I think I am asexual

Thanks, @Sandcastler! I have actually wondered a few times if I'm on the autistic spectrum. I did a self-test on the internet and did not hit the range to be considered on the spectrum, but I was not that far out of range. And I do tend to gravitate towards friends who are neuro-divergent.

So that's a really good question. Your comment really made me think a lot. I'm not actually bothered by the act of sex itself if I'm with a partner I trust. But I haven't had a partner like that in years because getting to that point is the part that feels "eww."

Okay, so imagine the most unsexy person in the world to you. And then imagine them trying to be all seductive and failing. That is how I feel about my sexuality. I feel like, "I'm not going to try to be sexy because, eww, nobody's here for that." Despite plenty of people making it clear that they WOULD be here for that. I just think they have extremely bad taste. Not because I have any objective reasons for thinking so, but because I just feel that way deep in my gut.

But yes, if I could get past that part of the relationship with someone, I'm sure I would be fine.

@ShadowSister
Perhaps keep in mind that autism diagnosis methods for women are much less well studied than for men.

But it sounds like you may have a somewhat difficult relationship with your sexuality, and perhaps wit h your body?

I think it's good to remember that in some sense the relationship that a sexual partner has with your body is actually more intimate than your own relationship with your body. So it's not always enough for you to treat your body well, and to think of your body in a positive light, sometimes you need someone else to do that as well in order to heal.

@Sandcastler The emotions that come up as I read your comment are, "They're going to reject me. And even if they don't, they should. Because eww, ain't nobody here for this." It's a defensive position intended to shield me from a place of extreme vulnerability. Even with the anonymity of the internet to protect me, this is a very difficult topic for me to explore. I really appreciate your feedback and comments to help draw this stuff out.

@ShadowSister yeah sometimes it's necessary to teach your brain how it's supposed to react to stuff.

You just put yourself in a situation that is verifiably safe but that still triggers those feelings, then when those feelings come up, you cling to rational descriptions of the situation. For example, if this internet conversation triggers those feelings, then you must appeal to the logical part of your brain and tell yourself "I am safe in this situation" "I am in complete control" "I am feeling rejected, but that's okay because that's not real" "I am feeling disgusting, but that's okay because that's not true" "I am feeling inadequate, but I am always enough for myself and for the people who love me" etc etc. If you do that in enough situations that trigger those feelings, eventually something magical happens and the irrational part of your brain learns to stop reacting to negatively. But you gotta teach that part of you.

@Sandcastler Maybe. But also maybe that's just how I am? What if the reason I feel that way is not because of feeling inadequate? What if it's the other way around, and feeling inadequate comes from being asexual? Or perhaps the two feed into each other like a vicious circle.

I've tried and tried and tried... and tried and tried and tried and tried to rewire my brain. But it doesn't rewire. I miss having a sexual partner. In theory. But in practice, no. I just think, maybe I'm done trying to get myself to become something I'm not.