Am I a bad person?

I want to hurt people.
I've never acted on these thoughts. Of course not. It'd be idiotic to do so.
But the thoughts of just grabbing the first item I see and stabbing or hitting someone with it have been growing more and more frequent. Does that make me a danger to those around me? It's like intrusive thoughts, I suppose, so I may just be overreacting. But it still worries me how the urges apply even to those close around me. I just want to hurt something.

I went through a pretty bad SH period. I never knew why. I just had the urge to grab the knife and do it, so I did. I think I know now. The action of hurting someone was.. enjoyable. Even if it was myself.

I'm healing now. I'm a couple months clean. I don't want to do it again.
But the thoughts worry me. And I don't know what to do.
Do I need help? A therapist? An asylum, even?

I'd be lying if I said I haven't hurt someone before.
It wasn't serious. Just a kick. I was seven at the time, so of course I had done such a reckless action.
I was playfighting with two kids. I can't remember their relation to me. Friends? Family members?
One of them told me to just go ahead. He wouldn't get hurt. Me, being an idiot, did so.
And yes, it did hurt him.

I did feel guilty. That's good, right?
But I only felt guilty after I felt fear of getting in trouble. So I just hid in my room. I don't know if the adults found out what happened. I mean, I didn't exactly get yelled at or anything. It was never brought up.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I just don't feel safe telling anyone I know in real life.
I don't want to lose my friends. I hate to admit it, but I'm quite attached to the people I care about. Perhaps to an unhealthy extent.

But if someone could help me understand these thoughts, these urges, maybe reassure me that I'm just overreacting, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time to read everything, stranger.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

EarthlingWise

It sounds like there's some pain in you that can't be expressed in words, and that you are acting out. Maybe you tried to reach out to some parental figure earlier but couldn't, I'm not saying it's anybody's fault, sometimes communication is just tough.
I agree with Bijoux, someone with more expertise than us could help you disentangle this.

Myriad · C

@EarthlingWise I am a witness of verbal domestic violence, so perhaps you are right in not being able to reach out. My parents were absent most of my childhood so I just hid in my room.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Honestly, knowing there's people out there who care makes me feel better.
I've been working on getting a counsellor for a while, but they've never really considered my situation serious. Apparently self harm is so common nowadays that it isn't seen as that bad.
I'm worried to tell people I know about my situation, though. I mean, I'm getting there. If I can get over my anxiety, haha.

Sorry, I kind of did a mini rant there. I guess it's just my way of adding on to the story? I don't know, that's how I communicate.

EarthlingWise

@Myriad You sound like a nice, intelligent person. Anxiety can feel like it's eating you up, but it's a trick of the mind. We can find some peaceful moments. Music helps me unwind.
This place can't deliver answers to all our worries all the time but sometimes it is helpful , partly because it can be easier to talk to strangers, or at least people not living with us.

Myriad · C

@EarthlingWise Thank you. God (or whoever you believe in) bless, if you're religious. If you're not, then.. well.. life bless, I guess. Haha.

The same goes to you. You seem like a nice and intelligent individual as well.