Scared of something

It sounds stupid but, when the pandemic first started I left the city I was living in on the West Coast and went back to my hometown. And I left behind a lot of my friends and basically the whole life that I built there for a whole year. And specifically my crush. And I've continued talking to her and we haven't talked in a week or so but we did keep in touch regularly and we've told each other all the stuff we want to do when we see each other again.
And now I'm finally actually getting things together and a friend of mine made me an offer and it looks like I'm actually finally gonna be able to go back within the next couple months or so (let's not jinx it) and I'm scared.
I'm scared that she and I won't be able to pick up where we left off. I'm not even sure I want to because I've changed. I've gotten off drugs since the pandemic and I've learned a lot of things and I worked out and I'm ripped now and so much has changed.
I'm scared that I'll go back and everything will be different.
Because I know it will.
She and I hung out a bunch of times before all of it and we had such a nice thing going.
I don't know what I was to her and I know we'll never end up together. She's with someone. But I'm just scared.
I'm scared to see her again.
And I don't know why.
I've lost a year and a half of my life. I'll be 24.

I'm scared because I was a drug addict when we met with my life completely a mess and I was this depressed low-self esteem shy mess and now I'm actually me. I've been sober for 6 months. I'm ripped, I'm playing music and singing again, I got my motorcycle license and bought a bike that I can hopefully take her for a ride on and I'm just so scared.
On one hand I'm scared everything will have changed and she won't be able to see me anymore. Which is something I'm scared of to begin with. I'm scared no woman will ever see me for who I am and that I'm still that same boy I was back when I was a sweet little kid who liked picking flowers for the ladies in the neighbourhood and always read.
I'm scared that I'll take my shirt off (something I haven't done in a long time because I used to be that kid with the acne and kind of pudgy) and someone will see my abs and never see that I'm still that sort of fat, lonely kid that no one wanted. I'm scared I'll never be able to trust someone wanting me.

She saw me. It really felt like she saw me and I still don't even think that I can trust that she really saw me. But at least she saw something. And now it might just be all gone and I don't know what to do.
The really funny part is that I actually want to ask her if we can start over when we meet. I'm not that same pathetic man she met when I was 22. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a virgin again and I can give myself to some lucky lady and I'm sober and I feel me again. I feel alive again and I still have low-self esteem and confidence, that I'm not really sure how to get, the shyness is really me and I just kind of deflect with humour. Hopefully it doesn't make or break me, but I'm just so scared of what happens next.

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Quark · 41-45, F

It sounds like you're glossing over a really important part: she's with someone. Maybe you should look at why you have developed a crush on someone who is obviously unavailable. Are you mistaking friendship for romantic love? You can feel close to someone without wanting a romantic relationship with them. You can have an emotionally fulfilling relationship with someone without a romantic component.

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@Quark Maybe I'm still too young to know what love is and I get what you're saying.
But I have feelings for her that go well beyond friendship and I know it's wrong and I shouldn't have them. No one feels worse about it and hates that more than me. I know I can't have her.
I'd just like to see her again and I'm still nervous and scared to see her again.

Quark · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane It sounds like you're very lonely and are mistaking a deep platonic connection for romantic love. Instead of focusing on feeling guilty, recognize where these feelings are coming from. Do you really want to have sex with her, or do you just want to feel accepted and seen?

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@Quark Sex is far from my main goal. Of course I want acceptance and to be seen.
I don't know how to explain my feelings properly on this, I know I'm a kid still and don't exactly have the best grasp on love but I know my feelings go beyond friendship and I genuinely want to be with her.
She makes things better just by being around. I'm not a bad guy for having feelings for a friend that go beyond friendship even if she's taken, I'm a bad guy if I try to act on it and intrude on her and her life with her man. Which I have no intention to do. I just want to enjoy my time with her.
I've even wondered to myself if I should tell her the truth about how I feel and I'm still wrestling with it. But I don't know what that would accomplish. The only reason one should tell someone they have feelings for them is if they believe they could potentially be with that person. In this situation, all it would accomplish is giving her needless added stress. Best I keep this in my own head where it's only my problem to deal with and fight.

Quark · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane When you say "be with her" what do you mean? You want to be dating? Live together? You say that she makes you feel better, so I can see why you want to be around her in a more constant capacity but there's a couple of caveats here: One, being in a relationship with someone is very different than being friends, it has it's own stressors that are far different because you are intimately involved with that person. Two, are you looking for someone to be there constantly as an emotional crutch or because they make you feel better? It sounds like this woman has supported you almost like a therapist, this means she's giving you the tools to find yourself and become the person you want to be. What is does NOT mean is that you need her around constantly to maintain that change. You are building your sense of self-worth and becoming a better person, she was just the catalyst.

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@QuarkWhen I say "be with her" I mean in an ideal world, yes, I would have a shot at a romantic connection with her to be more than friends. But I know that will never happen. I'm not stupid.
Young and naive? Yes. An idiot? Yes. A little overly-romantic? Maybe. But not completely stupid.
I'm sure it has it's own stressors and I'm sure it's wildly different from a friendship. I wouldn't know because I've never really experienced it before having never really had a serious romantic relationship before. No one has ever wanted me like that.
But she's not a crutch. I can be my own person.

I understand that last part. And to be honest a lot of it was initially me doing it for her because I wanted to see her again and now? Now I legitimately like who I am.
I like having me back. It's been a long time since I've been me. I like being drug free. I'm proud of myself. Is it just so wrong to want to hear from her that she's proud of me too?
Is it so wrong to just want to be in her company?

Quark · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane It's good your proud of yourself and I can see that you want her to be proud of the progress you have made, but why does that mean being in a romantic relationship? Can she not be proud of you as a friend?

Side note: did you get love and affirmation from your mother? I know mine was quite cold and withholding, so when someone gave me the kind of support she should have I would find myself projecting romantic feelings onto them. I worked through it with my therapist, and what it really was is that I wanted the kind of loving and nurturing relationship I should have had with my mother and was mistaking that for wanting a romantic relationship. I think a lot of people who didn't get love from their parents look for that affirmation in relationships. In this case, maybe she is more giving you the kind of love that a mother would?

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@Quark She certainly can. But it won't stop me from having romantic feelings for her.

And oh 100% it should be incredibly fucking obvious that I have massive mother issues, my mother was a cold, inattentive and aloof woman who was there early on and then just pretty much withdrew into herself when I was 7 thanks to my dad's cheating. She never really showed much after that.
There are TONS of issues with her. Even now as we're FINALLY beginning to reconcile recently since I've stopped my drug abuse and gone back to church.
Doesn't change the fact that I'm still 100% interested in older women and want someone like this woman.

Quark · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane You probably could stop having romantic feelings for her if you really gained the insight that romance isn't what you are really looking for from her. It sounds more like you are having difficulty telling the different types of emotional closeness apart. There is more than just friends and romantic partners, you can be emotionally close and not romantically involved. I mean, what do you picture in a relationship with her?

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@Quark I picture having someone to love and who loves me. Two people who just want to spend time together, what does anyone picture in a relationship together?

I can't just shut my romantic feelings off, I'm sorry.
I recognize that romance isn't ALL I'm looking for. I'm looking for many things.

Quark · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane I'm not telling you to shut off your feelings, more helping you to get past them so you don't feel conflicted. You don't need to have a romantic relationship with her to keep receiving the emotional support you are getting.

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@Quark I understand that but I just have strong romantic feelings for her. Amongst other feelings.

Maybe I should just tell her when I see her. She's a sweet and kind person, I can tell her how I know it will never be anything and I'm probably just confused and she can help me.