Am I a bad person?

I want to hurt people.
I've never acted on these thoughts. Of course not. It'd be idiotic to do so.
But the thoughts of just grabbing the first item I see and stabbing or hitting someone with it have been growing more and more frequent. Does that make me a danger to those around me? It's like intrusive thoughts, I suppose, so I may just be overreacting. But it still worries me how the urges apply even to those close around me. I just want to hurt something.

I went through a pretty bad SH period. I never knew why. I just had the urge to grab the knife and do it, so I did. I think I know now. The action of hurting someone was.. enjoyable. Even if it was myself.

I'm healing now. I'm a couple months clean. I don't want to do it again.
But the thoughts worry me. And I don't know what to do.
Do I need help? A therapist? An asylum, even?

I'd be lying if I said I haven't hurt someone before.
It wasn't serious. Just a kick. I was seven at the time, so of course I had done such a reckless action.
I was playfighting with two kids. I can't remember their relation to me. Friends? Family members?
One of them told me to just go ahead. He wouldn't get hurt. Me, being an idiot, did so.
And yes, it did hurt him.

I did feel guilty. That's good, right?
But I only felt guilty after I felt fear of getting in trouble. So I just hid in my room. I don't know if the adults found out what happened. I mean, I didn't exactly get yelled at or anything. It was never brought up.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I just don't feel safe telling anyone I know in real life.
I don't want to lose my friends. I hate to admit it, but I'm quite attached to the people I care about. Perhaps to an unhealthy extent.

But if someone could help me understand these thoughts, these urges, maybe reassure me that I'm just overreacting, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time to read everything, stranger.

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PinkMoon · 26-30, F

Firstly I'd like to commend you for sharing this because it is not easy to talk about these urges,even if it is anonymously online. I think that going to a therapist would be the best way to navigate these feelings. A professional won't judge you,they'll guide you. They will however snitch if you confess to crimes so in case it doesn't work and you go full serial killer mode just keep that to yourself 😂. Jokes aside I don't think that having these urges makes you a bad person if you don't act on them. You clearly don't want to feel how you do, you're burdened and that's a good indication that you can overcome this psychological problem. I used to be emotionally abusive but I went to years of therapy and now I'm completely healed from that pattern of behaviour. We are not our feelings,we are our decisions. Sharing this shows that you are on the right path. Now you need someone who has the map to help you get to your desired destination.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@PinkMoon same. I ask how it makes them feel, because it might be what I think it is. I have OCD, I have had harm obsessions.

Myriad · C

@PinkMoon Thank you. I really needed these words. I honestly thought I was going to be ridiculed, haha.

I'm glad that you're doing well :)

EarthlingWise

It sounds like there's some pain in you that can't be expressed in words, and that you are acting out. Maybe you tried to reach out to some parental figure earlier but couldn't, I'm not saying it's anybody's fault, sometimes communication is just tough.
I agree with Bijoux, someone with more expertise than us could help you disentangle this.

Myriad · C

@EarthlingWise I am a witness of verbal domestic violence, so perhaps you are right in not being able to reach out. My parents were absent most of my childhood so I just hid in my room.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Honestly, knowing there's people out there who care makes me feel better.
I've been working on getting a counsellor for a while, but they've never really considered my situation serious. Apparently self harm is so common nowadays that it isn't seen as that bad.
I'm worried to tell people I know about my situation, though. I mean, I'm getting there. If I can get over my anxiety, haha.

Sorry, I kind of did a mini rant there. I guess it's just my way of adding on to the story? I don't know, that's how I communicate.

EarthlingWise

@Myriad You sound like a nice, intelligent person. Anxiety can feel like it's eating you up, but it's a trick of the mind. We can find some peaceful moments. Music helps me unwind.
This place can't deliver answers to all our worries all the time but sometimes it is helpful , partly because it can be easier to talk to strangers, or at least people not living with us.

Myriad · C

@EarthlingWise Thank you. God (or whoever you believe in) bless, if you're religious. If you're not, then.. well.. life bless, I guess. Haha.

The same goes to you. You seem like a nice and intelligent individual as well.

HijabaDabbaDoo · F

What do your thoughts comprise of and what stops you?

Anxiety can be manifested in so many ways. I've read some of your other comments. Growing up around verbal abuse can evoke intrusive thoughts. The distress you're expressing is perhaps not from an actual desire to cause harm but rather from the fear of being capable of causing harm. Kinda like expecting yourself to fall into the same patterns people around you did. Your thoughts however are not final.

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bijouxbroussard · F

You should try very, very hard to get help, seriously. If you’ve already hurt people, you’re a danger. And you risk really harming someone, and possibly going to prison, with life-changing consequences. It’s not something to take lightly. Others are praising you for being honest, so in that spirit I believe you and am being equally candid. Get counseling. 🥺

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bijouxbroussard · F

@basilfawlty89 Sorry, but I can see it from the side of someone who doesn’t like hurting people but has encountered those who, for whatever reason, do.

If you’re that self-aware, which is a good thing, the next step is to seek help.

Myriad · C

@bijouxbroussard Thank you ❤
I'm working on getting a counsellor.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@bijouxbroussard I understand.
I come from a family where domestic abuse occurred.
I also know my own disorder though.
The prevailing opinion of psychiatrists and clinical psychologists is that if it's OCD, the probably of someone acting on intrusive violent thoughts is virtually nil.

I really recommend people learn more about OCD. It's not all hand washing and cleaning.

bowman81 · M

Please seek professional help before you do serious harm to yourself or anybody else. Hurting another could result in your imprisonment in addition to whatever harm you do to someone else.

Noone here or online can give you the kind of help that you know you need. As difficult as it is to talk about your issues with anyone else it will be even harder if you lose control and seriously hurt someone.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

How do these thoughts of violence make you feel?

Myriad · C

@basilfawlty89 Guilty, I suppose. I don't want to hurt others, but at the same time I do? It's kind of like there's two people at once inside of my mind. One that wants to harm and one that doesn't.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@Myriad if it makes you guilty, anxious, and/or ashamed, it could be OCD or something related.

Myriad · C

@basilfawlty89 Thank you. I am working on getting a diagnosis, as me and many others believe I am neurodivergent in some way. Unfortunately, I do have to wait two years to actually see a psychologist. (which I personally find kind of irrational, since there isn't exactly a long wait list)

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