Guilt as my dad is deathly ill

It's hard to strike a balance, and far too easy to beat yourself up no matter what you do. With my mother in the nursing home, I finally cut it down to once a week. She didn't know who I was; thought I was one of her brothers, and it kept switching. I think the only time she recognized me was when apparently staff told her "your son is coming to visit" and she asked about her husband and was told "he died years ago". When I got there she was in tears, devastated, it was news to her. You have to weigh how much good you are doing versus how much you are doing it to assuage your own guilt, imho.

Conversely, when I had to put my late partner into Assisted Living -- not a nursing home; a residential home with around-the-clock staffing, only a handful of patients with social activities -- I initially began picking her up, taking her out during the day, mostly home (where she would nap with her cat) but to lunch, outings, etc. The owner/director told me "don't do it every day; let her get acclimatized here, build new relationships with other patients and staff". But I didn't listen. And when it got to the point where she wasn't up to going out, and transitioned to hospice care, it was just that much harder for her.

We as a family started off seeing my dad in a nursing home everyday the first year. By year 4 it was down to 1...maybe 2 days a week. We also as a family took turns so somebody saw him everyday. In August 2020 he passed overnight and no one was there. We found that all of us do not feel guilty because we did our best...for him and ourselves.

I get it. Not the same. But I cared for my wife through dementia for close to ten years until the family had to intervene for everyones sake. But I digress..Since she has been in proper care, I have visited several times a week. Her dementia is such that she doesnt remember if I visited yesterday or a month ago.And because I havent been able to drive myself since November, I had to rely on other to take me to see her.usually once a week. These group visits work better for us all as we can tag team and distract her if she is getting angry with another person there.
As of Yesterday I can drive myself again. And there is a debate in the family as to whether we should continue the group visits, or go back to separate visits, which were harder on everyone..

You are doing everything you can, please don’t beat yourself up. Life’s happenings are out of your hands. Remember the time you had with him after getting away from your mom.
I have to say, our lives are eerily similar.
HUGS

you have to take care of the carer as well.

you'll eat yourself up with the "what-ifs" and "I shuddas"

give him what you can do that a month after the funeral service you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I did what I could"

Don't feel guilty over that, you didn't know then what you do now. You are a better daughter than it seems he deserved due to the past neglect. You've nothing to feel guilty over.

Do what you feel is right, do what you feel is best, but don't forget how you were treated before. That's all I will say.

prayers and powerful energy

It’s your visits now that count most

🌹