Struggles & Identity > Thoughts

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Scared of something

It sounds stupid but, when the pandemic first started I left the city I was living in on the West Coast and went back to my hometown. And I left behind a lot of my friends and basically the whole life that I built there for a whole year. And specifically my crush. And I've continued talking to her and we haven't talked in a week or so but we did keep in touch regularly and we've told each other all the stuff we want to do when we see each other again.
And now I'm finally actually getting things together and a friend of mine made me an offer and it looks like I'm actually finally gonna be able to go back within the next couple months or so (let's not jinx it) and I'm scared.
I'm scared that she and I won't be able to pick up where we left off. I'm not even sure I want to because I've changed. I've gotten off drugs since the pandemic and I've learned a lot of things and I worked out and I'm ripped now and so much has changed.
I'm scared that I'll go back and everything will be different.
Because I know it will.
She and I hung out a bunch of times before all of it and we had such a nice thing going.
I don't know what I was to her and I know we'll never end up together. She's with someone. But I'm just scared.
I'm scared to see her again.
And I don't know why.
I've lost a year and a half of my life. I'll be 24.

I'm scared because I was a drug addict when we met with my life completely a mess and I was this depressed low-self esteem shy mess and now I'm actually me. I've been sober for 6 months. I'm ripped, I'm playing music and singing again, I got my motorcycle license and bought a bike that I can hopefully take her for a ride on and I'm just so scared.
On one hand I'm scared everything will have changed and she won't be able to see me anymore. Which is something I'm scared of to begin with. I'm scared no woman will ever see me for who I am and that I'm still that same boy I was back when I was a sweet little kid who liked picking flowers for the ladies in the neighbourhood and always read.
I'm scared that I'll take my shirt off (something I haven't done in a long time because I used to be that kid with the acne and kind of pudgy) and someone will see my abs and never see that I'm still that sort of fat, lonely kid that no one wanted. I'm scared I'll never be able to trust someone wanting me.

She saw me. It really felt like she saw me and I still don't even think that I can trust that she really saw me. But at least she saw something. And now it might just be all gone and I don't know what to do.
The really funny part is that I actually want to ask her if we can start over when we meet. I'm not that same pathetic man she met when I was 22. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a virgin again and I can give myself to some lucky lady and I'm sober and I feel me again. I feel alive again and I still have low-self esteem and confidence, that I'm not really sure how to get, the shyness is really me and I just kind of deflect with humour. Hopefully it doesn't make or break me, but I'm just so scared of what happens next.

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MarkPaul · 26-30, M

"... a virgin again..." 🤨

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zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul What?

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane Well, it just seems like... shall we say... an odd choice of words... 😶

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

Oh I see the weird wording there.
No, I am a virgin.
I've just really been wrestling with it as my 24th birthday approaches. I set my purity ring aside a long time ago (no, I'm not waiting until marriage and it has nothing to do with religion, although I am religious). I just don't give a fuck anymore if it scares women. I am who I am and I like me waiting for the right woman, she'll like it too.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 Perhaps we should explore this... You see, being a virgin isn't something you turn on and off. It doesn't work like that. But, perhaps you are trying to express an emotional state you feel... perhaps. When you say you imply you became a virgin again, what state of mind are you in?

*Leans forward with concerned facial expression and picks up pipe from table*

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul Okay, no.
I just explained it in the previous comment so my apologies if the wording in the post was wrong.
I had a lot of issues over it the past few years and I'm still trying to not feel ashamed of it.
But I realize I surrounded myself with the wrong people and let myself fall and I can take pride in it and be proud of myself for still having my purity ring.
I'm 24, not dead.
I still have issues I'll have to move past with a prospective partner. But I'm already working on those issues as is by myself so I'll be ready.

I know the purity ring and my whole "waiting for the right one" mentality might scare a lot of women away...but that's already happened.
So it'll be nothing new. I'm ready.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 You realize that "being ready" and being "scared" are somewhat contradictory in that the point of "being ready..." if you are ready... is to no longer be scared. Likewise, the meaning of being a virgin is that you've never "done it," if I may be so bold. But, to say you will not "have done it" [u]again[/u]... well... that's another contradiction. I'm concerned these contradictions are going to cause roadblocks if you we don't address them with steadfast honesty.

*Lights pipe and continues leaning forward*

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul Okay, again...I am a virgin. I mis-stated in the post. Stop fucking lingering on that. My poor choice of words. I meant that I'm not super worried about it again not that I am one again.

As for being scared and being ready?
The two aren't mutually exclusive.
The fact that I finally fear again over things is what drives me forward. To try and fight the fear and embrace it. Control it.
Just because we're afraid of something doesn't mean we aren't ready for it. It doesn't make us less. It just makes us Human.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 I like that you defend yourself and your POV. That's a good indicator. So, you are using fear as a tool to push yourself forward. I can see that, in a way. However, I'm not sure you can lay claim to fear as an attribute that qualifies someone as human. That perplexes me. You see, cats, dogs, birds, even animals of prey express fear and longing.

*Smokes pipe and leans back*

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul You are a very literal person. Yes animals feel fear. I'm just using it to justify being a person. A Human Being feels fear, it's perfectly natural and doesn't make anyone less.
I don't know what the hell that first part means about defending myself. A good indicator of what?

I'm fucking terrified. I'm scared of so much still. I'm scared that I'll wake up one day 30 and still single and with no one and having never experienced the touch of another Human Being.
I'm terrified that I lived my life long and maybe I should've been out fucking tons of older women in my youth and pleasuring them but then...that's basically what my brother did and he's dealing with tons of issues in his current relationship with his SO who waited for the right one and he actually has remorse over it now and ontop of it I know he cheated on pretty much every woman he's ever been with, sort of like our father.
My ring is my proof of lifelong fidelity, loyality and integrity not just to myself but to the one woman I know will enter my life or maybe even already has that I will end up with and cherish because I'll remember how long I had to spend without her waiting for her dreaming.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 So, you know you have made the right choice, but you fear for the choice you have made. Do you see that's another contradiction?

We all are confronted with multiple paths to choose. But, you can't be rock solid sure of your choice and uncertain of it at the same time. And, this is the point I want you to focus on because it's this contradiction (and the other ones) that is causing you to feel like you are stumbling. Do you see that?

*Raises left eyebrow and holds pipe up and then places back in mouth*

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul Then what do I do?
It's natural to feel fear. To feel as though we potentially made the wrong choice even though we know we did.
It's natural to question what we are even when we're sure of what we are.

It's natural to have our doubts even when we are sure of the path we're on, isn't it?

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 Well, the brutal truth is, no, that's not natural. But, if that's what you consciously want to do... if you are making that choice knowingly, then that's all well and good... IF you own it as your choice. If this is the case, what we need to consider is why you want to put yourself through that kind of agony. Not to judge, but to understand.

Making a decision, if you go through the methodical steps of reaching a decision, should be a freeing experience. That is what is natural. You have thought through the pros and cons; you have examined the alternatives; you have come up with a contingency or two... and the hard work... the heavy lifting... is now done. You SHOULD feel a sense of relief as you go about living out your decision.

The fact that you are not, is the issue at hand. Spending time over POTENTIAL regrets is what is eating you up inside. And, that's what we want to get you out of. We want to pull you from that cycle. The first "natural" question though is... do you want to be pulled out of that cycle?

*Places pipe on table and leans forward*

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul Yes. How do I get out of it?

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 Whoa... Do you see that you are in that cycle? You can't just jump on my evaluation of this situation. I'm just here to prompt you with insights. Why do you think you are in that cycle... IF [b]I F[/b] you see that you are.

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul I know I have doubts.
If you're just criticizing me and not willing to offer some sort of help to move past it then what's the point?

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 I'm not criticising you or judging you. I applauded and commended you for your courage and tenacity. I offered you some insight into this cycle of doubt and POTENTIAL regret. But, I need to know if you actually see it. This isn't really about me assessing you; it's you assessing yourself. I'm your guide...

*Leans back and lets the smoke from the pipe rise to the ceiling*

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul Well yes I understand that I have this cycle of doubt and regret, it's what I'm trying to fight.
I do thinnk it's natural to some degree.
But at the same time I'm scared that I have it.
It doesn't stop me from going forward on the path that I'm on because I'm on this path and...it feels right. I have to get to the point where I get to see her again, right?
But I do feel scared of it.
If I can win, I need to know how.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 I don't know... if you need to see her again. To be honest, I keep getting the vibe that at least a part of you might not want to go back to her because you don't seem anxious to get back to that part of yourself.

A cycle of doubt and regret is not natural. That's not an ideal way to live. BUT... B U T... it's also a choice. So, if that is your conscious choice to live that way, then that's up to you, even if it is unnatural. Not everything in life IS natural.

Tbh, I'm concerned about all the qualified contradictions you put on things...

Living a life of doubt and regret [b]BUT[/b] it's natural
Making a decision [b]BUT[/b] scared of the decision
Feeling like you are on the right path [b]BUT[/b] scared of the path you have chosen
Getting to the point of seeing her again [b]BUT[/b] not wanting to go back to see her again

These aren't judgments or criticisms of you... it's what I hear from you. I can't tell you what to do and you don't want that and I don't want that. You are free to live your own life. It's not natural though to live it in agony.

It seems like you are in conflict between your decisions and your fears. UNLESS you want to live in this push-pull state of mind, you need to determine which is dominant: you decision or your fear.

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul First: I never said I don't want to see her again.
I am scared to see her again yes. That doesn't mean I don't want to see her again. It's all I've wanted for a year. It'd the crux of why I fully changed myself back to the man I once was. The better man.

I am still in conflict. But it is FAR less conflict than I once faced within.

You keep telling me I have to choose between the decision or the fear but there's never any indication as to HOW I'm supposed to do that.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 My job isn't to tell you what to do. It's to guide you to the decision YOU want to make. You never said you didn't want to see her, that's true. But, you are not really saying what you want... in MY OPINION ... BECAUSE of the conflict your are in.

*Leans back and taps pipe on side of chair*

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul I said what I want: To see her again. To spent even another minute in her company would be a privilege and for her to see me and who I really am, if that is EVER possible.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 And, yet you are scared to death. Quite honestly, I think you need to reflect on just exactly what you are feeling. And ONLY YOU can determine that... if you allow yourself the necessary amount of honesty. You don't need to prove anything to me... or anyone for that matter. Only to yourself. Allow yourself to not be scared of that... of self-honesty.

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul Why is it so wrong to be scared of the right decisions?
Why is fear not the appropriate response even for things we want?
I'm scared to live again. Everything is terrifying.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

@zeframcochrane 🧔 There is NOTHING wrong with it if fear is how you want to live your life. Congrats! You choose to live in fear. You want to live in fear. Fear is your religion. You are living your dream, your fantasy, and your life... in terror.

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MarkPaul You're really telling me you never have any fear about anything you do or choose?
You never have anything even resembling fear in your life?

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