I am questioning strength

I do not feel strong, especially at times when people are prone to mentioning it. Is that [i]why[/i] it’s mentioned? If so, it never seems like a reminder of strength. It feels like a barrier has been put up.
When I am crying over a nightmare, flashback, or trigger, where is strength in that? Is it strength that I’m still alive? Am I being congratulated for doing something I don’t want? And what of the people who went through the same things and aren’t alive? I definitely don’t feel stronger than them.
Resignation, numbness, and acceptance feel like they play more a part than strength. Are those the strength being mentioned? If so, I don’t feel like I can take credit, other than working on acceptance in therapy. If I hadn’t done that, would I not be strong?
Strength seems like I had some some other option. What could I have done differently to have that praise of strength taken away?

BlueVeins · 22-25

@itsok It's extremely contextual, in my opinion. On one extreme, we might have an old person with late stage cancer who decides to kill themself for perfectly rational reasons like diminishing medical expenses, preventing their loved ones from seeing them in a worse state, and forgoing future pain. They've thought this over and have directed their force of will towards killing themself, which makes it not a lapse of strength.

On the other end of the spectrum, we might have a young guy who's recovering from a heroin addiction, but has future plans afterwards to marry someone he loves and secure a dream job. He wants to survive and see that bright future, but at times, his symptoms might be so bad that emotions overcome him and push him towards killing himself anyway. He's thought this over and has directed his force of will towards survival, which makes killing himself anyway a lapse of strength.

However, there's a whole world of nuance even beyond that. For one thing, this same logic suggests that the cancer patient failing to kill himself despite wanting to would be a lapse of strength. But more importantly, it's critical to remember that all strength is relative, and the forces that push people in the direction of suicide are all very different. Both you and I have some desire to commit suicide -- against our own interests -- but the psychological problems which tempt you are far, far stronger. Thus, if you were to commit suicide, that might be a lapse of strength (depending on how it happened), but it obviously wouldn't suggest that you had less strength than I did. Thus, a binary way of looking at it is critically limited. All it would really prove is that you had less strength than the individual challenge presented to you demanded.

So I guess that whole line of logic isn't useful for much, but it is useful for the narrow purpose of explaining why I think you're strong. Let me know if I'm off-base in any part of this.

BlueVeins · 22-25

@itsok Of course baby doll, I like how easy it is to talk to you. I remember when we barely knew each other... I'm so glad that talking to people here has become so much easier for you. The rest of us never knew what we were missing.

ginnyfromtheblock · 26-30, F

something i think about a lot is that the need to have a hero’s narrative projected onto a survivor is a coping mechanism for onlookers.

i feel you here. most of the time i do not feel strong, i just feel alive. but alive is enough, because it means you’re still here. but a horrible thing that happens to you is not some kind of plot device or something meant to make you stronger. you shouldn’t have to do anything at all and yet you have to recover and move on AND help people navigate how to talk to you. it just sucks. i’m glad you’re here regardless, though, because the world is better off with you in it.