I Am Depressed

I should have jumped. If only the blade was sharper when I tried. Why did I fail. Why do I have to live in this hell I call life. Why is death the only happy thought. Why am I here. Why can’t I just fall asleep and never wake up. The new year approaches meaning another year of hell. Of being alone. And losing hope and faith. Maybe I’ll die, maybe, that’s my hope and what brings me joy.

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ElPhonse · M

I have the same exact thpughts every single day. This very month, 3 yrs ago I had the best job of my life (As an ER Tech I drew blood, did ekgs, had tons of women around me, friends, respect and did great work helping people from death and disease). I had a wonderful wife (My best friend, lover and even drinking buddy of 21 years), my beautiful daughters are niw gone to live in the city and won't come back up to see me, I'm living alone in a big empty home surrounded with constant memories. I don't know who I am. I don't like who I am. Drank heavily and it didn't help. Oh, and im 56 and can't spend Valentine's day (wedding anniversary), April 23rd (the day we met in 1993), I can't listen to "Copacabana" disco song by an older dude named Barry Manilow because it's a song about two lovers who met "At the Copa" that ends tragically when he dies. I cant be alone on my birthday in July because I don't want anymore birthdays after she left me (no one to care or to celebrate with). Halloweens were once a big deal for us and the kid's. I cant be alone on her birthday in November (always another special day for us always). I still have health but who wants to live with no purpose or loved ones to be woth at night ? And its so hard to be thankful at Thanksgiving, Christmas has little joy (God forgive me) and im in canada with family to keep from beimg alone but its not the family my exwife and I created (And do I really look forward to another year of the same ?).Can't be alone then either. So i had to drive to Massachussets every year to keep from being alone and unsafe. I've lost my job, my wife, my marriage, my daughters, my purpose in life is gone. Who am I now ? So iwhy are you depressed ? Could you share ?

17smitha · 22-25, M

@ElPhonse divorced parents caused me to build walls. I isolated myself from social contact to protect myself from being hurt. As I got older, I realized how alone I was. My family doesn’t care, they use me in order to better their image but they have never told me they love me first or even asked if I was okay. I was bullied in school and had no friends. I started self harming to feel something in 8th grade. My junior year I tried to kill myself. I failed. I have major depression issues. Major trust issues. No hope. Nobody who cares. And I go through life alone. The only thing I find appealing in life is death. And I don’t know why. I give my all toaje sure others are happy and don’t get hurt yet I can’t be happy, nobody loves me, and I’m alone. This is the short version

ElPhonse · M

@17smitha yeah, I got the short end of the stick at home too. At 3 I was replaced by my sister who was my father's first daughter after having 3 boys. It's quite possible I was a dissapointment when I was born a boy. I was pushed aside and then replaced. I developed abandonment issues and i became a nerdy skinny little "four eyes" with my coke bottle glasses. No cool gold frames glasses or contacts till I was 18. I couldn't dance and was picked on constantly. Girls didn't like me much either. In high school just the mention of my name in a classroom of kids was a joke. I developed what was the beginnings of sex addiction, which caused me to lose my marriage and my life crumbled from there. I'm too old to get back what I lost. A new wife and family won't happen again for me ever. You are younger. You will have relationships. You will find someone. You can find the love you didn't get and create a family or a relationship the way you would have wanted to have one day. I'm praying for that now. I wish I had all the time you have left to correct the mistakes I made.

17smitha · 22-25, M

@ElPhonse Sounds similar to my childhood except the glasses and the skinny, I stress ate. I’m still a joke to people and have no clue how to have a relationship. I’m sorry for what you went through I’d give you what Years I have left if I could

ElPhonse · M

A but check this out smitha,... If I had died at your age range I would have died a virgin. I was a late bloomer. Believe it or not, I eventually met women and discovered that my exact looks were (though I'm not and never was handsome), were exactly what drew some women to me. They liked and some loved me. I was always in shock when any woman wanted me and they did see something that they wanted or needed in me. You maynot have had this yet in your life, but it IS headed your way. I also would never have even had a wife or daughters or a son, had I died at your age. Your early difficulties in life (like mine), have prepared you to enjoy even more, the love that is headed your way. It may not come to you because you are a tough macho hero type, or a smooth ladies man type, or a brad Pitt looking dude either. Dude, I didn't believe it either but take it from me, there ARE some good things coming that you WILL enjoy.

17smitha · 22-25, M

@ElPhonse thank you! You’re one of the first people I have truly identified with in a way. It gives me a glimmer of hope. Thank you

ElPhonse · M

Yes. It makes me feel good to be able to pass on some hope. Maybe someone my age can tell me about good things he would have missed out on had he ended his life at around 56 yrs old. I wish I could believe in that for a non-Brad Pitt looking divorcee,... and before I forget, prayer does help. I've seen God remove obstacles that seemed IMMOVABLE and wondered (flabbergasted and without a clue), HOW the heck did that happen ? Ok, quick story,...
I was having an affair with a married woman and her husband heard me going up some CREAKY azz stairs after almost seeing me kiss her goodnight. At the door to the apartment building roof I saw a yound kid (her next dorr neighbors son) smoking pot. I begged him not to tell him I was up there. Her husband looked like a Russian KGB agent and was built like one. He could bend steel bars with his bare hands. While I cowered at the farthest point in the roof from the door, I could see through a glass roof panel that he stopped to talk to the young kid. I had pulled out a small bible and read psalm. Cant remember which but it was about Gods protection. Amazingly, whatever the young kid told him was enough to make him go back down. I was about 120 feet above the cold concrete fearing he'd throw me over and i didnt know how to even fight. ONLY Gods intervention could have saved my life. And what would have happened if he had decided NOT to go smoke at just the right time ? I wouldn't have been alive to be here to read hour msgs. Prayer and submission to God got me down from that roof alive, rather than nust being in a short TV newsclip and newspaper article.