I Am Depressed

I should have jumped. If only the blade was sharper when I tried. Why did I fail. Why do I have to live in this hell I call life. Why is death the only happy thought. Why am I here. Why can’t I just fall asleep and never wake up. The new year approaches meaning another year of hell. Of being alone. And losing hope and faith. Maybe I’ll die, maybe, that’s my hope and what brings me joy.

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ElPhonse · M

I have the same exact thpughts every single day. This very month, 3 yrs ago I had the best job of my life (As an ER Tech I drew blood, did ekgs, had tons of women around me, friends, respect and did great work helping people from death and disease). I had a wonderful wife (My best friend, lover and even drinking buddy of 21 years), my beautiful daughters are niw gone to live in the city and won't come back up to see me, I'm living alone in a big empty home surrounded with constant memories. I don't know who I am. I don't like who I am. Drank heavily and it didn't help. Oh, and im 56 and can't spend Valentine's day (wedding anniversary), April 23rd (the day we met in 1993), I can't listen to "Copacabana" disco song by an older dude named Barry Manilow because it's a song about two lovers who met "At the Copa" that ends tragically when he dies. I cant be alone on my birthday in July because I don't want anymore birthdays after she left me (no one to care or to celebrate with). Halloweens were once a big deal for us and the kid's. I cant be alone on her birthday in November (always another special day for us always). I still have health but who wants to live with no purpose or loved ones to be woth at night ? And its so hard to be thankful at Thanksgiving, Christmas has little joy (God forgive me) and im in canada with family to keep from beimg alone but its not the family my exwife and I created (And do I really look forward to another year of the same ?).Can't be alone then either. So i had to drive to Massachussets every year to keep from being alone and unsafe. I've lost my job, my wife, my marriage, my daughters, my purpose in life is gone. Who am I now ? So iwhy are you depressed ? Could you share ?

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ElPhonse · M

A but check this out smitha,... If I had died at your age range I would have died a virgin. I was a late bloomer. Believe it or not, I eventually met women and discovered that my exact looks were (though I'm not and never was handsome), were exactly what drew some women to me. They liked and some loved me. I was always in shock when any woman wanted me and they did see something that they wanted or needed in me. You maynot have had this yet in your life, but it IS headed your way. I also would never have even had a wife or daughters or a son, had I died at your age. Your early difficulties in life (like mine), have prepared you to enjoy even more, the love that is headed your way. It may not come to you because you are a tough macho hero type, or a smooth ladies man type, or a brad Pitt looking dude either. Dude, I didn't believe it either but take it from me, there ARE some good things coming that you WILL enjoy.

17smitha · 22-25, M

@ElPhonse thank you! You’re one of the first people I have truly identified with in a way. It gives me a glimmer of hope. Thank you

ElPhonse · M

Yes. It makes me feel good to be able to pass on some hope. Maybe someone my age can tell me about good things he would have missed out on had he ended his life at around 56 yrs old. I wish I could believe in that for a non-Brad Pitt looking divorcee,... and before I forget, prayer does help. I've seen God remove obstacles that seemed IMMOVABLE and wondered (flabbergasted and without a clue), HOW the heck did that happen ? Ok, quick story,...
I was having an affair with a married woman and her husband heard me going up some CREAKY azz stairs after almost seeing me kiss her goodnight. At the door to the apartment building roof I saw a yound kid (her next dorr neighbors son) smoking pot. I begged him not to tell him I was up there. Her husband looked like a Russian KGB agent and was built like one. He could bend steel bars with his bare hands. While I cowered at the farthest point in the roof from the door, I could see through a glass roof panel that he stopped to talk to the young kid. I had pulled out a small bible and read psalm. Cant remember which but it was about Gods protection. Amazingly, whatever the young kid told him was enough to make him go back down. I was about 120 feet above the cold concrete fearing he'd throw me over and i didnt know how to even fight. ONLY Gods intervention could have saved my life. And what would have happened if he had decided NOT to go smoke at just the right time ? I wouldn't have been alive to be here to read hour msgs. Prayer and submission to God got me down from that roof alive, rather than nust being in a short TV newsclip and newspaper article.

Enchanted · 56-60, F

Do your good friends know what you want to do? Reach out in your community for help with these thoughts.

DanielChristensen · 46-50, M

Please look into counseling. It can give you perspective and tools to navigate your feelings

ElPhonse · M

@DanielChristensen thanks Daniel. My ex-wife actually paid for alot of couples therapy for both if us and even paid for a hypnotist for me. No use. I do have counseling now and it has helped keep me alive.

badass · 18-21, M

Buddy please do me this favor get help and that's coming from a 13 year old boy who don't want to see you die I just lost my cousin from cancer yesterday he was 13 years old same age as me so please please get help

Dusty101 · F

💚

SW-User

Please DON't!!! GET HELP!

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