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Talking about negative topic with cancer patients?

I'm not sure whether to bring up the horrible pain my dad let me go through. He' has weeks left to live, we learned last week. It's a very rapid advance cancer😔
I've been very positive with him since he began feeling ill two months ago.

I help him, get him what he needs, try to laugh, give him extra snacks he likes. But that pain from years ago was never resolved. I experienced extreme debilitating abuse daily as a child , into my 20's from my psychopath mother. I have
crippling PTSD now from it. He would laugh when I cried many years ago, after she'd bully me or scream or threaten me. To laugh at my pain?🙁That's horrible plus for years would deny her assaults.
My sister wanted to tell him how she felt too, and she said This affected her entire LIFE. But on the other hand I know he's suffering. And if the empathy I've grown to have tells me anything, it's never add to someone's suffering...it's very hard even thinking of doing that. I guess I could mention it in passing but not stay on the topic. I do want him to feel calm and positive as much as possible.

But we may need to ask if he'd like to be buried or cremated..another sad topic. Is that ok to bring up?
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Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
If you decide to discuss it with him you cannot expect him to suddenly accept where he failed you.
He may not, that is a reality.
I worry that you may put too much hope in an apology that might not come.
If it was me, I would silently forgive him without any apology, not accept what has happened, but for my own sanity.
Nothing gets resolved totally ,because you can't resolve years of abuse in one or two conversations.
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
@GovanDUNNY Unfortunately, experience has taught me this.
I was abused by a brother and no one in my family can seem to understand how I feel about it, so I just forgave them all and gave up trying to get them to.
I think you can only relate with other survivors about those types of things.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@Justmeraeagain It's not for an apology fully, I know he probably won't. It's to let him know that I was very very hurt drastically by his unaccountability my entire life. But I will offer positive words to end it, in small ways that he was a good dad sometime and I do love him. And I want him to essentially feel peace in his life and at end of life. 😞🪻
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
@Coralmist
In the end you have to do what you believe is right and for the right reasons.
If in your heart you believe this is the best action than it is the action you take.
DrWatson · 70-79, M
I don't know your dad.

But for some people in his situation, if he knows that he has hurt you in the past but has never shown the ability to talk about it, your bringing it up would allow him to apologize and for the two of you to reconcile, and thus he can die in peace.

But for someone else who is in complete denial about the consequences of his actions, that might not happen.

I think this has to be your call. it's a tough one.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@DrWatson Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts 🪻
Stephie · 22-25, F
I believe that at this stage of his life, remorse is what is eating him up quicker than the cancer gives him physical pain.

Showing that in tha final stage of his earthly existence that the ones that were once the target of his mean streak is affecting him more than the thought of having to depart for a better place.

You give him what he needs most but was reluctant to give him when YOU needed it most.

That shows that compassion and empathy is beyond the moral harm that was once done.

You have my deepest respect for that.
Levenrack · 46-50, M
When you two talk, are both of you or either one being extremely selective in your verbiage? Or, for the most part, open-ended in your conversations?
If you two dance around any semblance of trying to express feelings, that could be something that might not go the way you'd like. It might be a make-or-break, or like the truth will set you free type of situation. 😕

We're here, should you have need of us.....
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@Levenrack I have a strong feeling he will not say anything or try to change the subject as he did in past years. 🙁 although you never know fully.
But at least I'll get out a few minutes of my feelings... I won't stay on the topic long.
GovanDUNNY · M
@Coralmist Tell him you always loved him despite his complicity with your mother ,if he says sorry accept it, if he doesent hes full of remorse, leave it at that.
LavidaRaq · F
Maybe at some point, your conversations will lead up to that subject, and you can ask him what his wishes are. By the way, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. Hugs
sarabee1995 · 26-30, F
He knows he's terminal, right?

If so, then keep it simple and direct...

"Dad, have you given and thought or made any final plans we should know about?"

Leave all the history in history. We are all God's children and none of us are perfect. 😔
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@sarabee1995 I might still mention it but for a short minute or two. And end it on a positive note...or I may not say anything. That's a good way to bring up burial , Thank you.
sarabee1995 · 26-30, F
@Coralmist This is just my view and my opinion, but I try very hard not to hold any grudges in life. Many people have said some very hurtful things to me. Things that are very hard to forget because the wounds can be deep. So forgetting is impossible.

But forgiving is something we can do. And not for them, but for us. Release the suppressed anger and angst, recognize them as just another struggling child of God who messed up, and grant them the grace of imperfection.

Don't say anything. He hurt you. I don't discount that at all. But here you are still caring for him, visiting him, loving him. That's the energy you want to put out into the world. Not a last reminder to a dying man that he was an SOB. 🤷‍♂

❤🙏❤
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@sarabee1995 Well that's why I said I'd end it on a positive note and my love for my dad. But to say absolutely nothing doesn't feel right either. But, I may say nothing. I'm still unsure. I'd be phrasing it in what I wish our relationship could have been, and how as a dad I wished he could have been on my side, and not a psychotic narcissists. I appreciate your words Sara🌺
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
There's a part of this that might be looked upon as a reckoning. Still, do what you think is best, don't expect a full feeling of closure, be glad with what you get. Feel good about YOUR actions.

Your dad was, at the very least, a flying monkey to your mother. You would be totally justified by walking away. Anything else you do or offer should serve your own comfort during this time. Be proud that you can do what neither of your parents were able to do, which was be merciful.

We're here for you.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@uncalled4 Ty so much 🌸
twiigss · M
From what I've been told, regarding how to handle someone's death, if they wrote a will it should technically be in there.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@twiigss I don't believe he's written one.
twiigss · M
@Coralmist I haven't written one either, but I probably should
GovanDUNNY · M
Dont briing up the past with him, help and comfort him to the inevitable. Do the right thing .
Ask him about his wishes regarding his funeral.
GovanDUNNY · M
@bijouxbroussard And if it upsets him badly 😢, she will never get over it , it was the psycho mother more than her dad who was complicit in her evilness
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@GovanDUNNY Yes it was. My mom more, but he did comply fully and never took us away from her . But like I said it's not like I'm going to go on for an hour, if he's too upset I drop it. He's still my dad and I love him but I may say it in a gentle way, how I felt. I may not. I'm just thinking out loud here
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@bijouxbroussard Those are valid points Bijoux, ty for your ideas. I'm still torn..

 
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