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Feeling guilty and shitty 😒

I have a really confusing/bad/whatever(?) relationship with my mother. I moved across the country years ago, to go to college but mostly to get away from my family.

Over the years, my mum and I would talk periodically, but now that I'm not giving her money anymore, and we have very different political views, she doesn't contact me, and I don't contact her.

But I am still her daughter and I feel a responsibility to speak with her and care about her, as I know she still did her best to raise me in bad circumstances.

I haven't seen her in over ten years, so it's easy for me to forget about her. Sad as it is to say... Heartless as it seems. And when I do remember her, I just think about having to listen to her political rants and anger (she often ends up making me quite upset, she's very homophobic and intolerant and on and on). She doesn't really listen to what I say and doesn't respect my opinions, she brushes off anything I might relay to her about my own struggles (I stopped bothering to tell her).

Anyway, her birthday is coming up and I am feeling like I should contact her. Maybe I should send a card instead of a phone call? I don't know?

Am I a bad person?

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Temporallube · M

Don’t feel guilty. You are her child. She was here before and cultivated her own existential philosophy before you had a grasp on making one for yourself.

It’s ok for family members to disagree politically, so long as there is an understanding. Since you say there’s little understanding on your mother’s part, you can probably look at it as her just needing to grow more in terms of being empathetic towards you.

People are on a journey of development in my view. And sometimes a child can surpass a parent in certain aspects of that life growth.

Let me say it again. Don’t feel guilty. You can make the choice and respect that she did the fundamentals as a parent, however harsh or nice, and celebrate her through that part.

I say send a card. You sending it is really not for her in my view, but more for yourself. It helps you to face whatever uneasiness you have mentally and become better because of it. Sending a card would add to your growth as a person of dignity and respect. Again,
It’s really more about you, and not her when considering a call or a card.

SW-User

Did she give you the childhood you felt you deserved? Sometimes the best they can give you is not enough; if they were not at their best. You only see their want in attempt then. It does say she tried.

My mother always listens to me - how stupid I might become. She's the one person I truly respect with all of my heart.

You aren't a bad person - you are just confused and hurting, as anyone would.

You have to trust your intuition, which I think you have bounds of, outside whom make you angry.

You have no obligation in my opinion.

caccoon · 36-40

@SW-User my childhood was on the surface, pretty good. I had food almost always, and we had horses and chickens and mountainscape... But it was lonely, I was alone mostly and the relationship aspect of things was bad. My dad would leave and my mum wouldn't or couldn't work, so I would end up paying for a lot of things. It was better when he wasn't there anyway, but the lack of food and stuff was shitty at times.

But I know overall, I was fortunate. I just struggle to get along with her and it's always been rocky, but we also are very different people.

I never realised how racist, homophobic, loveless, judgy, etc I had been raised until I left. I always hated those things but I didn't know what they were especially and I rarely repeated or believed them, but it was good to get away from what I feel is a toxic way of being

SW-User

@caccoon I haven't dealt with this entirely - and thank you for sharing. Some of what you express echoes, I feel that might be time of our parents. I see my Mum make statements, she identifies as liberal, caring, and I'm umm? My father more, but I can't ask anymore.

But I always had "stable" parents - I think that is key. When questions of the world came up - even though there would be differences in opinion, respect - I always found my parents came together in showing care.

Poverty sucks. I don't think enough fathom what it does on stress levels and how it manifests. My ex, had a father obsessed with showing how he cared for his daughter by buying ice cream, when he didn't know how to show, and her mother was schizophrenic. She grew up to be the most loving person I met; with issues ( I say that kindly ).

She would echo your words about herself; and she'd be right... as you are.

It hurts when we felt loss of love when we are young. I hope I'm not talking out of turn, but I feel somewhere that is what traumatizes you to this day.

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Bexsy

You're not a bad person
I went many years without any contact with my father after I turned 18. Personal choice. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from things that are toxic to you. Just the way it is. It's normal to feel guilty though.

A birthday card though might relieve the guilt without putting you in a situation that might upset you. Unless shes the one that will complain and contact you and ask why no money in it etc? I have those 🙄

caccoon · 36-40

@Bexsy I'm sorry you had to do so as well. I agree, it is for the best, but the guilt makes it so complicated. But everytime I talk to her it puts me in a bad headspace 😖 I mean there can be moments of niceness but yeah...

Ah if she did that, I'd just ignore it. I will get her a nice card tomorrow at the market and maybe a small gift. That should be good

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

You're not a bad person. Some of us have to hold boundaries of distance and minimal engagement with our family members for our own sanity and wellbeing. Having to hold that boundary is not a fault, recognizing that you need to put up a boundary is performing good self care and also hopefully teaching the person the boundary is against a lesson.

I think a card is a good compromise. You are keeping a minimized engagement boundary but still expressing your love and care.

Haniazed

No, it’s obvious you care…🥺❤️

I think a card is a really good idea. It’s thoughtful without any confrontations😊

caccoon · 36-40

@Haniazed thank you! Yeah I think it's a good way to go about having light contact with her

HannibalAteMeOut · 22-25, F

If you feel like doing something, do it, not because you must or because you were told to. But you shouldn't have great expectations from her. It was much more her responsibility to stay in contact or drift apart than it was yours. You're not a bad person for not seeing her anymore and you won't be bad if you decide not to send that card either. But if you feel like you owe it to yourself, it's better to do it than regret later.

Josh1454 · M

I’m a firm believer that you can love someone but not forcibly like them. You shouldn’t keep someone in your life that you feel is toxic to you. Now if you feel she isn’t toxic and is just a difference of opinion, then maybe try to fix the relationship. However, at the end of the day you need to take care of yourself and if your mother can’t accept that, then she needs to re-evaluate herself.

SW-User

You're not a bad person. Regardless of what you parents might have done for you, it doesn't mean that you will like who they are as people when you get old enough to understand who they are. You don't choose family, you just get them and often you wouldn't choose them as friends. You may have nothing in common with them other than blood. So it can be no surprise that you may not willingly seek them out, particularly if your relationship with them has become understandably strained.

tenente · 100+, M

@SW-User good bot 👍

Nanori · F

If other than her political views and endless rants all is well then just go visit her and make it all about her, you'll be the one feeling happy and content by the end of the day.

caccoon · 36-40

@Nanori I'll have to go and visit her at some point. We fight pretty easily though, it really raises my stress levels to be around her 😖 but I realise she won't be around forever

Nanori · F

@caccoon "it's okay that she doesn't listen to me" "it's okay that she has a different opinion than me"

caccoon · 36-40

@Nanori very true

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deadgerbil · 26-30

Hardly. Some people don't deserve to have kids and she sounds like a real piece of work

You wouldn't tolerate that from someone off the street, being blood related is no excuse for her to subject you to her bs. I probably wouldn't even send a card

caccoon · 36-40

@deadgerbil it's true, I think she was raised in a really fucked up situation as well so it didn't give her a good place to start from.

It's why I've chosen not to have kids... I don't want to be a bad parent like that and I know history repeats itself.

summersong · F

You are not your mom’s parent even though she made you take responsibility for her. You deserve to expend the energy you would be giving her on looking out for yourself. Just because you understand that she tried doesn’t mean that you owe her any contact.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

Nah, not a bad person. Some people are too stressful to deal with & sometimes that might include parents too 🤷 protecting your peace isn't an evil thing to do

caccoon · 36-40

@ChiefJustWalks I would agree!

SW-User

You're not selfish for protecting your peace

caccoon · 36-40

Thank you so much everyone 💙 I really appreciate your support and it makes me feel better about my decisions. You all have such good words and wisdom

Thank you 💙

MrBlueGuy

You're certainly not a bad person. Parental relationships can be extremely confusing. Not everyone is meant to be in your life. The fact that you are still open to maintaining some kind of relationship with her speaks volumes.

ineedadrink · 51-55, M

Maybe writing a letter with a card is the better way to go. She can read the letter, or not, at her leisure & you don't have to get upset listening to her looking to argue how she is right with you.

deathfairy ·

you are not a bad person. i can go months without talking to my mom and tbh, i would be ok if i never called her. you are doing what is best for you and you do still love her. send her a card. seriously. that’s it. ❤️ shows you thought of her, and you still care. and you don’t want to reach out further than that.

caccoon · 36-40

@deathfairy thank you 💙🥺 it is hard. I haven't spoken to her at all in a couple of years now and it's hard to break the barrier. I'm sorry things are hard with your mum too

I'll send her a card, you're right 💙 it makes me feel terribly guilty but it's something

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

I am not really sure why society is so set on telling people you have to be in contact with your family because they are family.

You don’t have to keep toxic people in your life. If you want to send a card you should. I think it would be easier than a phone call.

I would have nothing to do with my mother but I have care and control of her finances and medical decisions because she has early on set dementia. The messed up woman that raised me isn’t there anymore.

caccoon · 36-40

@iamonfire696 I'm sorry, that sounds really hard 😣

I also agree, but I don't even know if it's society, affecting me, just my own guilty and recognition that she probably does love me. And I love her too but it's complicated

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@caccoon it sucks but it’s life.

I cut my sister out of my life. She’s an alcoholic and I can’t support her in that. Things are always complicated but you have to do what’s right for you.

If contacting her will be good for you then you should but if it’s just guilt and isn’t going to bring any benefit to your life then I wouldn’t honestly.

tenente · 100+, M

rant follows. stop reading now:

1. not bad person. 2. take credit for keeping the lines of comm open to a toxic person. 3. you didn't choose to be born. 4. you didn't choose your parents. 5. this 'mother' isn't qualified to be a parent. 6. the 'mother' should be grateful you spend a second of your time on them. 7. you can live a happy and productive life without them - you owe nothing to them. 8. it's not your job or your duty to make them better and not your fault that they are unfit parents. last, you're forgiven - now forgive yourself → go fwd and lead a happy productive life with people who deserve to be with you, who do care about you, who do respect you and make your life richer and better.

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