Pretty sure I have an eating disorder in progress

Or maybe not. Or maybe. Been like questioning it sometimes. Because at the moment it's only sometimes I do this.
I've been exercising a lot which isn't the main issue. I exercise an hour a day, with a break every two days because of my knees needing a break.

Weirdly enough I'm worried I'll gain weight a lot even with all the exercise and change in diet. Like it's strange so I guess that was one red flag.

Other red flag started because occasionlly if I eat too much I'll throw it all up. Saves me on calories sometimes if I end up going overboard. If I eat too much to where I feel sick it makes more sense just to vomit it all up instead of be uncomfortable or possibly vomit later anyway.

But it's sort of become a habit, so that's something that I'm working on stopping, plus the overeating. Because it seemed harmless really at first, but then it kind of has become at frequent maybe to once a week. So I'm slowly working my way down and out of the habit again. Plus my bf told me he doesn't like it when I do it.

I have also developed the ability to vomit quitely or secretly even if I'm at someone's house. And I always clean up after myself at least, so there's that. But I realize it's a bad habit to have so🥲

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AntisocialTroll · 56-60, F

Bulimia? It fucks your teeth up and isn't a great idea.

I think you should talk to a professional about it before it does you too much damage.

Juvia · 18-21, F

@AntisocialTroll Yeah, Imma give it a few months and see if I can manage just getting it down while its not bad. Like just stop it and hopefully the compulsion dies down. To be fair it didn't seem bad. But all it took was once and then twice and now it's more of an urge to do it. So I'm hoping I can go back to normal on my own first and then if not then I'll go back to therapy.

AntisocialTroll · 56-60, F

@Juvia I personally think you'd be better off talking to someone sooner rather than later, it's not just about stopping the behaviours, it's about sorting out the underlying mental illness part of it.

The risk is that if you don't sort the mental health part, then as soon as you become particularly stressed or anxious you are likely to fall back into the same behaviour.

It can become almost like an addiction that is hellishly difficult to stop and it really does screw up your teeth and can give you permanent damage to your digestive system.

I know you're strong and likely feel you can deal with stopping the behaviours on your own but it's very important you deal with the underlying issue too.

AlchemyFox · 36-40, F

I started out binging and purging then came the starvation and overexercising. The long term effects are very unpleasant. Especially bulimia. I developed a hiatal hernia. And it also doesn't really save calories. You still are them.

Juvia · 18-21, F

@AlchemyFox If I throw it up right after technically it does save calories. But yeah, not good. I used to do a lot of overexercising along with calorie restriction when I was a teen, and went to therapy for that. Are they doing something for your hernia at all? Thankfully I don't have a hernia. Least yet.

But I'm not really trying to go down the bulimia road if I can help it. So I'm hoping maybe since it's early once I stop or at least taper down on the episodes, then maybe the compulsion to vomit will also go down. Hopefully.

AlchemyFox · 36-40, F

@Juvia I hope so too sweet lady. Because it's not actually worth it. There's nothing they can do about the hernia because it's not bad enough, but I am almost always nauseated. I have no indicator of if I'm hungry or full. I'm just out of whack. It's been years since I started trying to balance and I still haven't quite gotten there.

I feel bad for my sisters in this because we get a lot of pressure to be thin. But from what I've read, you are loved just as you are. I hope you see yourself for the beauty you are 🖤

Persephone · 51-55, F

You've got some unhealthy behaviours going there. It is a good thing that you recognise that.
Would you say you know and understand the mental state and thought processes driving those behaviours?
Or are you aware you might be Neurodivergent? (If you are Autistic/ have ADHD or OCD you may be more at risk)

It's ridiculously difficult to get help unless you're obviously deathly skinny, so peer support/ recovery is really important.

My FoR: ADHD + Autistic with a mostly dormant but frustratingly persistent ED

Juvia · 18-21, F

@Persephone Yeah, I kind of have an idea already about whats going on with me. I'm just hoping if I stop now that I can go back to normal and I won't get anymore weird thoughts about wanting to vomit lmfao.
I guess it became something I thought about as dangerous when it started becoming somethng I started thinking about right after I eat.

Persephone · 51-55, F

@Juvia You're right. What makes an Eating Disorder an Eating Disorder is essentially the mental illness, the thoughts and anxieties that drive the behaviours. If you are able to stop now, do. And if you're able to get some therapy to help you stay away from unhelpful thinking and behaviours, I recommend it.good luck x

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

That's not good. I know a little about ARFID, but that's not what this is. You're at least aware of it. Is there someone you can talk to about it?

Juvia · 18-21, F

@uncalled4 I was thinking its on the road to a binge eating disorder or something. I guess it became something I'm aware of now because if I eat something like a cookie or whatnot, sometimes it's easier to just eat it and then throw it up later so I get the satisfaction of eating it and then I don't have to worry about calories. Ikr, it nasty😅 And I don't do often, but it's become to where thats what I think about after eating something that I consider a cheat meal. So yeah, I'm putting a halt to it.

And other than that I noticed sometimes I get nauseous easier I think because my body is getting used to vomiting stuff up. Pretty nasty.

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