Sorry, but there's no link to your discussion with her. I'm curious, but can't opine. However, if it's the woman I think it is, I'd be pleased to know which church you both attend so I can also assess the issue from that perspective.
Can we stop referring to it as manipulation? I have BPD and I’ll tell you I’ve never attempted to manipulate anyone. The behaviour may seem that way but it’s not that way. It’s a coping mechanism in fear of being abandoned
I met a girl last month at a convention and we hit it off and found we have so much in common. But I learned eventually she has mental health issues and she isn't consistent with planning to do things together even if she says she wants to do something together. She only lives a town away from me and she said she is never that busy, so Idk why she wanna even waste my time.
I sort of think you are wasting your time with each other. Regardless of who is at fault she seems to be saying that you aren't right for each other. Is your professional interest enough to put up with all this suffering?
@Poppies Just wish for once in their life they could have some sense "look im not someone you know has a personality that will cause the relationship to inevitably fall apart, im a neurotypical one and an ambitious, intelligent one at that. You are an adult and as time goes by you will need support in your life so stop playing these games". But yeah wont work.
I just messaged her this, as im having to lay everything out like a legal document to avoid her gaslighting and throwing 100 irrelevant nitpicks at everything I've said:
"I'll get it laid out, whilst it's fresh on my mind. You said "sure" to the proposition of being serious and getting a date sorted, and so..
1. To avoid a situation in which neither us of believe the other has decided they aren't interested in talking or meeting, we will maintain a daily contact.
2. To avoid a situation in which either of us offends or thinks we may have offended the other, this daily contact will involve only a) Discussion of media we enjoy/hobbies, b) discussion about work c) discussing what we will do at the meetup and organising measures to facilitate the meetup under those conditions.
As you stated, you want to be serious about a relationship and don't want their to be arguments. I also want to be serious about the relationship and don't want there to be any arguments or anything else setting back the meetup.
And so, are you therefore serious and so in agreement with those terms that we will BOTH have? That's a "yes", or "no" question".
She'll create an excuse to cancel the meet (she's done it lots, she's disordered and just wants the attention of men, triangulating them against a 5 years ago ex she still chooses to feature on her IG), I'll delete her and then share her antics including the messages with the rest of the church. If I've learned everything these last few days, it's that we need to start holding horrible people accountable.
@Therealsteve are people with BPD actually horrible? As I said, I have an in-law whom I'm pretty certain has it. But I don't hold her totally accountable for her behavior. I think she is suffering more than the rest of us are. I wish she would get therapy, but I would never consider exposing her to her church or the other important institutions in her life. At any rate, I wish you both well. Farewell.
I have an in-law who I suspect is borderline. She is very manipulative, in addition to dividing everyone firmly into good and bad teams and accusing us of rejecting her (she is the one who has rejected us).
@Poppies Borderline. I'm not even joking, she told me today that she overreacted to something in our conversation that was "small" and "stupid", which wasn't even anything I was actually comforting her, and that her being stupid like that was MY fault and that SHE needs to consider if she can "look past it" and still have feelings for me. I think the truth is she was stringing me along with the idea of a meet to get attention and therapy from a guy, promising a meet in september which she didnt plan on following through with, come september brought up ex's until she got a hint of nothing other than submission from me, and that's her evidence we shouldnt meet.
This "behaviour" she says she is struggling to "see past" is her constantly inappropriately bringing up ex's until I was the tiniest bit indifferent as she brought him up twice within ten minutes. Whilst apparently having a guy that comforted her about those things that no guy should be comforting over, listening to her moan about her family, sharing my disney+, serenading her (professional pianist), watching the stuff she likes is nothing... yeah, BPD 101 isn't it.
And further to the first paragraph, her solution is "let's start fresh, i now have plans for the next two weeks so maybe we can meet after those two weeks...on top of the two months i've already made her wait", and it took two hours of arguing for me to have her agree to actually "start fresh" and not pretend i did anything wrong for her to state "we need to go EVEN SLOWER", not even that but also "to see if I even like you at all". I just can't put all the contradictions and nastiness etc going on at once into words. It feels like just.... sickness. Like a festering, growing rot. That I only got with one previous BPD ex. This one told me she has no mental health/neurodevelopmental condition. Though does this to me after lovebombing me. Saying she wants sex, marriage etc and then later tells me "you were creepy" when you responded in kind hence I cancelled another meet up.
Here we go. "I got upset over something really small and stupid... which makes me question whether I should still like YOU". That is something that I should consider judging HER over, she did it. But somehow that's me.
@GeistInTheMachine Tell me about it. She's complaining that I upset her and want arguments, so I said "okay then to avoid arguments or hurt let's have a rule where we only discuss 1. our day 2. our interests 3. our meetup", which she argued against.
Because she wants to be able to bring up ex's to make me compete against and to start trouble over and doesn't actually wants to meet. She dangles the idea of us meeting like a carrot, then when it comes to the date brings up ex's until it bothers me, then i've done something awful so conveniently the date needs moving back whilst she considers if she still has feelings for me despite how awful i was.
As for the ruining your life - she's naturally already sent this video with a laugh track of this girl having had sex and the guy pulling her back for more, then pulling her back for more again. Accompanied by the odd hints that she wants Domming and being treated like that. But like with my BPD ex who did all that, no clear parameters in a dynamic that needs clear ones, so it can be abuse when she decides it is. And with both, it's always breadcrumbed in a way in which they have you running after them for another crumb of intimacy.
And get this, I told her that my first sexual experience involved me being pressured into it, she told me that it "wasn't as bad" as and told me about a sexual experience in which the guy came in seconds whilst she didnt get wet, yet she chose to see him for 6 months whilst im not good enough to be treated properly. Obviously so many layers of manipulation and lies in there (finished in a few seconds lol) that it's ridiculous.
And somehow, it's always every one else at fault, not them.
@Therealsteve Be safe bro. They are certified Grade A dangerous if you let your guard down. All it takes is is letting them under your skin once or twice for things to go from 0 to 100 insanely fast. They have zero compunction and feel justified in doing whatever they want.
Mine tried to frame me for r@pe but I screenshotted her threats to frame me.
It also helped that I knew my rights and the law and how to handle it. But imagine if she was smart about it.
The more they get to know you and your strengths and weaknesses, the more insidious they can be.
And they can and will triangulate people against you and make false claims to police and authorities. They can be extremely good at acting and lying. My ex could "cry" on demand. They can be experts at gaslighting. Sometimes I wonder if my ex believed her own lies.
Don't play with fire 🔥. It gets worse for everyone involved each BPD meltdown they have. I cannot even begin to tell you the insanity I have been through. It was a terrible trauma bond and I ended up wishing I had never met her by the end after 7 years on/off.
I loved her immensely and wanted badly to help her and stay with her, but in the end she was killing me inside and out. And I was letting her do that.
