Funniest Joke wins!!

Bob fears his wife of 52 years, Peggy, isn’t hearing as well as she used to, but is not sure how to raise it, given her sensitivity over getting older. The family doctor gives him the good oil, though, on how to at least confirm she is going deaf. “Stand about 10 metres away, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to eight metres, six metres, and so on until you get a response.” That evening, Peggy is in the kitchen cooking dinner, so Bob positions himself by the TV and in a normal tone asks, “What’s for dinner, love?” No response. So he moves to the dining room table: “Peg, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. So, he comes right to the kitchen door, and says conversationally, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still nothing. Saddened but determined, he moves right up behind her. “Peg, what’s for dinner?” “For God’s sake, Bob, for the FOURTH time,

An 86-year-old man was having his annual checkup. He bragged to the doctor: "Hey, doc. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. How 'bout that?"
The doctor thought for a moment & said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was a skilled hunter but one day he left home in a hurry & accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Later that day, he came face-to-face with a huge Grizzly Bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear & squeezed the handle. And the bear immediately fell to the ground & died."
"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A sheep a drum and a snake fall off a cliff…






Baa dum tssssss

A bit long and racist, no offense meant.
A train crashes on the way to the big city. Four men find themselves at the pearly gates. An Irish man, a Greek, an Italian, and a Jew.
They plead with St. Peter for a second chance. He grants it, on the the conditions that they walk to the city station, and they give up their favorite habit along the way. The men agree, and are sent on their way.
The Irish man, a bit shaken, says : I don’t know about you fellows, but after that, I need a drink !
They stop in to a bar, he orders a large whiskey. The moment the glass touches his lips “[b]POOF[/b]” he vanishes in a cloud of smoke.
The three men continue on their trek, soon they start getting hungry.
There is a dinner, with a sign : ALL YOU CAN EAT SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS
They go inside. The Italian, orders a big plate full. “I love spaghetti! “
Sure enough, the moment he lifts the fork to his mouth” [b]POOF[/b]” he disappears in a cloud of smoke.
The two remaining men leave, and walk down the street. When out of a doorway, a quarter rolls out in front of them. The Jew, bends over to pick it up, “[b]POOF[/b]” the Greek disappears in a cloud of smoke !

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can make it anytime but Tuesdays.”

Buddy goes into the pub Friday night, and is surprised to see Butch at the bar dinking .
What the bloody Hell are you doing here ? I thought you and Thelma were going off to Brighten to get married.
I called it off , Butch said, with a grunt.
Why ? What happened ? Buddy asked him.
I found out that Thelma is a virgin.
Surprised, Buddy asked him. What’s wrong with that ?
If she ain’t good enough for the other guys, she ain’t good enough for me !

There were some really good jokes here, but my favourite was from @ozgirl512

Congrats!! x

I would give second place to @DocSavage

I got into trouble in the bank at work today. A customer asked me to check their balance. I got an official warning for pushing them over

A delivery driver dropped off a package to me today. He threw it on the roof and I complained. He said it was on the house

What’s brown and sticky

When should you use a condom ?

Every conceivable moment.

👨‍🦳 my wife has a bad habit of talking to herself
👨‍🔬 so does mine, she thinks I’m listening

If your Uncle Jack was riding a horse, and he got himself tangled up in the saddle and couldn't dismount...


Would you help your Uncle Jack off the horse?

If,,,,, we were lost in the desert 🏜️

and a snake bit me on the 🍆

Would you save me by sucking out the poison 🤣