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Would you feel hurt or no?

A concert of someone my husband and I have listened to since we were teenagers, was happening in our city. We didn’t think we’d be able to afford to go, so we didn’t buy tickets. Then, last minute, we realized that we could go. So we bought tickets and were SO excited to go. It’s all we’ve been talking about…

Anyways, two weeks before the concert I’m busting my ass working (so is he) but I happen to have other stuff going on too outside of work like extra appointments, a bachelorette for my cousin, etc. So I’ve been running on empty and feeling extra exhausted. I end up getting a horrible cold the day before the concert. Mind you I’ve been working two jobs..The night before the concert, my husband goes out with his friends and comes home and admits to me that he “almost lost $150 from gambling on a bet” and how the “universe stopped him from spending/losing” and “it was a close call” because we can’t afford to lose $150. I didn’t make a big deal out of it because he didn’t lose the money, but I thought to myself “that’s irresponsible for someone who is already tight on money.”

So on the day of the concert, my husband takes one look at me and goes “you don’t look well at all” (I wasn’t) and he goes “I better sell your ticket asap” “We NEED that money”

Is it wild of me to be extremely hurt and jealous about this? It’s not fair how i had to miss something I was so excited for and have been looking forward to, and this was supposed to be our outing together for the fall since we didn’t do much in the summer besides work and family stuff. And he replaced me with a friend to go to the concert to without hesitation. He didn’t even seem that upset that I wouldn’t be able to make it…I obviously didn’t really expect him to stay home with me while I’m sick, because he never has done that for me anyways, but….it’s how quickly he found a backup plan. He didn’t even prod me to see if maybe I would feel well enough to end up going. I can’t stop thinking about this.

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LadyGrace · 70-79

You are totally in the right here. I can't even imagine he would do that to you. This is just outrageous behavior, not fair at all. You have every right to feel the way you do. I'm not married, but I would be livid if my husband did that to me. Do you know who this person was that he took with him to the concert? Are you sure? It was so irresponsible in the first place, of him to blow $150 on gambling when he knows everything is tight and you need that money for whatever purpose comes along. I am just furious about this I tell you. The injustice. He certainly didn't seem to have your feelings in mind. Sounds like he needs to grow up, I'm sorry to say.

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@LadyGrace okay so I’m not going crazy 🥲

LadyGrace · 70-79

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 no dear, you certainly are not.

Kstrong · 56-60, F

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 np youre not going crazy, yes he needs to grow up, make you his priority.. not his friends.. . You shouldn't have to compete for his attention and he needs to be mindful of not spending hard earned income on extra curricular activities

I can relate all to well, and should have made changes much earlier than I did. I'm making up for lost time now, but am so happy with the changes I made and moving ahead in life... Braveheart21 can attest to that

Luckylu · 61-69, F

There obviously is more here than what you are telling us because this came out in a comment to a comment:

I told him to give me 15 minutes and that I’d let him know after I took Tylenol cold, how I felt. But because he was snippety to me about the money thing, and needing to sell it ASAP, (even though I was contributing to the ticket lol), I just ended up telling him “you know what? you just do what you want to do”.

My guess is there are past experiences with him that you have suppressed which are now rising to the surface because of this situation triggering them.

Regardless, in this single situation you should have stood your ground and insisted he wait to see if the medication helped. Instead you told him to do what he wanted so you can’t blame him for him doing exactly what you told him to do.

It is apparently clear you have seen this behaviour in him before. Your choice is to either accept him as he is or get out. You cannot change him. If he has shown you a lack of empathy and you continue to be with him, don’t expect him to suddenly change and be the person you want him to be. You will just end up disappointing yourself.

People only change when they see something about themselves they don’t like. You pointing out what you don’t like won’t change him, it will just cause a rift.

Did you accept this behaviour when you began a relationship with him? If so, you need to learn to accept him as he is or move on. It never works when someone tries to change to make someone else happy if they don’t want to change for themselves.

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@Luckylu You’re not wrong about there being an underlying and reoccurring issue. The fact that he willingly almost gambled and lost the same amount of money the night before with friends, and then made it seem like money was the #1 issue when I was trying to make my decision, also really hurt. I should’ve been more vocal about how I would’ve still probably forced myself to go, but ultimately I have to deal with the reality that he is unaffected and and his life and plans go on with or without me, with no emotion being felt on his end. And I need to decide if I’m willing to potentially have this feeling over and over again.

Clearly, I’m on this post with my feelings all hurt, so I apparently have my answer, which is no. Lol

RuyLopez · 56-60, M

Extraordinarily inconsiderate and selfish of him. Not to mention if you are that sick he should stay home and take care of you. He sounds ridiculously immature and thoughtless. If a man takes on the role of a husband he should act like one. You need to address this behaviour with him. You will grow to hate him if you don't. You can try to ignore hurt and resentment but it is always there below the surface until you deal with it.

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@RuyLopez I wasn’t so sick this time that I would’ve expected him to stay home, but this isn’t the first time he’s shown no hesitation in moving forward with his life and plans when I wasn’t okay, and that’s the biggest issue to me ☹️

RuyLopez · 56-60, M

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 I understand you might not have been on your deathbed, however, you were still sick. I think if he loves you he should have wanted to stay with you. Given your financial constraints, a caring person, that enjoys and desires your companionship, would have rather sold both tickets and bought some for another concert you want to see together.

looping · 18-21

yeah i'd dump his ass personally

hartfire

When I'm ill it's obvious. No one would need to ask.
Plus I wouldn't want to risk infecting others.
He and I usually have at least a whole day together each weekend to do something enjoyable,
so it wouldn't be like we were missing out on time together.
I wouldn't be jealous because, although my husband has lots of women friends, none find him sexually attractive. (He's 5'2'' tall, hunch backed, 75 yrs old & the wind has trouble filling his flag.)
I'd have been happy that he had company to share the concert, and relieved that I could stay home alone in peace.
Yes, it's wonderful to listen to one's favourite music live, feel the atmosphere, and see what the musos are like without all the engineering and perfection of a recording. But another opportunity to see them will come again some day.
~
I'd be more concerned about the gambling. If it's an addiction then you'd be powerless to prevent him. If he risks financial ruin, I'd set up a separate bank account and begin to save 10% of each paypack in case it ever comes to a break up.

Kstrong · 56-60, F

Shows where his priorities are, actions speak louder than words

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@Kstrong that’s the real issue. That’s why I feel so unsettled.

WhateverWorks · 36-40

I get feeling disappointed and jealous you got sick while he didn’t. Those seem like natural feelings. Me personally? I think it’s important in a relationship for people to still do things on their own, not just with their partner. I would’ve told my partner to go without me and take a friend. Sucks missing out, but I wouldn’t want them to miss out because I had to rest. We’ll go do something together some other time.

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1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@WhateverWorks it absolutely relates to a bigger issue, even though I’m also legitimately sad I missed out on something I’ve been looking forward to

HootyTheNightOwl

@WhateverWorks Directly jumping in with an assumption isn't the right approach, though - it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong - it wouldn't hurt to take your lead from the person who is suffering... for no other reason that you're showing that you care and you value their opinion on what steps you should be taking.

The ticket was OP's and the final decision should have been hers to take, even if she ultimately agreed with her husband's assessment of the situation. Only children need to have decisions made on their behalf.

WhateverWorks · 36-40

@HootyTheNightOwl 🤷🏻‍♀️ The final decision was hers to make. All he did was state his observation and an idea of what they should do. He didn’t sell the ticket without talking to her first.

I don’t know… in my relationship just because my partner opens up with an observation and proposed course of action based on that, isn’t him telling me what to do, or making the decision for me. It’s not necessary to prime me for the needed convo. It’s probably one of those ‘different relationships have different dynamics/communication styles’ though. Maybe in their relationship there’s an Unaddressed pattern not disclosed in the OP where when he makes a statement the decision is essentially made regardless of her input, not a dialogue about the matter at hand.

Like I said before, I don’t have any intentions of fishing for more information from the OP. She asked “Would you feel hurt or no?” and I explained why I personally wouldn’t be hurt by such an isolated incident —- unless it’s not isolated, but that’s none of my business to pry into lol...

stound

if its such a hard need, why isn't he selling his instead of yours?

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@stound because he still wanted to be able to go himself and enjoy it

stound

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 it just seems like he should give up his own before yours

Ontheroad · M

Yep, I would feel hurt. Not cool or caring on his part, not at all.

Ghostinthemachine · M

How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

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Ghostinthemachine · M

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 I think you should, give him a taste of his own medicine

Don’t worry, one day you will be rich and can go to any concerts you wish!

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@Ghostinthemachine 😉 okay okay. That one made me laugh lol

Ghostinthemachine · M

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 Then the day is better already

Spoiledbrat · F

Are you guys hurting for money or something? Maybe he is under the gun.

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Spoiledbrat · F

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 He could have offered to stay home with you. That's what a good partner would do.

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@Spoiledbrat that’s what I would’ve hoped for. 🥲 And then I would’ve been like “absolutely not, please still go”, and went on with my life knowing my partner cares how I feel and is affected by what goes on in my life.

Spoiledbrat · F

I understand @1dayiWILLbRICH0

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

....he lost the money.
I reckon he lost the money on his bet and that's why it was an issue.

Maybe he sold the tickets

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@Picklebobble2 either way, its not feeling great on my end. 😔

CactusJackManson · 46-50, M

Can you afford a divorce lawyer?

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LadyGrace · 70-79

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 if he is abusive to you and you have considered divorce, don't forget, you can hire free attorneys through legal aid. God does not expect us to stay in abusive situations.

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@LadyGrace he’s not abusive, he used to be mentally abusive but has gotten a lot better. Now Im more so just dealing with wondering how much I really matter or how affected he really is by the things that happen to me.

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SW-User

Not a good sign. Since he was so quick to sell the ticket right out from under you, I wonder if maybe he DID lose that $150 after all, and lied to you about the game. Also, replacing you quickly looks as if he never intended to go with you anyway. Something similar happened to me with my ex... I can't help but see the pattern.

4meAndyou · F

If you needed the money THAT much he should have sold both of the tickets. The fact that he replaced you and went with a friend, while you were home sick, and SICK with jealousy and longing to go, strikes me as cold and insensitive.

SimplyLogicalDiscipline · 36-40, F

He is mean

carpediem · 61-69, M

If the scenario was reversed and he was sick, would you stay home with him or go?

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1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@carpediem you’re right. I’m gonna do that, but there’s still a feeling somewhere deep inside me that doesn’t believe he is affected by things that happen to me. It’s unsettling. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but the emotion isn’t a good one.

LadyGrace · 70-79

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 don't listen to naysayers. Listen to your gut. You know how you feel and no one should put you down for it because they don't have to live in your shoes

carpediem · 61-69, M

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 If something is bugging you, find a good way to get the message across. Just don't start an argument over it. It's all about good communication

ArtieKat · M

You should have just told him - in no uncertain terms - that you had been looking forward to this and you WERE well enough to go.

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@ArtieKat I told him to give me 15 minutes and that I’d let him know after I took Tylenol cold, how I felt. But because he was snippety to me about the money thing, and needing to sell it ASAP, (even though I was contributing to the ticket lol), I just ended up telling him “you know what? you just do what you want to do”. And that’s what he did.

LadyGrace · 70-79

@1dayiWILLbRICH0 and IF he is a controlling person, he knew that's what you would do

noexpectations1 · 41-45, M

I hate to be the devil's advocate, but there's 3 sides to every story! Yours, his, and the truth!!

WaryWitchWandering · 36-40, F

Sounds like my husband

1dayiWILLbRICH0 · 31-35, F

@WaryWitchWandering I hate that for us 😔💕

Slothy

I would be upset.

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