Anxious
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Kinda a fight

I guess I wouldn't call it a fight but he was annoyed with me this morning.

Before he left for work he asked

Hey why do you always make sure the kids and I have there sensory bags, iPad, extra clothes snacks drinks before we go out but you don't bring one thing to help yourself. I could be wrong but I think maybe if you wore sunglasses in the hospital, or if you had air pods on to listen to music to help calm you down your tics wouldn't of been so bad. Maybe you need a sensory bag.

He really didn't give me time to answer.
He said Just think about it, I love you, I'll see you in a few hours.

But he's right. I just never thought of that before.

So today to help prepare for house hunting I have my air pods in my pocket and I took half a anxiety pill.
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It's not a fight... he's just trying to help you to see that you're just as important as everyone else - and, maybe having your own sensory bag would have helped in that situation.

If nothing else, you might have felt reassured to just have items that you might have used with you - even if you didn't actually physically use them in the moment.

The reason why Joel didn't give you time to answer is because it doesn't need a verbal answer. He will see his answer in how you might change going forward from here... and how you start to think about yourself just as much as you think about everyone else.

In this case, the saying "Actions speak louder than words" comes to mind - because he's wanting you to do something rather than saying something. Maybe you could have a think about what you might put in your sensory bag and gather them together??? If you keep it as fully stocked as possible, you'll only need to add snacks, drinks and last minute items.
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@HootyTheNightOwl well we had a talk last night and I told him I was going to try to work on this. He apologized to me and said that he shouldn't put this all on me. He knows my issues and struggles so he said he was going to make sure I have what I need. I'm not use to someone looking out for me. It's nice and scary at the same time.
@Cigarguy101 I was wondering myself why Joel didn't at least try to gather a few bits together for you???

I mean, sure he might get a few items wrong, but he could have taken an educated guess and laid them out on your bed before asking you if these are the things you would want in your sensory bag - the worst you might do is swap a few things out.

In one way, it might help you to have someone taking care of you in some ways... even if it scares you and causes a little anxiety to start with. Not only do you get some help to see that your own needs are met but it can help you to see that you are just as worthy, too - and having the support of your man behind you can only be positive.
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@HootyTheNightOwl I think he was frustrated at the time and he's still not feeling great. It was a lot in 24 hours. He was worried about his son. Plus he works a lot so I'm the one that gets this stuff ready.

He almost lost him a year ago. So it was a lot and he really didn't get time to decompress at all that because me that night. He's not sleeping good either. So yeah he said it was unfair of him to put all this on me. I think he just wants to care about myself too.
You might be co-dependent - as in caring more for others than yourself.
ONLY you can decide.

Codependence is a result of growing up in a family where one of the close relatives is an addict of some kind. Addiction creates chaos and forces everyone close by into adaptive coping behaviours.

If you recognise 13 or more of the following traits in yourself then you might be co-dependent AND if the tendencies are so strong that they interfere with your personal growth and negatively impact your relationships.
(However, there can be other explanations for the same traits.)

If you decide that you're Co-Dependent, you might like to try Melody Beattie's book, "Co-Dependent No More" and theandbook that gores with it. I found it very helpful.

The following is copied from CoDA Twelve Steps:

[c=008099]Codependents often...
Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling
Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well- being of others
Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
Label others with their negative traits.
Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

Have difficulty making decisions.
Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
Value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.
Have difficulty admitting a mistake.
Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.
Perceive themselves as superior to others.
Look to others to provide their sense of safety.
Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
Accept sexual attention when they want love.
Make decisions without regard to the consequences.
Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
Attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
Freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
Demand that their needs be met by others.
Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.
Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
Pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
Judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.
Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
Withhold expressions of appreciation.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
Yes imagine you are the car that run the kids to doctor or school or , anyone else who needs something. But if you, as the car , has a tank on E, how are you going to help the kids or anyone? (Including yourself)? I'm trying to learn this too because some like us believe we don't deserve basic human needs.

But would we say to any other fallible human we know, You don't deserve food, you don't deserve love etc, for little minor things?? I'd never think that about anyone .yet our minds were DISTORTED from abuse, now believing just WE don't deserve basic things. I think when we can see the distortion is when we can start to change things.
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@Coralmist I know I hear this a lot, like I said though I get so hyper focused on making sure everyone else has what they need I forget about what I need.
I love that he is looking out for you and to better help you also. You have a good partner.
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@MyMonstersAreReal he told me if I'm not going to take care of myself than he will. I think I should be worried now lol
4meAndyou · F
Isn't it nice to have someone who CARES about you just as much as you care about your kids? ☺☺☺
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@4meAndyou yes it is
He loves you and doesn't want you to suffer . 💛
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@SpiritSkye I don't know why, I'm a mess and don't deserve him
I’d call it more of a reality check than a fight. 🙂
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@OlderSometimesWiser yeah you are right and it was. We had a good talk last and he apologized to me for this morning. He said if I wasn't going to talk a care of myself he will just have to do. I'm a little afraid now lol. Not really but I just get so hyper focused on everyone else's needs I forget about myself
Poppies · 61-69, F
It's worth a try!
YoMomma · 41-45
Not really a fight more like an outburst maybe or just an observation?
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
@YoMomma it was and it was al good one

 
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