Guilt as my dad is deathly ill

I've visited my dad once a week for the last year in his. Nursing home. The year prior to it I visited twice a week. Sometimes he'd act irate and rude over little things but mostly it was a good visit. My sister said why not go once a week after he acted like that, especially since he turned a cheek our whole life when we were severely abused by our mother. So I said, yes I'll do once a week.

But now that he has aggressive cancer and could pass any day, I'm feeling a bit of guilt. Every visit, and now too, I do provide him kindness and snacks, getting what he needs etc. , music ...but of course there were extra days last year I could have gone as well. 🙁

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dancingtongue · 80-89, M

It's hard to strike a balance, and far too easy to beat yourself up no matter what you do. With my mother in the nursing home, I finally cut it down to once a week. She didn't know who I was; thought I was one of her brothers, and it kept switching. I think the only time she recognized me was when apparently staff told her "your son is coming to visit" and she asked about her husband and was told "he died years ago". When I got there she was in tears, devastated, it was news to her. You have to weigh how much good you are doing versus how much you are doing it to assuage your own guilt, imho.

Conversely, when I had to put my late partner into Assisted Living -- not a nursing home; a residential home with around-the-clock staffing, only a handful of patients with social activities -- I initially began picking her up, taking her out during the day, mostly home (where she would nap with her cat) but to lunch, outings, etc. The owner/director told me "don't do it every day; let her get acclimatized here, build new relationships with other patients and staff". But I didn't listen. And when it got to the point where she wasn't up to going out, and transitioned to hospice care, it was just that much harder for her.