really saw me. But at least she saw something. And now it might just be all gone and I don't know what to do.
The really funny part is that I actually want to ask her if we can start over when we meet. I'm not that same pathetic man she met when I was 22. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a virgin again and I can give myself to some lucky lady and I'm sober and I feel me again. I feel alive again and I still have low-self esteem and confidence, that I'm not really sure how to get, the shyness is really me and I just kind of deflect with humour. Hopefully it doesn't make or break me, but I'm just so scared of what happens next.
And now I'm finally actually getting things together and a friend of mine made me an offer and it looks like I'm actually finally gonna be able to go back within the next couple months or so (let's not jinx it) and I'm scared.
I'm scared that she and I won't be able to pick up where we left off. I'm not even sure I want to because I've changed. I've gotten off drugs since the pandemic and I've learned a lot of things and I worked out and I'm ripped now and so much has changed.
I'm scared that I'll go back and everything will be different.
Because I know it will.
She and I hung out a bunch of times before all of it and we had such a nice thing going.
I don't know what I was to her and I know we'll never end up together. She's with someone. But I'm just scared.
I'm scared to see her again.
And I don't know why.
I've lost a year and a half of my life. I'll be 24.
I'm scared because I was a drug addict when we met with my life completely a mess and I was this depressed low-self esteem shy mess and now I'm actually me. I've been sober for 6 months. I'm ripped, I'm playing music and singing again, I got my motorcycle license and bought a bike that I can hopefully take her for a ride on and I'm just so scared.
On one hand I'm scared everything will have changed and she won't be able to see me anymore. Which is something I'm scared of to begin with. I'm scared no woman will ever see me for who I am and that I'm still that same boy I was back when I was a sweet little kid who liked picking flowers for the ladies in the neighbourhood and always read.
I'm scared that I'll take my shirt off (something I haven't done in a long time because I used to be that kid with the acne and kind of pudgy) and someone will see my abs and never see that I'm still that sort of fat, lonely kid that no one wanted. I'm scared I'll never be able to trust someone wanting me.
She saw me. It really felt like she saw me and I still don't even think that I can trust that she really saw me. But at least she saw something. And now it might just be all gone and I don't know what to do.
The really funny part is that I actually want to ask her if we can start over when we meet. I'm not that same pathetic man she met when I was 22. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a virgin again and I can give myself to some lucky lady and I'm sober and I feel me again. I feel alive again and I still have low-self esteem and confidence, that I'm not really sure how to get, the shyness is really me and I just kind of deflect with humour. Hopefully it doesn't make or break me, but I'm just so scared of what happens next.
26-30, M
