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Tonight I am your agony aunt. Comment with your troubles and I will give you Scrofly advice.

I have issue with Dutch toilets. They're scary. Fix it
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@MethDozer It's cool my ancestry is British and they don't count anymore they had a whoel vote and everything.
bucktard · 36-40, M
@HijabaDabbaDoo wouldn’t the toilet get messy?
Kwek00 · 36-40, M
[quote]@MethDozer in their defense they have good chocolate so all is forgiven[/quote]

Piper · 61-69, F
Dear Srofly,
I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor is a commie. I saw a plant-based meat alternative empty carton last week, right after the trash pick-up truck went by.

I am worried, and not sleeping well now. Should I [b]report[/b] them?
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Piper Absolutely. In the unending vigilance against communism it is vital that we spy on our neighbours and report them to the government. That is the only way to stop totalitarianism.
Piper · 61-69, F
@CountScrofula I'm not sure who to report her to though, since I [b]know[/b] most all government agencies are part of the "deep state". I'm not sure exactly what that means and who all is involved, except for "Rhinos" and "lefties".

THEY all are, for sure. I've been stocking up on supplies, guns and ammo and all, because...well, you know. Everyone is evil, deceitful and corrupt, except those I agree with about on all subjects and issues.
TheCaterpillar · 41-45, F
I have to get a cat scan on my kidney but anything not emergency procedures is on hold here. I want to reconnect with my sister but I am scared because she's burned me in the past. I need to move soon and I still am not 100% sure where. I am afraid when my ex husband finds out I am moving what he's going to do. I am planning on driving across country with just my small crosstrek, my son, my old dog who hates to travel and what we can fit in my car and just thinking about that trip gives me anxiety on an epic level. I am sure I am forgetting something
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@TheCaterpillar You've committed to a course of action. All you can do is ensure that you have various safeguards against bad scenarios, and get excited about the fact you're actually doing it. You've been talking about getting out of your state for YEARS. Yes there are risks and its terrifying but this is also exciting and amazing and wonderful.

The kidney cat scan is really not wonderful though and I hope you can get that looked at soon. You've had enough health bullshit to deal with!
poisonouscupcake · 22-25, F
how long does it actually take to get over a breakup? i know there isn’t a set time but everytime i think about it i’m still hurting🙁 it’s embarrassing. do people just act okay or do they just get over things easily?
i’m sure not having closure and them still sneaking around doesn’t help but my mind won’t leave that place no matter how long it’s been.
also how do you protect yourself like emotionally from people who hurt you but you can’t really avoid seeing them at all? my uncle has been “getting out of prison” for like a few months now. but it hasn’t happened yet but my grandma says it’s going to be very soon. i don’t know what to do if he gets out and i have to be around him. i’d try to avoid him at all costs but last time he got out i still had to see him. am i a bad person for still seeing part of myself in him even after what he did?

i wrote too much you don’t have to answer all of these🥲
BlueVeins · 22-25
There are too many pokeweeds and I can't kill them all. :(
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@BlueVeins Bleach. It's cheap and if you use enough bleach on nature there will be no more nature. I'm pretty sure it works like that.
BlueVeins · 22-25
Entwistle · 51-55, M
A tooth snapped whilst eating a French loaf sandwich.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Entwistle Get to a dentist and maybe go for egg salad next time.
@Entwistle Ouch! 😖
I want to make a deal with the devil, but I want to cheat him out of [b]his[/b] soul if possible.
Figure that’s got to be worth a pretty penny on eBay.
Kwek00 · 36-40, M
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Straylight How good are you at fiddle?
@CountScrofula [youtube=]
gengar · 22-25, F
gengar · 22-25, F
@CountScrofula genius, i can read my mangos in peace
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@gengar Exactly! Plus you can pretend to be new-agey and wise without shoving a huge hunk of jade up your vag. They're called sitz baths. Look 'em up.
@gengar @CountScrofula My nana used to use Epsom salts in a sitz bath. They're supposed to help soothe your tushie and everything in and around it. 🤷‍♀️
summersong · F
Too many ✨ feelings ✨
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@summersong Make weird art!
summersong · F
@CountScrofula this is genius tbh, I haven’t made art in ages.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@summersong Legit it sounds like you need a good hobby and considering where you live and your outlook on the world - weird art is exactly what you need in your life.
HatterM · 46-50, M
Dear Aunt CountScrofula, it is 2am and I am up with insomnia angrily reading news about that **** leading (?) our country (UK) and his lying ****ing ministers. Please advise how I may deal with these feelings and get some sleep. Thank you Aunty. P.S. I hope you reply before morning.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@HatterM I am here! Boris Johnson will still be an awful man no matter how much you read about him.

Find something to refocus your thoughts and since they're probably racing and agitated, maybe a video or podcast or something. I'll look up old panel game episodes on youtube like QI. It'll arrest my attention but not be so interesting I have to watch until the end.
HatterM · 46-50, M
@CountScrofula Thanks, Aunty. Will do 👍
mah anus is itchy oh great sage...
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@TheOneyouwerewarnedabout Scratch it with meaning and intensity.
tacobell · 26-30, M
Me: watching American politics
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@tacobell Gotta crush capitalism sorry bro that's all I got.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@TryingtoLava Life can accommodate some pretty big changes if you feel trapped. Part of it is figuring out is if anyone would feel trapped in your situation, or if you'll feel trapped in any situation if that makes sense. Where's the trap.
Coralmist · 36-40, F
Dear Scrofly, ps, I hope this is a weekly advice column! I need it 😢😩😄
How can I stop doubting myself in everything?? Am I doing it right, am I wrong,'s making my life small.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Coralmist It's really hard to not do that but my way forward is to think of the worst thing that can happen, the consequences, and if it will matter in a year or so.

Shit can go wrong, catastrophically so. However it is very rare you will make a mistake so spectacular it will actually ruin your life for any point in time.

So it's not about being pessimistic and expecting the worst, but accept that you have the capacity to deal with the worst. I deal with a ton of high-risk labour situations now and that's really helped me cope with the stress of bad decisions.
Coralmist · 36-40, F
@CountScrofula That makes sense. Not every mistake I might make is going to be, CATASTROPHIC. That's what anxiety does, it multiplies a fear and makes it catastrophic, when it's really the size of a mouse. Thanks Scrof🌸🦋🍀
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Coralmist I'll try! The big thing is anxiety will attach six "and thens" and those are just making shit up lol
Burnley123 · 41-45, M
I've been taking life lessons from Jordan Peterson but everyone has stopped talking to me and my meat diet is killing my health.
Kwek00 · 36-40, M
@Burnley123 I hope your room is clean now!
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Burnley123 I recommend getting sketchy medical treatment in Russia and then just settling into to being a twitter shitposter about vaccines. It's dignified.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Harriet03 YOU'RE FUCKED, RUN!
solitaire · 36-40, F
A friend gave me unwanted advise (when I didn't ask for it!!). Pissed me off.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@solitaire Tell your friend to start an advice column and get out of your business.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@QueenOfQuirk Yeah fuck that. Find something fun and meaningful to do. Life has no point and so you have to invent your own. That's wonderfully freeing.

Early 20s are fucking hard as well because like... what are you supposed to do with your life? Nobody knows and anyone who says they do probably joined a pyramid scheme or a cult.

Develop yourself to do things you enjoy, don't shirk responsibilities, and recognize that it's okay to be aimless. Sometimes it's about finding the right job or a cause or even just a hobby. Try new shit and new people and also just... let yourself grow older.

30 year old you may have a very keen sense of self and meaning because you spent the time going through these wilderness years.
QueenOfQuirk · 22-25, F
@CountScrofula thank you for explaining it in such detail 😅
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@QueenOfQuirk Hey I'm not posting this thread 'cause I got a lot going on tonight lol
I just want macarons.
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Selah What flavour?
@CountScrofula I usually stick to vanilla bean or sea salt caramel and then I get some novelty ones that I end up hating but thats part of the experience for me lol
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@Selah I try new ones every time and usually like them all. But I looove the fruity ones. Give me a black currant macaron and I'm your best friend for life.
YoungPoet345 · 22-25, F
Lonely and sleepy
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@YoungPoet345 See if a random internet friend of yours you like but have only texted with will do a phone call for you to fall asleep to. Maybe they can read you a story. Everyone likes being read to.
I'm awake at 1am 😔
CountScrofula · 41-45, M
@V00doo Make sure you're not in bed trying to sleep because it'll make it worse. Do other stuff until you're sleepy. Otherwise get ready to teach a bunch of kids through one raging bloodshot eye. Woo!

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