Upset
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Is it normal to insist not telling someone your story until you meet ?

The man I am talking to right now is telling me that he needs to see me in person in order to tell me «everything» because doing this on social media is not very « convenient»
The thing is, yesterday I discovered that he was married and he has two children from his previous marriage. Plus he is a man who moves a lot so he is willing to live in Japan next years for professional reasons.
It’s been exactly 11 days that we are calling each other, talking… I told him everything about my life and my past but he never waited a minute telling me. All what he have been saying: I need to see you face to face in order to tell you all about it.
But I said everything on the phone? Why is that make it any different ?
I accidentally discovered all theses informations about his previous life and I was shocked! Why didn’t I ask him before? I feel stupid because I am now on a stage where I started to have real feelings and we started talking about the house and kids.. he says that we will get married before going “to live in Japan”
I am thinking about ending all this crap because my head is burning so bad and I need energy to put it somewhere else!
RedGrizzly · 26-30, F
That's a huge red flag.
1). He's still married and has a family already. Think what you want, but the unforseen consequences are that the both of you will definitely complicate your lives. If the wife files for divorce on infidelity, obviously child support will be brought up. It'll hurt financially and then having to deal with co-parenting and ex wife drama.
2). He's already proven to be unfaithful. He's talking to you on the premise for an intimate relationship while he's obligated to his family. So what's to say, he leaves his family, has fun with you, but decides he wants someone or something more?
3). 11 days in and he's wanting to meet, talk about a future with you, wants YOU to follow him around across the world stripping you of the life you built and cutting you away from your lifeline (family and friends). It's about him, so it's not 50/50 here.
4). It could be just a preference that he wants to talk face to face than over text. He could be an old school guy, sure...but from what you revealed about him, he lied to you about his relationship status by omission...which seems to be his tactic to remain a mystery to you considering the way you both talk through the phone. You spilling everything about you, and he just doesn't reciprocate that. Most likely, as someone else pointed out, he's a great manipulator in person and will play on your feelings with him. Texting limits people on how they present themselves.
5). It's only 11 days in. To my knowledge, just an assumption, is that you met him 7 years ago. A lot could have changed during those years so obviously based on the other reasons I gave, you don't know him as well as you think you do. So, think of him as a stranger. If you had an interest in someone you just met, reasonably you wouldn't follow their every whim, especially over life changing decisions. 11 days isn't long enough. To me, it's like he's speed running through this to have a change of pace for whatever reason that has nothing to do with you but more so about his family. It could be anything from, I'm in an unhappy marriage and want to live out my fantasies to I'm having some sort of mid-life crisis and need a change of pace.

All of those things, you do not want to meddle in. Just keep living your life, keep being successful, and the right guy may find you. I guarantee you, the right man wouldn't ask so much of you in a deceptive way. You sound like you've made up your mind about this whole fling, so I hope this helps you keep your confidence in doing what's best for you.
pdockal · 56-60, M
Y’all have only known each other for 11 days??
mellie · 26-30, F
@crownedwithlaurel97 we met. 7 years ago. But he was dating someone else at that time. I know everything about his life except the mariage kids japan detail…
Selah ·
So, this is insane.
PowerofStories · 61-69, M
Run. And be grateful that the past 11 days have given you an important life lesson without the almost certain painful experience that is likely to follow, if you go down this path.
PowerofStories · 61-69, M
@PowerofStories Let me add to my answer in way that may not seem so harsh.

The fact that he didn't tell you he is married or has kids and that you only found out about it by accident is a huge red flag. The fact that he is ready to run off with you without telling his family is another huge red flag. If you still have hope but need to verify for certain that this is a dead end relationship, there is a lot you can do to check him out legally. Some suggestions.

1. Create another email address that you need only for this purpose and use a video software (Zoom, etc) to invite him to a video chat. He can see your face and tell you what he needs to tell you with a safe physical distance between you. And you can ask him to his face to explain the hugely important lie he told you. You can insist that he provide verifying details that will enable you to do your own broader background check. Full name, date of birth, address, workplace, claimed employer in Japan and lots more. If you don't like what you hear, you can block him. And m

2. I don't know where you are located, but if you are in the US, you can use those details to do a court system check and other checks to find out if he is divorced, if he claims to be. Also if he has been sued for not paying his bills, arrested and charged, etc.

3. If you decide to meet him, bring a friend along and meet him in a public place with others around.

There are lots of other things as well. But just remember, if you get involved with a guy who claims he is single, but is married, and you marry him, the new marriage will be void. The house you buy may be subject to claims of his first wife, and you may find that you have as big part of your relationship complications with his wife, kids, etc.

The biggest red flag is the blatant dishonesty and I agree with others here that even if this guy was perfect and truthful, this is going way, way too fast.
mellie · 26-30, F
@PowerofStories we met. 7 years ago. But he was dating someone else at that time. I know everything about his life except the mariage kids japan detail…
daydeeo · 61-69, M
He's the rare sort who can lie to your face better than over the phone.
Read your final sentence. There's your answer.
DrWatson · 70-79, M
If he is being secretive about being married, that is pretty disgusting.

But, in general, I am also someone who would rather be face-to-face before sharing intimate details, so the two of us can be attuned to things like vocal inflections and facial expressions. Not to mention positive developments like holding hands or hugging in response.

But of course, I am an "old guy" and did not grow up with texting and messaging as the norm.
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
Honestly if this happened to me... I'd run, because it sounds scary.
Doesn't matter if you met him 7 years ago ...he lied to you about family and moving to Japan.
How do you know what else he's going to do or lie to you about?
What about his wife she doesn't deserve any kind of respect?
Honestly, the way you describe him he sounds unstable.
mellie · 26-30, F
@Justmeraeagain they are divorced
Nothing about this situation is normal.
GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M
Yeah, I am sorry. It's not meant to be it will only hurt you. He will never leave his wife and kids for you, he would only keep you as a side piece and string you along and his kids would resent you. You're attractive, you will be able to find a better man soon.
Sapio · 51-55, M
Go with your gut. If you feel to end it. Thenend it.

I see a lot of red flags here. He seems like the type of guy you see on TV that is married to two people at the same time. I think you should err on the side of caution.
Magenta · F
Yes, I would say that's the smart thing to do.

But, you have only "known" each other not even a full two weeks and already all this? Yikes! Plus pushing you to meet him. I would extricate myself.
mellie · 26-30, F
@Magenta we met. 7 years ago. But he was dating someone else at that time. I know everything about his life except the mariage kids japan detail…
DefNotTravelguy · 41-45, M
How can you talk about houses and kids with any kind of seriousness after only 11 days of just phone calling and never meeting in person?
mellie · 26-30, F
@DefNotTravelguy we met. 7 years ago. But he was dating someone else at that time. I know everything about his life except the mariage kids japan detail…
Sweetpoison · 41-45, F
So he can’t tell you more about him but he can tell you he wants to marry you without having you met yet? Red Flag!
mellie · 26-30, F
@Sweetpoison we met. 7 years ago. But he was dating someone else at that time. I know everything about his life except the mariage kids japan detail…
Elisbch · M
IMHO.... the relationship is moving way too fast 😔.
Your conscience is telling you to stop. Listen to your inner self. 🙂
mellie · 26-30, F
@Elisbch we met. 7 years ago. But he was dating someone else at that time. I know everything about his life except the mariage kids japan detail…
Elisbch · M
@mellie

Ohhh.. okay 😊.. I misunderstood and didn't see the 7 years part. My mistake. 🙂
Aysel · F
It's quite normal. This is what we used to do before smartphones became ubiquitous. We used to meet and completely engage while looking each other in the eyes.
smiler2012 · 56-60
@mellie personally i think you should not waste your time with this guy he has a wife and family 🤷‍♂kick him into touch as somebody is going too get hurt
Coldplay · 61-69, M
NOT GOOD...you are getting played. Get out while you can.
SW-User
Well he sounds sus as hell. I wouldn't meet him or if you must, make it a really busy place like a coffee shop. I don't know about this...safety number 1
mellie · 26-30, F
@SW-User we met. 7 years ago. But he was dating someone else at that time. I know everything about his life except the mariage kids japan detail…
Tumbleweed · F
Nope. Nothing about this makes any sense. You need to get out of this mess before you end up getting hurt.
Rokan · 31-35, M
You are too young to be getting all this baggage
Cassieeeee · 31-35, F
Easier to gaslight and manipulate in person.
that’s a huge red flag. MARRIED BEFORE MOVING TO JAPAN? GIRL RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

 
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