I Am In Counseling

@Autumn - Thank you for your reply. This is probably the most difficult time in my life. We are going to work on individual counselling too, and he will be taking a course for abusers, which will last 28 weeks. I think there are so many emotions to go through, and though he is FINALLY sorry and admitted that he never felt guilty before but he does now - that really hurt. All of those times he said I"m sorry. NOW he means it. Well, wonderful for him, and I forgive him - but that doesn't erase the past for me.
I suppose I worry about pulling my daughter's world apart now that he has decided to be a good father and a healthy person. He cleans the house, does the dishes, makes dinner, speaks respectfully.... Now... after 20 years of tiptoeing around this guy... NOW he's working on it. And I feel like the bad guy for not wanting intimacy with this person... for not wanting to rebuild a marriage that was a farce for so long.

I hate feeling guilty because every time he looks at me with that sad expression and that longing - I think about the times I was alone and cried, the times he hit or screamed or berated or violated my person with words or hands or fists or brandishing a knife or a gun or... more hurtful words. Why do I feel like this is MY fault?!

No, I don't want her to witness anymore, and I can't guarantee that he will not return to those old behaviors, and I can't move beyond them. I don't want to inflict my anger or even my apathy on him.

I just hope I"m doing the right thing.

During the last couple of years of my marriage I sought individual counseling as a last attempt to save my marriage. A while after, my ex began individual counseling... And then we went for a while together until he stopped showing up.
I think what you heard is true... Sometimes in abusive relationships one person will begin to heal and get better, thus, not feeding into the abuse and enabling which causes the dysfunctional dynamics to change ( this was the case with me). However, If both people are on board then there's always hope for the relationship to heal I think....

I'm sorry to read what is a very difficult time for you; and of course your daughter. Through experience I understand where you are coming from and in honesty couples counselling isn't what is needed here. He obviously has problems HE needs to deal with and you yourself need help. How are you meant to speak openly when the guy whose abused you for so long is sat in the room? With that, you need to concentrate on your own health and your daughter. Just because parents don't live together doesn't mean a Childs relationship with their parent they don't live with breaks down; in some cases it makes it stronger. Yes for her dad it is going to be difficult BUT that's his problem not yours. The feelings I'm getting is that you feel conflicted of what's right and what you're used to. You also seem to be hard on yourself which in honesty, I can understand but you are a human being, nobody is perfect. In times like this I put myself in my children's shoes. Do you want your daughter to witness anymore? To grow believing this is what marriage and parenting is? If he doesn't make and effort with his child - that's all on him, you can't force that and know that your daughter in time will respect you more especially when she becomes a women and even a mother herself.

This will be our first session. If I force him out, that will end his relationship with his daughter, and I think as long as he is sincere about wanting to change, I am ok with him moving in that direction. He has pubilcally admitted what he is - on social media - and what he has done. He is taking steps to go through a 24 week training course, steps to educate himself as far as getting a degree, and I have been honest about where this is going. So, my hope is that this can be very adult, he can heal, and he can remain in his daughter's life.

I can see healing the dynamic as parents, but I can't see staying together.

Moon: Why is that your job? To get him independent I mean?
I am not qualified, of course, to tell you how to handle things.
Just worried, as abusers only stick to things when they think they will get what they want and if he wants you,that is dangerous.
Has the counselor suggested a separation?

What type of abuse?

Yes - he has no where to go, but he is respecting my boundaries so far. We have a daughter. He seems committed to changing. We shall see, but I'm trying to get him to the point of independence so that he can move out.

Physical, verbal, emotional for 20 years.

Are you still living with the abuser?

Best of luck to you.

My experience is that things actually get MORE tough at the beginning of counseling, like dust is getting stirred up. It's the opposite of what you'd think. Stay with it. You'll know if it is working, or, sadly, that things are beyond repair.