Feeling guilty and shitty 😒

I have a really confusing/bad/whatever(?) relationship with my mother. I moved across the country years ago, to go to college but mostly to get away from my family.

Over the years, my mum and I would talk periodically, but now that I'm not giving her money anymore, and we have very different political views, she doesn't contact me, and I don't contact her.

But I am still her daughter and I feel a responsibility to speak with her and care about her, as I know she still did her best to raise me in bad circumstances.

I haven't seen her in over ten years, so it's easy for me to forget about her. Sad as it is to say... Heartless as it seems. And when I do remember her, I just think about having to listen to her political rants and anger (she often ends up making me quite upset, she's very homophobic and intolerant and on and on). She doesn't really listen to what I say and doesn't respect my opinions, she brushes off anything I might relay to her about my own struggles (I stopped bothering to tell her).

Anyway, her birthday is coming up and I am feeling like I should contact her. Maybe I should send a card instead of a phone call? I don't know?

Am I a bad person?

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SW-User

Did she give you the childhood you felt you deserved? Sometimes the best they can give you is not enough; if they were not at their best. You only see their want in attempt then. It does say she tried.

My mother always listens to me - how stupid I might become. She's the one person I truly respect with all of my heart.

You aren't a bad person - you are just confused and hurting, as anyone would.

You have to trust your intuition, which I think you have bounds of, outside whom make you angry.

You have no obligation in my opinion.

caccoon · 36-40

@SW-User my childhood was on the surface, pretty good. I had food almost always, and we had horses and chickens and mountainscape... But it was lonely, I was alone mostly and the relationship aspect of things was bad. My dad would leave and my mum wouldn't or couldn't work, so I would end up paying for a lot of things. It was better when he wasn't there anyway, but the lack of food and stuff was shitty at times.

But I know overall, I was fortunate. I just struggle to get along with her and it's always been rocky, but we also are very different people.

I never realised how racist, homophobic, loveless, judgy, etc I had been raised until I left. I always hated those things but I didn't know what they were especially and I rarely repeated or believed them, but it was good to get away from what I feel is a toxic way of being

SW-User

@caccoon I haven't dealt with this entirely - and thank you for sharing. Some of what you express echoes, I feel that might be time of our parents. I see my Mum make statements, she identifies as liberal, caring, and I'm umm? My father more, but I can't ask anymore.

But I always had "stable" parents - I think that is key. When questions of the world came up - even though there would be differences in opinion, respect - I always found my parents came together in showing care.

Poverty sucks. I don't think enough fathom what it does on stress levels and how it manifests. My ex, had a father obsessed with showing how he cared for his daughter by buying ice cream, when he didn't know how to show, and her mother was schizophrenic. She grew up to be the most loving person I met; with issues ( I say that kindly ).

She would echo your words about herself; and she'd be right... as you are.

It hurts when we felt loss of love when we are young. I hope I'm not talking out of turn, but I feel somewhere that is what traumatizes you to this day.

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