This post may contain Mildly Adult content.
Mildly AdultAnxious
Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

Am I a bad person?

I want to hurt people.
I've never acted on these thoughts. Of course not. It'd be idiotic to do so.
But the thoughts of just grabbing the first item I see and stabbing or hitting someone with it have been growing more and more frequent. Does that make me a danger to those around me? It's like intrusive thoughts, I suppose, so I may just be overreacting. But it still worries me how the urges apply even to those close around me. I just want to hurt something.

I went through a pretty bad SH period. I never knew why. I just had the urge to grab the knife and do it, so I did. I think I know now. The action of hurting someone was.. enjoyable. Even if it was myself.

I'm healing now. I'm a couple months clean. I don't want to do it again.
But the thoughts worry me. And I don't know what to do.
Do I need help? A therapist? An asylum, even?

I'd be lying if I said I haven't hurt someone before.
It wasn't serious. Just a kick. I was seven at the time, so of course I had done such a reckless action.
I was playfighting with two kids. I can't remember their relation to me. Friends? Family members?
One of them told me to just go ahead. He wouldn't get hurt. Me, being an idiot, did so.
And yes, it did hurt him.

I did feel guilty. That's good, right?
But I only felt guilty after I felt fear of getting in trouble. So I just hid in my room. I don't know if the adults found out what happened. I mean, I didn't exactly get yelled at or anything. It was never brought up.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I just don't feel safe telling anyone I know in real life.
I don't want to lose my friends. I hate to admit it, but I'm quite attached to the people I care about. Perhaps to an unhealthy extent.

But if someone could help me understand these thoughts, these urges, maybe reassure me that I'm just overreacting, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time to read everything, stranger.
This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »
basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M
How do these thoughts of violence make you feel?
Myriad · C
@basilfawlty89 Guilty, I suppose. I don't want to hurt others, but at the same time I do? It's kind of like there's two people at once inside of my mind. One that wants to harm and one that doesn't.
basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M
@Myriad if it makes you guilty, anxious, and/or ashamed, it could be OCD or something related.
Myriad · C
@basilfawlty89 Thank you. I am working on getting a diagnosis, as me and many others believe I am neurodivergent in some way. Unfortunately, I do have to wait two years to actually see a psychologist. (which I personally find kind of irrational, since there isn't exactly a long wait list)