MrMortal · 41-45, M
It doesn't surprise me how many people on here would cast their negative outlook on your partner, and give you more justification to break things off with him.
People are prone to destroy rather than mend and build. It's a sad reality of what we've become as a human race.
It takes bucket loads of effort to develop and grow, be it personally, spiritually, or even relationships. Most people nowadays want quick gratification.
If you want quick temporary gratification, then by all means - vent your troubles with your beloved out there, expose it all and burn what you've already built.
if you want long term solace, then work at it, and even work at him. More importantly work on yourself too. As you become more, you will learn to influence the world around you - including that of your loved ones.
There's a line between influence and manipulation, you would know it within yourself what your intent is.
As for your situation, If a heart to heart conversation cannot shed some insight on how you feel, then you need to do something different... write a hand written letter, drop a tear or 2 on it if you have to... there's many ways that would work for you, only you would know best what will likely have the outcome that you desire. You must just be willing to do what it takes, and the fact that you are taking steps to ratify how you feel, implies that you are closer to the resolution than you think. I envy you for that 'ah haa' moment you will experience, and wish you all of the best in your struggles. Let me know how things turn out for you
People are prone to destroy rather than mend and build. It's a sad reality of what we've become as a human race.
It takes bucket loads of effort to develop and grow, be it personally, spiritually, or even relationships. Most people nowadays want quick gratification.
If you want quick temporary gratification, then by all means - vent your troubles with your beloved out there, expose it all and burn what you've already built.
if you want long term solace, then work at it, and even work at him. More importantly work on yourself too. As you become more, you will learn to influence the world around you - including that of your loved ones.
There's a line between influence and manipulation, you would know it within yourself what your intent is.
As for your situation, If a heart to heart conversation cannot shed some insight on how you feel, then you need to do something different... write a hand written letter, drop a tear or 2 on it if you have to... there's many ways that would work for you, only you would know best what will likely have the outcome that you desire. You must just be willing to do what it takes, and the fact that you are taking steps to ratify how you feel, implies that you are closer to the resolution than you think. I envy you for that 'ah haa' moment you will experience, and wish you all of the best in your struggles. Let me know how things turn out for you
Gibbon · 70-79, M
You may not like this but I'm going to say it you need to hear it. Whether or not you do anything with it is up to you.
You say click? Given all the things you describe we have different definitions of what click means. I didn't find it for real until I was 57. See my profile and About me.
You describe someone who is self centered and unwilling to give of himself to a relationship which I'm certain he would regret losing if you said you had enough of his BS and walked out. The logistics of that possibility aren't important at the moment.
If he has never been violent to you or doesn't have that tendency there's no resson you can't take a stance and straighten this manchild out.
This game playing need is extended adailecense that admittedly to many men AND women carry way too far into adulthood. It needs be temporary relaxation not an all day priority.
Have the talk and let him know how serious you are. You're not his momma and he is selfish expecting you to carry him. Jobs are not going to the playground to have fun. He needs to find one and stick to it whether he likes it or not. He has an obligation to provide for you and his kid. He needs to grow up and man up.
The longer it goes on the worse it's going to get. Don't be afraid to investigate your ways out before hand.
Put him in a corner. I've seen this story. He needs you and his kid in his life more than you convince yourself you need him.
He just doesn't know it for himself because he hasn't been forced to face the music to point his mind pops and says "Holy sh-t I'm really going to be alone".
You say click? Given all the things you describe we have different definitions of what click means. I didn't find it for real until I was 57. See my profile and About me.
You describe someone who is self centered and unwilling to give of himself to a relationship which I'm certain he would regret losing if you said you had enough of his BS and walked out. The logistics of that possibility aren't important at the moment.
If he has never been violent to you or doesn't have that tendency there's no resson you can't take a stance and straighten this manchild out.
This game playing need is extended adailecense that admittedly to many men AND women carry way too far into adulthood. It needs be temporary relaxation not an all day priority.
Have the talk and let him know how serious you are. You're not his momma and he is selfish expecting you to carry him. Jobs are not going to the playground to have fun. He needs to find one and stick to it whether he likes it or not. He has an obligation to provide for you and his kid. He needs to grow up and man up.
The longer it goes on the worse it's going to get. Don't be afraid to investigate your ways out before hand.
Put him in a corner. I've seen this story. He needs you and his kid in his life more than you convince yourself you need him.
He just doesn't know it for himself because he hasn't been forced to face the music to point his mind pops and says "Holy sh-t I'm really going to be alone".
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Boy, do I feel for you. This really makes my heart ache at what you're going through. And you've not been married that long. This is pretty scary. I do believe he needs to grow up, but I also think you're making excuses to yourself about him and his behavior. I see it as much worse than you do. I've been through all that abuse. Sometimes we do lie to ourselves so that we'll feel better but it's important to get a handle on this and right away. I definitely don't like his behavior towards you and him just flying off the handle because you might go to the bathroom? This is narcissistic. This could turn really bad, if he's acting this way now. This guy needs serious help and most of all while you can, you and that baby don't need to be there with him, I'm sorry. That baby senses things, don't think the baby doesn't. You're going to end up with not only yourself upset and in a terrible mess, but you have got to protect that baby from this type of toxic environment. What sad is you're not really taking this too seriously but you should. His temper tantrums and whatever will definitely ruin your baby's life and that's one thing you don't want, as well as your own. He's not doing one thing to support the family. He needs to grow up. I'm not trying to pick on him but boy do I see the red flags and it's not going to get better I'm sorry to say, if something is not done. You need counseling badly and so does he. Because the first time you put your foot down or separate from him for a little bit he'll come crying and absolutely begging you to come back but he won't mean it because he will just be upset about losing control of you. He sounds very narcissistic and that's very dangerous. You need to get that baby in the safe environment right now, not tomorrow, and not go back to this guy until he has taken a full course of counseling and that doesn't mean quitting after two sessions.. if he's treating you like this now, that will escalate into physical violence. Don't wait around until that happens. That's not a maybe. This will escalate and you might end up with a black eye and other bruises and even more depressed than you are. My heart sure goes out to you and I'm sorry to have to tell you those things but I had to. You may not believe it now, but usually these things escalate until he'll hit you and then apologize and maybe even cry and then do it again and it's a vicious cycle. Please protect yourself in that baby. If you have a relative you can get away too and live with, please do and then get a restraining order so that he cannot come bother you but hopefully won't be able to find you. You need to go to a relative's house that is far away and whatever you do, do not tell one soul where you have gone because he will come find you and then you will really be upset. But this has to stop right now. I'm so sorry to tell you these things but I do not want to see you get hurt or go through more. This is just heartbreaking for you and the baby. I will be praying for you. You just can't say oh well but yeah but he's really good at times. That might be true and it sounds like he is at times, but you must stop this abusive behavior that he displays other times. I wish I could say it will get better but it won't because he's not going to let that happen. He has displayed that. He put you down and orders you. That behavior does not get better on its own. It only escalates as to how much you allow, but pretty soon it will get even worse because he doesn't want to be controlled. Please get help and counseling. ❤ Hugs
riseofthemachine · 41-45, M
A happy life " Isn't that what everyone wants .
My childhood wasn't great either .
My adulthood isn't great either .
You were on about your tolerance going and not easy to live with . I'm the same .
All I can say for the sake of the baby meet each other halfway . Don't take his gaming away . If I was you I'd join in . You be surprised how your relationship with go . That's something new .
That's a new idea cause your old ideas aren't working.
Everytime he's not nice to you , your hurting deep over your childhood cause your taking that hurt as rejection.
There's your answer my friend 😊.
If I can pass what I said you I be a happy man but the hardest advise to give is to give it to yourself.
I hope your relationship works out my friend
My childhood wasn't great either .
My adulthood isn't great either .
You were on about your tolerance going and not easy to live with . I'm the same .
All I can say for the sake of the baby meet each other halfway . Don't take his gaming away . If I was you I'd join in . You be surprised how your relationship with go . That's something new .
That's a new idea cause your old ideas aren't working.
Everytime he's not nice to you , your hurting deep over your childhood cause your taking that hurt as rejection.
There's your answer my friend 😊.
If I can pass what I said you I be a happy man but the hardest advise to give is to give it to yourself.
I hope your relationship works out my friend
being · 36-40, F
Is he an Indian hippie... It's a beautiful thing to be..but then, we all are asked to change and do Life differently, especially when a child arrives.
It's important for the dad to be happy of course, but it's important for the mum to be happy too ya know ... ?
I mean, it's really important for you to feel safe and supported, in order for you to be able to be relaxed and provide for your child. He provides for you and you for the child.
I think you are the one who needs to put your priorities straight, so he'll stop getting mixed signals and being confused. Dare to ask for what you need. Ask fully. Not "I-know-you-are-going-though-a-lot-but---". This is victim mentality. It shows You don't have your priorities straight and giving them excuses. Be more decisive over what it is that is needed right now.. and then ask him to see it.
Your softness is wonderful but right now it feels like it's being taken advantage off and you need this energy you're wasting, for yourself and your child right now. Is just a newborn! You put your priorities straight !!!:)
It's important for the dad to be happy of course, but it's important for the mum to be happy too ya know ... ?
I mean, it's really important for you to feel safe and supported, in order for you to be able to be relaxed and provide for your child. He provides for you and you for the child.
I think you are the one who needs to put your priorities straight, so he'll stop getting mixed signals and being confused. Dare to ask for what you need. Ask fully. Not "I-know-you-are-going-though-a-lot-but---". This is victim mentality. It shows You don't have your priorities straight and giving them excuses. Be more decisive over what it is that is needed right now.. and then ask him to see it.
Your softness is wonderful but right now it feels like it's being taken advantage off and you need this energy you're wasting, for yourself and your child right now. Is just a newborn! You put your priorities straight !!!:)
Casheyane · 31-35, F
You both need to step up. New chapter of your life. Bigger responsibilities.
Based on your side of the story, you're looking for a partner. Him, who knows? But he doesn't seen to share the same sentiment nor the same sense of responsibility.
Immaturity and growing up is a hard thing to fight for when it comes to people. Because in the end, you can't do it for others. They have to choose and work on it themselves.
To accept that something or someone is more important than oneself so you better yourself to give it/him/her what you think it/he/she deserves. You can imagine what kind of bravery and humility that would take.
But sometimes, you gotta jump before you learn how to swim. Because the baby is a living, breathing thing. There is no waiting.
Based on your side of the story, you're looking for a partner. Him, who knows? But he doesn't seen to share the same sentiment nor the same sense of responsibility.
Immaturity and growing up is a hard thing to fight for when it comes to people. Because in the end, you can't do it for others. They have to choose and work on it themselves.
To accept that something or someone is more important than oneself so you better yourself to give it/him/her what you think it/he/she deserves. You can imagine what kind of bravery and humility that would take.
But sometimes, you gotta jump before you learn how to swim. Because the baby is a living, breathing thing. There is no waiting.
exchrist · 31-35
Your perspective seems perfectly reasonable.
Does he get on well with the baby?
Usually bonding with a child eases alot of anxiety. Are you still sexing?
(try compliments and offering to take blame.), say thank you as often as possible. Is he working? Make him feel appreciate ask to do things he enjoys. Do you have a show you watch together? Favorite food? Try to go out more. Does he at least enjoy spending time with his child?
Does he get on well with the baby?
Usually bonding with a child eases alot of anxiety. Are you still sexing?
(try compliments and offering to take blame.), say thank you as often as possible. Is he working? Make him feel appreciate ask to do things he enjoys. Do you have a show you watch together? Favorite food? Try to go out more. Does he at least enjoy spending time with his child?
Luna123 · 31-35, F
@exchrist i will fully admit he's a good dad, he plays with him, feeds and changes him, he just struggles when the little one is super fussy and hands him to me. Unfortunately he's still not working, part of me thinks he's enjoying being a full time dad. We most of the thing you've mentioned but i do agree maybe i should thank him more for the stuff he does do. Thank you for the response, means alot
exchrist · 31-35
@Luna123 of course glad it helped. Try to Remember though that he needs to show equal respect to you. Are you working? He loves being a dad but if bills are pilling up he needs to work too. Plenty of from home jobs. Being a full time dad is great, but demonstrating productivity to the baby is important too. Are there grandparents to help out.
Assuradely he is not blameless.
Assuradely he is not blameless.
in10RjFox · M
The problem is that you three are together most of the time that causes a lot of friction, which you need to avoid first. You are known devils to each other. So first thing you need to do is to stop finding fault with each other and complaining to each other.
Since all of are home all the time, you while away the time by doing something and then act all of a sudden for emergencies like child crying, phone ringing etc. which basically disturbs your slumber.
So start following these steps
1. Both of you go mute and start texting instead. Don't call each other by screaming your name as it's gets in the nerve of both.
2 reduce your dependency. Assign household chores and responsibilities to each other by planning your day/ week/ month.. phone has all the features for reminders and alarms. Start using it systematically. Don't make silly issues surface each day.
3. Rather than spending time at home all the time, start finding ways to be outside of home like going for a stroll , spending time in the park with the baby etc and for anything only text each other.
4. Discuss life by texting while you are away from each other and don't even call each other. Take time to think and reply each other, instead of reacting impulsively. Once you start ignoring the faults and focus on the main issue, he too will stop the blame game and look at life seriously.
Since all of are home all the time, you while away the time by doing something and then act all of a sudden for emergencies like child crying, phone ringing etc. which basically disturbs your slumber.
So start following these steps
1. Both of you go mute and start texting instead. Don't call each other by screaming your name as it's gets in the nerve of both.
2 reduce your dependency. Assign household chores and responsibilities to each other by planning your day/ week/ month.. phone has all the features for reminders and alarms. Start using it systematically. Don't make silly issues surface each day.
3. Rather than spending time at home all the time, start finding ways to be outside of home like going for a stroll , spending time in the park with the baby etc and for anything only text each other.
4. Discuss life by texting while you are away from each other and don't even call each other. Take time to think and reply each other, instead of reacting impulsively. Once you start ignoring the faults and focus on the main issue, he too will stop the blame game and look at life seriously.
Gibbon · 70-79, M
@in10RjFox You 4 years ago on soul mates.
I have a real problem with that statement and idea from my own once in a lifetime experience.
The statement is extracted from its full context but stands on it own.
If you haven't read my profile and about me do it now.
That statement has no place in a soulmate conversation no matter how cane to it. And multiple soulmates is BS. Change the discussion to acquaintances and you have valid theory. Vickie and i were soulmates the likes of which your post fails understanding. You're just playing philosopher and your not good at it.
Sorry if I stepped on your toes but I had the rarest relationship anyone can have in their and your post was an insult to it. The same as the multiple souls is.
This young lady needs real advice not hokum that pulls people apart to falsely bring togetherness.
Get me statistics on temporary separations and I'll show you long term failures.
6I differ in the sense that I see them as having attained a complacency .. no motivation to play and fear of failure.. and just settled with what they have..
I have a real problem with that statement and idea from my own once in a lifetime experience.
The statement is extracted from its full context but stands on it own.
If you haven't read my profile and about me do it now.
That statement has no place in a soulmate conversation no matter how cane to it. And multiple soulmates is BS. Change the discussion to acquaintances and you have valid theory. Vickie and i were soulmates the likes of which your post fails understanding. You're just playing philosopher and your not good at it.
Sorry if I stepped on your toes but I had the rarest relationship anyone can have in their and your post was an insult to it. The same as the multiple souls is.
This young lady needs real advice not hokum that pulls people apart to falsely bring togetherness.
Get me statistics on temporary separations and I'll show you long term failures.
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@Convivial right
Levenrack · 46-50, M
One thing I'm going to impart on you, and it sounds like you could be well into it already. I can tell you from past experience, resentment is a MFer of a hole to climb out of. If you don't "nip it in the bud", pardon my expression. It's not good for your child, mental health or your relationship with your husband. 😌Sending you positive vibes.
Massageman · 70-79, M
Dolimyte · 41-45, M
Sounds like he has his own mental health issues that need adressing.
me(shouting at me for little things like going to the toilet whilst waiting for the kettle to boil and the baby is crying
Why can't he deal with the crying baby? It doesn't sound like he is busy with other things.
MyNameIsHurl · 41-45, F
AngelUnforgiven · 51-55, F
Do you like being a doormat? If not, then move on! He's a manchild. You already have a baby to take care of you dont need a grown man whose not pulling his own weight to add to that. I would pack up my baby and throw him a peace sign as I'm headed out the door.
Mudkip · 31-35, M
He sounds like an overgrown infant. I expect my nephew to act like that when I take his switch away. The only difference is that he's 4.
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MaBalzEsHari · M
The good news is the handwriting is on the wall for everyone else to see where you're thing with him is headed. The bad news..........you are ignoring it. No job....he has a kid to support...... and you......and he's not 15 anymore....but he gets pissed if he can;t game???.
SomeMichGuy · M
Well, you're no longer "just clicking" and you have a huge communication & respect issue.
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