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Mildly AdultAnxious
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Am I a bad person?

I want to hurt people.
I've never acted on these thoughts. Of course not. It'd be idiotic to do so.
But the thoughts of just grabbing the first item I see and stabbing or hitting someone with it have been growing more and more frequent. Does that make me a danger to those around me? It's like intrusive thoughts, I suppose, so I may just be overreacting. But it still worries me how the urges apply even to those close around me. I just want to hurt something.

I went through a pretty bad SH period. I never knew why. I just had the urge to grab the knife and do it, so I did. I think I know now. The action of hurting someone was.. enjoyable. Even if it was myself.

I'm healing now. I'm a couple months clean. I don't want to do it again.
But the thoughts worry me. And I don't know what to do.
Do I need help? A therapist? An asylum, even?

I'd be lying if I said I haven't hurt someone before.
It wasn't serious. Just a kick. I was seven at the time, so of course I had done such a reckless action.
I was playfighting with two kids. I can't remember their relation to me. Friends? Family members?
One of them told me to just go ahead. He wouldn't get hurt. Me, being an idiot, did so.
And yes, it did hurt him.

I did feel guilty. That's good, right?
But I only felt guilty after I felt fear of getting in trouble. So I just hid in my room. I don't know if the adults found out what happened. I mean, I didn't exactly get yelled at or anything. It was never brought up.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I just don't feel safe telling anyone I know in real life.
I don't want to lose my friends. I hate to admit it, but I'm quite attached to the people I care about. Perhaps to an unhealthy extent.

But if someone could help me understand these thoughts, these urges, maybe reassure me that I'm just overreacting, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time to read everything, stranger.
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PinkMoon · 26-30, F
Firstly I'd like to commend you for sharing this because it is not easy to talk about these urges,even if it is anonymously online. I think that going to a therapist would be the best way to navigate these feelings. A professional won't judge you,they'll guide you. They will however snitch if you confess to crimes so in case it doesn't work and you go full serial killer mode just keep that to yourself 😂. Jokes aside I don't think that having these urges makes you a bad person if you don't act on them. You clearly don't want to feel how you do, you're burdened and that's a good indication that you can overcome this psychological problem. I used to be emotionally abusive but I went to years of therapy and now I'm completely healed from that pattern of behaviour. We are not our feelings,we are our decisions. Sharing this shows that you are on the right path. Now you need someone who has the map to help you get to your desired destination.
basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M
@PinkMoon same. I ask how it makes them feel, because it might be what I think it is. I have OCD, I have had harm obsessions.
Myriad · C
@PinkMoon Thank you. I really needed these words. I honestly thought I was going to be ridiculed, haha.

I'm glad that you're doing well :)