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Is it ok to snoop in partner’s phone

If you [b]DO[/b] find something [b]NOT[/b] cheating.
Asking cuz I did something real bad. I feel very guilty for it and my boyfriend and I talked about it. I did not play victim and was accountable for my mistakes and will try to do better.
Thing is he discovered it while snooping in my phone, and going WAY farther than the issue he was looking for.

For a lil context:
He is my friend’s ex (from +10 years ago). And it’s still too early to tell her (legit just started dating and idk if serious or not). And she learned about it in the WORST possible way (someone else completely told her). When she told me about it, she started the conversation with «I know you would neeeever omg ppl be inventing stuff». Which made me completely panic and I started basically dissing the poor guy who had not asked for anything.
It was really mean of me. But I know my friend since YEARS. She would NEVER let that conversation slip. I felt bad for trash talking someone I like but I [b]DID[/b] stomp the issue until at least few months when I tell her we are serious.


I know I objectively did worse and it wasn’t nice of me but I can’t help but feel very bad about HOW he came to know.
He told me he only searched for things concerning his name but still…I talked about money issues and stuff that I didn’t want to talk to him about…
And I don’t even know how MUCH he read in my convos…I feel very embarrassed about some private conversations…
akindheart · 61-69, F
If you are stooping to snoop something is wrong in the relationship
redredred · M
Absolutely not okay. It’s a horrible violation of personal privacy. I would see it valid grounds for a break up.
BloodyArwin · 22-25, F
@redredred yeah but what if I did do something bad ? It wasn’t very nice of me
exexec · 61-69, C
No. I learned my lesson when my wife let me read her diary from our dating days in high school. After our first kiss, she wrote that I was a terrible kisser. I stopped reading after than and have not wanted to pry into her phone, either.
@exexec Lol, there's always the possibility that you won't like what you find, either.

Still, you must have had other qualities going for you because she still married you... 🤣🤣🤣
exexec · 61-69, C
@HootyTheNightOwl We dated almost eight years, so she had a lot of time to teach me how to kiss, and we practiced a lot.
Quimliqer · 70-79, M
It’s about trust. I don’t ask my wife for her phone as it’s hers and I trust her. If she’s doing something she’s accountable, it’s not my problem.
DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F
I have never and will never violate my partner's privacy like that.
Scribbles · 36-40, F
I've never snooped in a partner's phone and never wanted to. That's their business. I either trust the person, or I don't, you know? And you have a conversation about it, rather then snoop.

I personally wouldn't mind if my partner looked at everything on my phone one day (Which I could see maybe happening if I were to die one day before my partner and he needed to idk, have something to hold and might look through messages and photos and stuff, to ease the loss. He might even be tempted to look at everything i have on SW. idk), there is nothing I have to hide. Perhaps a few friends of mine would feel embarrassed, because they have talked to me about private stuff that is their story to tell. But that's about it.

I'm pretty fucking boring.
-no torrid affairs, or flirting, no drama. etc.
Why are you snooping each others phones??? Have you never heard of privacy???

I'm sorry, but if I was in a "relationship" where phone snooping even came up in discussion, I would be out of there. You either trust them or you don't - and if you don't trust them, why are you in a relationship with them???

Keep in mind that, should any relationship turn out to be toxic, in normalising phone snooping, you're further limiting your options when it comes to getting help.
Nope not doin that. I don’t want it done to me and I ain’t doin it to another.
I haven’t and I won’t ever….

But it’s good that you took responsibility for what you did…
ddmagnum · 31-35, M
Im gonna have to agree with the comments on this one, if you already have a suspicion that something is wrong, it probably is. There is no relationship without trust and you have already shown you dont trust him, i would suggest breaking it off if it is this early and there are trust issues.
BloodyArwin · 22-25, F
But isn’t it sort of MY fault.
I talked shit and got karma’Ed no ? @ddmagnum
ddmagnum · 31-35, M
@BloodyArwin unpopular opinion but no, i believe if you are in a relationship there should be transparency, if he is unwilling to show his phone he is the wrong one, dont be a victim of stayong for convenience, ive done that and its fucking ridiculous
Funlov · M
Never if it comes to that somethings wrong 🤔
AlchemyFox · 36-40, F
Sounds like a mess.
BloodyArwin · 22-25, F
You’ve no idea 🥲@AlchemyFox
Trekker · 51-55, M
It's a matter of trust. Breaking that trust can harm a relationship, and it can be difficult to recover from.

Every relationship is different though. I know couples who routinely give each other access to their phones and computers as a way of building trust.
TeirdalinFirefall · 31-35, M
That relationship is over.
Ynotisay · M
Is it wrong? Yeah. It's wrong in many ways. But it could be right in one way.
Neither of you are in touch with trust and that's pretty much a guarantee that your relationship will fail. I'd get out now to save time.
Northwest · M
No need to read the whole story. It's never OK to snoop. If you feel the need to, then the relationship is in trouble, and you need to discuss it, or find help to figure what's triggering you. No matter what that is.
SlaveEt · 36-40, F
Honesty, transparency, communication and personal responsibility will get you far in building a strong relationship, be it romantic or otherwise. Might keep that in mind in the future.
Freeranger · M
Aside from the obvious point of breaking someone's trust, a quote;
[i]"don't go looking for anything you're not prepared to find..."[/i]

Personally, I detest a snoop
JPWhoo · 36-40, MVIP
I read the whole post, and I’m very confused about what happened.
Anielka · F
So he was your friend's ex when she was like 12 ?
ViciDraco · 36-40, M
It's possible for both people to be in the wrong. And one wrong does not justify another one. It sounds like you have trust issues all over the place. You don't trust your friend with the fact that you are dating her ex. Your boyfriend doesn't trust you and goes snooping in your phone. There is no innocent party here. The relationship is presently in a bad place.

Not sure if this can all be fixed, but the process to doing so is to get away from the lies. Be honest with your friend and your boyfriend. Keep the lines of communication open. If they cannot deal with that then that is the result of the damage done. But by maintaining an honest relationship with others going forward you can prevent falling into this same trap in the future.
caccoon · 36-40
It's never worth it. If you're at the point you wanna do that then it's over (in my experience)

 
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