Just asking for a friend

Have you ever felt like there wasn't a single piece of yourself worth loving? Like you've desecrated every level of self respect that you might've had, and let the world eat away at you until nothing was left?

Just asking for a friend...

I don't even know how to get back to myself anymore. I feel like there's nothing left of the old me. I wish I had been stronger and protected myself better. Instead, I think a part of me wanted to be broken. I think maybe I hated myself, and that's why I let others pull me apart. I didn't value what I had.

I feel so lost now. So at the end of my rope. I feel like I just need to be alone, on an island by myself. Whenever I allow myself to interact with people I just end up getting hurt. I need some time to heal. Some time to myself.

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Gusman · 61-69, M

I am sad you are feeling this way.
I was in your situation for many years, culminating in my ending up in the gutter, homeless and hopeless.

I think a part of me wanted to be broken. I think maybe I hated myself, and that's why I let others pull me apart. I didn't value what I had.

Same here. I called it my self destruct mechanism. If things were going slightly better then I would do something that would bring me back down. Because that is where I deserved to be.
What right did I have to have hope or maybe a better life. Stay at the bottom of the heap where I belong.

Many years this went on for until one day I was fed up with living a life of misery and made an appointment to see a psychologist because I knew I could not do it on my own. I needed help. All my life up to that point I had never asked for help. Look where it got me. In the gutter, being ignored by society.
I think I would have had at least 50 sessions with at least 6 psychologists over a decade.
Just finding one who was compatible was a struggle in itself.
Eventually, after all my "getting stuff off my chest" and listening to the advice offered I came to a monumental conclusion one day.
The therapy sessions had show me I was worthy of a "Normal, happy life" like everyone else.
I became assertive in regards to not being used by others. My biggest failing was being unable to say no. People knew this and took advantage of my weakness.
Once I learnt to say no, once I learnt assertiveness, once I gained self respect and self love then my life completely changed. For the better.
23 years after I was last in the gutter I am in control. I am in charge of the direction my life is heading and I am what I might call, contented.
Without counseling I would have died 2 decades ago.

There were people who told me No man is an island. I vehemently disagreed.
I do not need anyone, Stay away from me and leave me alone.
Seems I was wrong. I needed help, I asked for help and I received that help.

A counsellor can help. It is up to you to ask for help. Please consider talking to someone with training and your life can too change for the better.

wtfgirl001 · 31-35, F

@Gusman There are so many good nuggets of wisdom in your story. Thank you for sharing. Perhaps I should seek a therapist again.