I think I am asexual

@Ontheroad Right. And I would very much like to change. But wanting to change and actually being able to change are entirely different. As attested by everyone who has ever been subjected to Conversion Therapy. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it very much.

@ShadowSister I wonder if you were in a long-term platonic (with overtones of romance) relationship, would it not maybe progress from platonic to sexual?

@Ontheroad If I was straight it maybe could. Guys can usually turn from friends to lovers with no issues. Girls aren't generally like that.

@MerryMilkshake The emotions that come up as I read your comment are, "They're going to reject me. And even if they don't, they should. Because eww, ain't nobody here for this." It's a defensive position intended to shield me from a place of extreme vulnerability. Even with the anonymity of the internet to protect me, this is a very difficult topic for me to explore. I really appreciate your feedback and comments to help draw this stuff out.

@ShadowSister yeah sometimes it's necessary to teach your brain how it's supposed to react to stuff.

You just put yourself in a situation that is verifiably safe but that still triggers those feelings, then when those feelings come up, you cling to rational descriptions of the situation. For example, if this internet conversation triggers those feelings, then you must appeal to the logical part of your brain and tell yourself "I am safe in this situation" "I am in complete control" "I am feeling rejected, but that's okay because that's not real" "I am feeling disgusting, but that's okay because that's not true" "I am feeling inadequate, but I am always enough for myself and for the people who love me" etc etc. If you do that in enough situations that trigger those feelings, eventually something magical happens and the irrational part of your brain learns to stop reacting to negatively. But you gotta teach that part of you.

@MerryMilkshake Maybe. But also maybe that's just how I am? What if the reason I feel that way is not because of feeling inadequate? What if it's the other way around, and feeling inadequate comes from being asexual? Or perhaps the two feed into each other like a vicious circle.

I've tried and tried and tried... and tried and tried and tried and tried to rewire my brain. But it doesn't rewire. I miss having a sexual partner. In theory. But in practice, no. I just think, maybe I'm done trying to get myself to become something I'm not.

@ShadowSister yes.. it's the kick of voyeurism for while indulging in sex we get so close to our partner that we can't see anything, but only feel and imagine. But in case of cinema we see the other's indulgence in total..

The dark room effect is that we get to imagine fully with a partner like in cybersex/ phonesex. Any experience of phone sex or cybersex?

@in10RjFox Phone sex, once in college. I hated it. Cybersex, a few times in chat, only when I was pretending to be someone else. If anyone wants a pic from me, I can send it, but I'm immediately going to hate myself and we're done. So that means basically no one on SW because everyone wants to know it's the "real" you, and I hate lying to pretend I'm someone else.

@ShadowSister Looks like there was no bonding with your mate, and phonesex n cybersex happened just as task or ritual, which would never work. It should happen and not made to happen.. and none of them require a pic .. the art and fun is in using only either's imagination and voice.

@Morvoren See I'm jealous. I wish I could be that.

Rattler cider sounds pretty damn good right now. That's actually another part of what makes me think I'm ace actually, drinking makes me more self-conscious about my sexuality rather than less. Makes me think it's intrinsic to who I really am, and not just fear of social taboos.

@ShadowSister Don’t be jealous. That period of time includes memories that to this day make me cringe with embarrassment. I made an absolute fool of myself on a frequent basis.

The only saving grace being it was a step on the journey to finding the man I’m now married to, who frankly makes every aspect of my life better in some shape or another.

@Morvoren That's a good reminder that it's easy to look at others and see all the problems we have that they don't. We are much less likely to notice the ways they have problems that we don't.

@SW-User I have a lot of friends that identify as demisexual. That seems to be a pretty good catchall as well. Ultimately labels are there to help us on our journeys, not dictate to us how we ought to live. I have started resonating with the microlabel "aegosexual," which is someone who is turned off by the thought of themselves in a sexual experience.

@DiegoWolfe 🤗

@Glassysky You keep calling it a "niche fetish site." I'm not on the fetish side of SW. Those folks are definitely here, but there are others. I mean, I wasn't a fan of your comment, but that doesn't mean I got my panties all up in a bundle either.

@ShadowSister Thats because this is what it primarily is though. I understand that, but Im just saying my behaviour isnt abnormal given the nature of this platform.

Nevertheless, I do apolagize to you for the comment.

@Glassysky Thank you, I appreciate that. All good. I wasn't mad or anything. I wouldn't have even said anything if @Sorceress hadn't spoken up.

@allygator18 Took me a minute to catch that one.

If I had a C-section, would that make me csexual?

@ShadowSister I would be Ssexual .. sapiosexual..