why did this happen to me?

why did i het sexually assulted/raped so many times as a little kid. by diff people why? am i made to get destroyed in this life it left a big impact on me and my personality today i feel so vulnerable i cant stop crying i ignore all of this most of the time but at least once a month it hits me hard and i get flashbacks i dont know what to do anymore i feel like ending it all cause im never gonna be a normal girl that i shouldve been if this all didnt happen i keep fantasizing about my life thinking how i would be as a person if this didnt happen. i dont know what to do. im so lost