why did this happen to me?

why did i het sexually assulted/raped so many times as a little kid. by diff people why? am i made to get destroyed in this life it left a big impact on me and my personality today i feel so vulnerable i cant stop crying i ignore all of this most of the time but at least once a month it hits me hard and i get flashbacks i dont know what to do anymore i feel like ending it all cause im never gonna be a normal girl that i shouldve been if this all didnt happen i keep fantasizing about my life thinking how i would be as a person if this didnt happen. i dont know what to do. im so lost

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itsok · 31-35, F

I’m sorry, and I understand. You will never know the person you would be had those things never happened to you, but things can get better than they are now. I recommend looking into trauma specialists if you feel like you can take that step.

in10RjFox · M

Memory fades on its own. But you are not letting it fade and recalling it, mainly because you are not filling your memory with newer ones. Mind is just like a water tank, where the old gets flushed out when new gets pumped in.

So just flush your toilet as often, to flush out the waste. Things may remain floating sometimes. Just ignore and they will get flushed out on their own in due course of time.

sunnysun · 18-21, F

@in10RjFox you do not understand traumas. mainly cause i never talked about it to anybody in real life and the way im always trying to push away those thoughts is the reason why i havent come to peace with it. im avoiding it as much as i can its eating me alive. i never got my justice from people who have done this to me i cant live a regular life cause of how much mental damage it has caused me. only way now what i figured is therapy. nothing else

sunnysun · 18-21, F

@in10RjFox since the day it happened (when i was 6 years old) i CANNOT FORGET i remember it perfectly i dont remember anything from my childhood other than this. im becoming hopeless. thank you for your advice tho.

in10RjFox · M

@sunnysun traumas should not be expressed or understood. It is also a communicative disease.

Yes therapy is one way of healing, as you may narrate your experience to a therapist, who will then give you some mental therapy, which will also clear your memory.

Good therapist also make you narrate your experience a few times as they know that you will yourself get bored of it and your sorrow will reduce each time.

We shout in pain when we get hurt. But if we are asked to shout again the same way, we can't, because we have healed.

So just let yourself to get healed. Don't expect sympathy from others.

ScreamingFox

I know the feeling and I can tell you it can get better. Therapy can help to a point but there are all kinds of practices that can ease symptoms. You will find your way. I live with it too and sometimes it makes me go way off track but I've learned that those hard times do pass. It's hard in the moment, you think you're trapped in it forever but I assure you there is much beauty still to life. You are not stuck in this.

SW-User

I’m so sorry, your feelings are valid and they matter. You need to talk with someone about this. Someone you trust, preferably a therapist specialized in trauma like itsok said. Things will get better , I promise.

sunnysun · 18-21, F

@SW-User do you know where i can start? can i find a therapist and talk to them without them calling the police cause of my situation? thank you so much for your advice much love ❤

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KiwiDan · 31-35, M

I don't know how to be helpful in this situation so have this (hopefully it's comforting as it's intended to be): 🤗

Donotfolowme · 51-55, F

Oh no! So sorry that's terrible

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