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I Am In Counseling

So, today is our first counseling session, and everything I have read about my situation and others like it suggests that couples counseling is a bad idea with abusive relationships. Evidently, it can make the abused feel at fault for the abuses. Well, I stayed, so in some way, I am at fault for enabling this mess. However, I do not feel in any way responsible for his actions. None. But, I do have bad habits that I would like to break. I"m just wondering how long we will continue counseling together. On some level, I think it should be individual - at least until I have an idea of the behaviors I need to rethink and correct. Who knows... maybe this is a good way to start?

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SW-User

@Autumn - Thank you for your reply. This is probably the most difficult time in my life. We are going to work on individual counselling too, and he will be taking a course for abusers, which will last 28 weeks. I think there are so many emotions to go through, and though he is FINALLY sorry and admitted that he never felt guilty before but he does now - that really hurt. All of those times he said I"m sorry. NOW he means it. Well, wonderful for him, and I forgive him - but that doesn't erase the past for me.
I suppose I worry about pulling my daughter's world apart now that he has decided to be a good father and a healthy person. He cleans the house, does the dishes, makes dinner, speaks respectfully.... Now... after 20 years of tiptoeing around this guy... NOW he's working on it. And I feel like the bad guy for not wanting intimacy with this person... for not wanting to rebuild a marriage that was a farce for so long.

I hate feeling guilty because every time he looks at me with that sad expression and that longing - I think about the times I was alone and cried, the times he hit or screamed or berated or violated my person with words or hands or fists or brandishing a knife or a gun or... more hurtful words. Why do I feel like this is MY fault?!

No, I don't want her to witness anymore, and I can't guarantee that he will not return to those old behaviors, and I can't move beyond them. I don't want to inflict my anger or even my apathy on him.

I just hope I"m doing the right thing.