Its a very "girl" thing, to cast up things previously dealth with and disposed of.. In the end, whenever my wife strayed in that direction, I went straight to a Toyota sports car of mine she wrote off in a single car accident. (No injuries) And she learned not to do it..😷
@whowasthatmaskedman A friend of mine in Canada has a `72 Toyota Celica that he bought new and only drives in summertime now. It's the GT model which means 'Grand Touring' and has all the bells and whistles including factory air.
He never drove it in winter and there's no salt corrosion anywhere on it. It has a built-in 4-track cassette player which was a smaller version of the 8-track of the time. It's got a 5-speed transmission and has black leather seats and doesn't burn any oil apparently.
He always takes me for a ride in it if I show up at his place wearing shorts! He calls me his 'arm candy' which I go along with and play it for all it's worth! 😆
@SumKindaMunster ok, so my choice of words are incorrect then but does that change their actions creating the feelings of disrespect. The disrespect could be something of a cultural difference or not speaking up for me in a situation that called for them to have input.
Past is past, if that issue is irrelivent to today's concern or issue, then it is best to not mention it or avoid it.
A pattern or our behavior that does not change and keeps repeating every day is one thing. However, if that issue got resolved, however re occured in weeks or months later. Best way to deal with is to look at from fesh perspective as to why it happened and discus and if needed bring up the past.
If past problems are resolved, leave them in the past where they belong. If it is a continuation of the same problem over and over, and there's been no resolution, there's no reason it cannot be mentioned. If that's the case, and the behavior is intentional, the only question that remains is how long you will put up with that pattern of behavior, before you do something about it.
@dale74 ehhh. How does that work? She was making up for lost time?
So I wonder sometimes if when an argument is had and a situation was "resolved " with an action if that action is only upheld for a while or a person can do better for X amount of time but then out the blue they revert. Surely that can't be seen as throwing up old arguments, because if the actions is the same as before and the result is the same as before surely this is a fair point to bring up.
No its not unhealthy if you feel its unresolved. By all means, you have the right to say exactly how you feel how ever many times you feel that you have to say it .
@Mellowgirl so you can have a long conversation about your mutual feelings. then if it comes up again, you don't need to rehash the whole conversation all over again. One of you can work "zinc" or whatever into a situation without getting all agitated about it.
@Mellowgirl nothing like dramatic or anything but we have a couple code words, phrases, references. kind of a secret language. we've been together a fair time and had time to develop different stuff over the years.
Not if the issues weren’t resolved. Then it’s fair game. If someone says they’re willing to change but they don’t, you have every right to mention the pattern
@Mellowgirl I’ve had these same discussions in my marriage or with close family. They’ll say I’m too sensitive and can’t take a joke. But I call BS on that.
@BillyMack I really don't appreciate being told I can't take a joke. When I think I have a really good sense of humour. I mean if it's funny I'll definitely laugh about it. But being the butt if the "joke" isn't cool.
If dealt with and resolved it should be left alone
If used to show a pattern of behavior without resolution its fair game
If there is seldom action to resolve reasonable expectations of behavior, respect for boundaries, etc .. take it for what it is .. a sign the person does not care. Plan your exit accordingly.
@onrealityofdreams so this is why I ask, because in my experience this is what I'm used to. So if I then bring up the history it feels like I'm showing a pattern of behaviour that feels like disrespect. And to me it feels valid. But I'm often met with contempt for doing so.
@DunningKruger thank you for clarifying. It's nice to know I'm not far off the mark in my approach. I will look at other ways to deal with this that may be less inflammatory, but there's only so much compromise I'll make on try to spare someone else's feelings. Especially if a point can be simply made in few words.
@swirlie yea one of those. Annoying as hell. They like to do monologues, I think it's a wearing down tactic but I get bored and zone out until there's a break to reiterate my point. I think the longest they went on for was 4 hours.
@Mellowgirl I don't feel so bad, though I endured something similar.
I got into a monologue with a distant relative of mine on a park bench in a cemetery a few years back, where he went on... non-stop without a break... for 3 hours straight, not saying anything new, but only repeating verbatim what he'd already repeated 5 times within that 3 hour sitting.
It was as if he were reading from a script he'd prepared before we had met up. When I say "verbatim", I mean literally the exact same words in the exact same sentences spoken, as if it had all been pre-memorized. It was a bazaar experience actually.
When there was finally a break in the action, I stood up and said I had to get on my way since half the day was now shot, which were words that didn't actually resonate with him.
The first thing he said in response to me was, "So Jen, what's new with you?".
