Liberals Devastated As Stock Market Recovers

Local stockbroker and lifelong Democrat Dean Watter fell into utter despair today, tears falling from his eyes as he watched the stock market recover.

Friends and relatives expressed deep concern about Watter's anguish. "He had been so happy the last couple of days as the stock market was crashing," his coworker Steve Carson noted. "He was truly on cloud nine. He kept saying that Trump tanking the economy was probably the single greatest thing that ever happened to him."

However, as the stock market rallied historically on Wednesday, Watter's mood turned sour. "It was like someone flipped a light switch," Carson noted. "He kept looking at the stock market ticker going up and up, and he just kept sobbing harder and harder. There was no consoling him."

Watter reportedly went up to the roof to get some air but ended up hurling himself off the building shortly thereafter. Sources say Watter yelled "TRUMP WAS RIGHT! I'VE LOST EVERYTHIIIIIIIIIIIIING," as he plummeted towards Wall Street.

In a stroke of good fortune, Watter landed softly on a shipment of MyPillows bound for Trump Tower. Upon realizing he owed his life to Trump supporter Mike Lindell, Watter apparently became even more distraught and had to be sedated at the scene.

SatanBurger · 36-40, F

Haha it's tanking. But I'd love for the market not to crash, I dunno why you write this stuff when it's not accurate.

ElwoodBlues · M

@sunsporter1649 Oh, look, some annualized returns! Did you even realize that those aren't index prices?? Hint: prices are denominated in dollars, or points, not percent.

AlanAPartridge · M

Ah yes, the stock market's recovered—quick, someone fetch the bunting and the graph! Meanwhile, my ISA’s flatter than a pancake in a trouser press 😒

A stockbroker lands on a truck full of pillows? That’s not an economic miracle, that’s a deleted scene from Final Destination 6: Wall Street Wipeout. Not funny, not helpful, and quite frankly, a waste of soft furnishings.

I’ve slept on a MyPillow—it's like resting your head on a sponge soaked in broken dreams....