Just asking for a friend

I am sad you are feeling this way.
I was in your situation for many years, culminating in my ending up in the gutter, homeless and hopeless.

I think a part of me wanted to be broken. I think maybe I hated myself, and that's why I let others pull me apart. I didn't value what I had.

Same here. I called it my self destruct mechanism. If things were going slightly better then I would do something that would bring me back down. Because that is where I deserved to be.
What right did I have to have hope or maybe a better life. Stay at the bottom of the heap where I belong.

Many years this went on for until one day I was fed up with living a life of misery and made an appointment to see a psychologist because I knew I could not do it on my own. I needed help. All my life up to that point I had never asked for help. Look where it got me. In the gutter, being ignored by society.
I think I would have had at least 50 sessions with at least 6 psychologists over a decade.
Just finding one who was compatible was a struggle in itself.
Eventually, after all my "getting stuff off my chest" and listening to the advice offered I came to a monumental conclusion one day.
The therapy sessions had show me I was worthy of a "Normal, happy life" like everyone else.
I became assertive in regards to not being used by others. My biggest failing was being unable to say no. People knew this and took advantage of my weakness.
Once I learnt to say no, once I learnt assertiveness, once I gained self respect and self love then my life completely changed. For the better.
23 years after I was last in the gutter I am in control. I am in charge of the direction my life is heading and I am what I might call, contented.
Without counseling I would have died 2 decades ago.

There were people who told me No man is an island. I vehemently disagreed.
I do not need anyone, Stay away from me and leave me alone.
Seems I was wrong. I needed help, I asked for help and I received that help.

A counsellor can help. It is up to you to ask for help. Please consider talking to someone with training and your life can too change for the better.

I didn't read everything until the end yet (will be back for elaboration later), but I felt like I have to tell you this right away:

If there was nothing lovable about you, you wouldn't be even born.

Just the fact that you are alive on its own is showing that just like everything on the physical plane, just like the north pole and south pole.. you have your far positive and negative extremes... balanced by you. You feel lost because you are in the middle and you feel pulled in both directions.

You can use your daily choices to lean onto the sides of you that you want to understand better.

I may add things later... but... you choose what to believe in, not your external conditions (people, environment etc). So even if the world says that you are your most negative extreme and nothing else, you have a choice to eithet be that, or pay more attention not to what they say but to listen and focus on your inner growth and see.. that you are much more complex and beyond their judgment.

You really are what you think. If you want to be a certain way, you can be that. And no one can change that unless you let them.

So forget what they think. Don't think about how to be a certain way. Just embody the way you want to be. Everything else is just small details.

I'll come back to comment on loneliness soon..

Have you ever tried writing poetry? The way you write has a poetic element to it. I think channeling those emotions into something creative could help you rediscover yourself,process your pain and make some good out of the bad. Poetry doesnt have to be good and you don't have to share it anywhere if you're not ready. One of the best ways to process pain is to make art out of it.

Yep Ik what u mean