Struggles & Identity

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Suicidal people and how they leave people around them feeling guilty

I have a friend that I've known for years now, ever since I met her she's been sad, depressed and needy.

At first I thought I'd listen to her, care for her and be there for her whenever she needed, it went on for about 2 years, I spent days and nights listening to her endless nags and whines about everything and everyone, it damaged myself too since I've been struggling with depression but I don't talk about it.

After that many days and years I finally noticed that this is the pattern of her behavior, she doesn't try at all to get better not one single effort did she make, I also realized the reason behind her behavior but I won't go into those details.

After that I used covid quarantines as an excuse to stay away from her and her negative energies but then she started attempting suicide, saying nobody cared about her and with that I fell in her circle of depression plus now suicidal thoughts.
Ngl it took me again a while to notice it was her new method to get attention. After that I began ignoring her more.

Till a few days ago she texted me and said "hey Nano I don't feel good at all" which I ignored, today she called me, she had a confused and tired tone, told me she's hospitalized because she attempted suicide......

Now it wasn't my fault, I had 10000 reasons for staying away from her, she ruined more than 2 years of my life (I know it was my own fault too)
But guilt is knocking at my door.... "if u replied to her text it might've been prevented"

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

WaryWitchWandering · 36-40, F

It’s not anybody’s job to carry another’s burden… you can listen and ask them to get help if you feel things getting heavy

But you can’t force someone to get help or help themselves (if they are capable) unless they want it

It’s not her fault and it’s not yours either

I’m sorry for your friend, I hope they will now get the help they need.

Don’t let it gnaw at you though. You’re not their therapist and you did try, now they are in hospital where they can get help from professionals (hopefully)

kodiac · 22-25, M

What pushed me over the edge was like you after a very long time of staying up all night talking then going to work with no sleep was seeing the person post long.posts thanking someone else for staying up with them on nights i was told i was the only one there with them .

Nanori · F

@kodiac damn,.....what did u do then?

kodiac · 22-25, M

@Nanori Stayed away , it was an emotional vampire sucking me dry.

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

@kodiac Yeah I used to do that a lot, I have clear boundaries for myself now. If they're not a close friend or fam I'm hitting the sack

HannibalAteMeOut · 22-25, F

You can't prevent a suicide unless you basically lock a person inside the psychiatric ward. Patients like that are so difficult, they find faults in every psychologist/psychiatrist that tries to help them, so what can non healthcare professionals even do? It's not their fault, it's their illness but you were just trying your best and friendship should not be one sided. You can't be the person who always responds, always runs, always worries, always spends your time and energy with no good outcome watsoever.

Nanori · F

@HannibalAteMeOut yeah also sucks to see all the effort and time I spent on her was for nothing. Welp better late than never I guess tho I'm gonna need therapy to detox myself :|....

HannibalAteMeOut · 22-25, F

@Nanori it's hard especially since it might have triggered negative feelings for you too being in the same position. At least you are trying to help both yourself and others.

PiecingBabyFaceTogether · 31-35, M

Looks to me that you did try to help and you already made sacrifices. You really can't help someone without them wanting to help themselves. But anyway her failed attempt is a good thing, I can only hope it helps her see things clearly and start healing. A lot of people do change when they hit this low and they start to appreciate the little things.

You did your best Nano, you have a good heart.

Nanori · F

@PiecingBabyFaceTogether knowing her I doubt she'll change after this, she's being moved to a mental hospital, that I hope helps her.

AuRevoir · 36-40, M

The problem is suicidal stuff is complex and complicated… and what she didn’t need is to solely rely on you but she needed a much larger circle of friends/family to rely on..

Yet when you’re in that place you feel like you can’t open up to everyone about it.. and you only end up opening to a very select few.. the problem with that being you open up to your most special people about it.. but you end up creating this burden and weight that they carry when you do..

Life sucks… because we only end up corrupting what we love I think.. unless that person knows of those same exact feelings without your influence in them.. it only manages to breed more chaos and as you said.. causes people to distance themselves from you…

Suicidal people need more friends so that their negative ills are spread about more evenly..

I speak this as someone who struggles with being a suicidal person from time to time.. so idk…

It’s not your fault.. and if they’re a true friend they would never place that blame on you.. their call to you is most likely the simplest truth.. they miss you is all.. and they’re hurting…. However being a suicidal person they’re likely to always be hurting…

Don’t place any burden on yourself.. if they’re anything like I am they only blame their suicidal tendencies on their past that haunts them like a real life ghost.. not on you.. and the loneliness just convinces them to make attempts is all.. but it’s never your fault…

Nanori · F

@AuRevoir

Yet when you’re in that place you feel like you can’t open up to everyone about it.. and you only end up opening to a very select few

that's also what I thought at first, till I noticed she's been telling everyone about her problems, buying their pities and looking for someone who'd enable her to whine more

AuRevoir · 36-40, M

@Nanori strange behavior…… I couldn’t really tell what her deal is then..

Miram · 31-35, F

In my profession and outside of it, there were times I succeeded to help and there were times I failed.
Some people can't be helped.
Simply because despite what they say, they are dishonest with themselves. They don't want help, or support.
They aren't ready or they are done trying, or they want reinforcement of a convenient mindset which allows them to remain comfortably as they are. Blissfully miserable, content to excorciate themselves when no one else will.
It can be tragic, when that is the only identity worth clinging to and there is nothing else into them but it. Whether it is life doing or coupled with their own unwillingness.
I have always questioned why offer solutions to anyone that only seeks absolution from agency and the posthumous reward of a well populated funeral and I can't lie and say that does not discourage me.
But I have very radical issues with grief that makes it almost impossible for me to accept losing to death.
I occasional strugge with suicide ideation myself but I mostly deal with it on my own and through my own devices. You will rare catch me lamenting about the whys or using a person as last desperate escape.
It is my own problem, no one else's.

Nanori · F

@Miram you should become some sort of analyzer :| you don't miss a thing

rrraksamam · 31-35, M

Hi

I have a simple rule regarding su!cidal people - avoid them at all costs.

You can embrace all sorts of people - sad people, depressed people, lonely people, angry people, miserable people...etc
These are people who can be helped, that will eventually feel better, get better, and will appreciate what you did for them.

Su!cidal people on the other hand, are a huge risk that in my opinion, aren't worth the trouble. These are people who don't understand the value of life, and they're mentally unstable.
All they want is attention, and, attention-seeking on the su!cide level is as bad as it gets.
I have seen quite a few su!cidal people who tried to pin the blame on the very people who were trying to help them.

Imagine wasting dozens of hours trying to help someone and comfort them and make them feel better only to be blamed for them feeling su!cidal.
It's mentally draining. It's exhausting. And in most cases, you'll end up with nothing to show for it.

Some people in this world are like ticks - they suck the life blood out of everyone surrounding them.

Life has enough problems and miseries for everyone. The last thing you need is someone that'll take away the remaining bits of hope and happiness left inside you.

Mooed78 · F

I know it’s hard. You have to protect yourself and your mental health too.

Nanori · F

@Mooed78 I was stupid for taking responsibility for her wellbeing to begin with

Mooed78 · F

@Nanori No not at all.. you did your best to help her. You have been a good friend to her..now you need to take care of yourself 🥰❤️

MoonlightLullaby

There's so much to say, but like the others have stated, there is no guilt to be felt on your part. I love helping and encouraging people myself. The thing is, we're not psychologists and people shouldn't blame anyone for their suicidal thoughts unless it's the person who caused legit trauma. That's a very unfair burden and seems like manipulation.

Nanori · F

@MoonlightLullaby it is manipulation, and I was being part of her self-created downward spiral without knowing better

MoonlightLullaby

@Nanori Exactly. Dust yourself off and give yourself a pat on the back for trying to help. It says a lot about your character and you learned from your mistake (s).💖

SW-User

But, it is not your responsibility to keep her alive. Harsh as it sounds.
And at some level it is also enabling her need for attention in this manner. If she keeps getting energy from it, she keeps doing it.
Sometimes you have to let someone go and let them find a solution for their pain, the kind that heals and not just feeds into their needs.

WaryWitchWandering · 36-40, F

@SW-User thisss so much this

sarabi · F

At least you're aware. And you can't prevent someone from doing anything to themselves unless you put them in asylum, even that.
We need to help people as much as we can, but not at the cost of our lives.
A person that doesn't want to be helped, can't be helped. You can do only as much, and you're not professional. People with suicidal thoughts need professional help and opinion because that's a disorder.

Whatever happens, you shouldn't feel guilty about something that was never in your control.

Also, some people know only how to live life by consuming other people's energies,like a parasite, bc they weren't taught how to produce their own, or don't wanna learn how to. And parasites in nature aren't all that bad, except when they overtake the host.

Wish you and your friend all the best

Nanori · F

@sarabi

some people know only how to live life by consuming other people's energies,like a parasite, bc they weren't taught how to produce their own, or don't wanna learn how to

Thissss

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

I get that. It's not on you at all, you're a decent person so obviously you still think about it which is normal.

I've had a tough time with boundaries regarding helping others also, but you can't fix people or be their life raft when it's holding you there as well. I've had to stop talking to a couple people because of that recently.

If the other person won't try then it's ultimately on them, I've been that person and the person who got out of that. I still am dealing with depression atm, it's why I have to work extra hard all the time, smoke for extra dopamine etc. If you wanna talk I'm also going through a patch atm, would be nice to hear from you

Nanori · F

@Ryannnnnn thank you 😚

cherokeepatti · 61-69, F

You did more than you had to and she was still caught in her downward spiral. She has to make an effort besides talking to get well.

Nanori · F

@cherokeepatti

She has to make an effort besides talking to get well.

yh I kept telling her that but apparently she enjoys that lifestyle

cherokeepatti · 61-69, F

@Nanori well leave her to it. At this point I’d say she is manipulating you and others with her depression. It’s called “malingering” when someone doesn’t want to make an effort to overcome their illnesses.

Grateful4you · M

Suicide is the ultimate passive aggressive act. and a totally selfish act.

Nanori · F

@Grateful4you idk man, I've seen people who just wanted the pain to end :/ but yh I always say if u have nothing to lose then live a crazy life instead.

Grateful4you · M

@Nanori I guess maybe I'm jaded and basing observations on the attention seekers who take advantage of people trying to be supportive and empathetic. I started out in life supporting suicidal threats.

kodiac · 22-25, M

@Grateful4you I agree ,

antonioioio · 70-79, M

I wouldn't let anybody lay that on me. I would tell them the truth, If that's wanted to do, it would be their decision, ❤️

Jackaloftheazuresand · 26-30, M

First thing is to decriminalize the action of telling someone to do it since nobody has ever gone through with it because of that, something else is always the culprit while that is the scapegoat. Then the state needs to open it up by getting rid of institutionalization. Finally allow people to help others do it. When it's all easy access the ones who will go, can. The manipulatives will remain. There's no point in stopping it because it's not wrong.

AngelKrish · 26-30, M

I tried to help many depressed people....best friendship was built slowly slowly i also started feeling depressed... happiness of my life is all gone...that's how it works...u attract negatives to u...too

firefall · 61-69, M

If you'd replied to her text, you might've gotten sucked down into it too.

She's still using suicide to get attention - instead of threatening it, she's making (I bet half-hearted) attempts at it.

Slade · 56-60, M

It's not your job to save her. Ultimately it is hers.

If she's done all these attempts and never succeeded, that tells me that's what she wanted to happen. The ultimate in manipulation

scooogy · 31-35, MVIP

Had that as well, except for this occupying my focus on college. And that she didn't survive it...

Nanori · F

@scooogy sounds mean but in ended.... Tragic however

eMortal · M

We all have moments in life where we have to make hard choices. This could be yours.

Montanaman · M

😔💔🤗❤️
https://similarworlds.com/thoughts/personal-feelings/1816385-If-you-are-contemplating-suicide-would-you-reach

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

I know what this feels like. I had a friend here that would regularly tell me she was suicidal or she wanted to hurt herself. I stayed up for many nights with her to try and prevent that and talk her out of it. Remind her of what she had to live for.

Pretty sure it was all just manipulations. She’s deleted her account now but I have heard she’s here on another.

You are a good person @Nanori. You can only do so much for someone. None of that is your fault. Your friend needs to get help from professionals. I hope you are okay.

View 1 more replies »

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@Nanori I think you should maintain your distance because she’s just going to drag you back in.

Maybe that’s awful of me to say but you need to protect yourself too.

Nanori · F

@iamonfire696 not awful at all, it's logical
You're right

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@Nanori Try and stop feeling bad. You can feel bad that your friend is in this spot but there’s nothing you can do to change it. That’s up to her and her mental health team to work on.

Bang5luts · M

That's a lie. You are a caring person and your inner self talk is lying to you.. it isn't your fault, you did the best you could until you couldn't. If you're feeling guilty that's natural, we humans are social beings, we love helping others and being there for others. Don't let the guilt consume you.

aboveaverageaveragejoe · 51-55, M

What if you'd answered and she still tried to commit suicide? Still be your fault.

Cut this one loose. She isn't your responsibility. Maybe your only failure is not making her get help for herself.

Nanori · F

@aboveaverageaveragejoe yeah ik tho I told her many times to get professional help but after attending a few sessions she stopped going cause they were actually helping her :/ now after this they're gonna send her to a mental hospital, idk if they can keep her there against her own will

Lilnonames · F

There's many on here who do thst to there friends u know them im sure. I know them. I can't help them only they can and no i dont feel guilty

This message was deleted by its author.

Nanori · F

@DDonde I gave up trying not to make them feel bad, when they don't help themselves why should I bother

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