Is cheating a deal breaker for you?
I am 97% sure that my bf slept with someone else on Saturday. My friends are telling me to leave him, but I don't necessarily feel the same way. I want to talk about it and try to fix it. Thoughts?
22-25, F
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He is the one who needs to be "fixed". This was not a mistake, if he did this. He deliberately cheated on you and betrayed you. That is not a man I would have around me. I would feel that if he did it once, he will do it again. You cannot change someone like this. If he was a decent man, I feel like he never would have cheated on you in the first place. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship. I think you're making a huge mistake. A person who loves another person, if they were decent, would never cheat on their partner or even think about it. In my opinion, he's a big jerk and he would be out of my life forever. You definitely deserve better.
indyjoe · 56-60, M
I used to think that I would be mature enough and if the love was strong/real enough that I'd be able to work through and repair such a situation...however, when it actually happened to me my thoughts and feelings on the subject changed. I tried to forgive and work it out, I wanted to save the relationship/marriage...she continued to lie & cheat and made a complete fool of me. So from that time on, yes, cheating is a deal breaker (regardless of how long we are together).
Abstraction · 61-69, M
Important rule in relationships:
*** Respect yourself. Respect is the value you put on yourself. Others recognise that value - you give them permission to treat you in a certain way based on this.***
Do you want to fix it because you think it's fixable or because you need him? If it's because you need him, I'd suggest read the rule above.
Sometimes it can be fixed, but it takes character. You can't fix him. He has to have character.
*** Respect yourself. Respect is the value you put on yourself. Others recognise that value - you give them permission to treat you in a certain way based on this.***
Do you want to fix it because you think it's fixable or because you need him? If it's because you need him, I'd suggest read the rule above.
Sometimes it can be fixed, but it takes character. You can't fix him. He has to have character.
4meAndyou · F
It has always been a deal breaker for me, and was the basis for two of my divorces. The behaviors you tolerate in any partner will be repeated. Ask yourself this...(not just, is he always having safe sex and will come back to me clean),...do you want a bf or partner who is out there shopping for other people? WHY is he shopping for other people? I don't think it's because he is SO deeply in love with you.
Busybee333 · 31-35, F
First make sure it's true. Second think clearly how you feel about it.
Deceit is disrespectful and kills trust - without trust the relationship tilts.
Personally I know I'd feel devalued.. I'd talk with him.. in the end I'd probably let him go and move on with my life.
Temporary pain is better than a lifetime of being with the wrong person.
Time is precious. You are precious. You deserve to smile every day - do what speaks to your heart :D 💕
Deceit is disrespectful and kills trust - without trust the relationship tilts.
Personally I know I'd feel devalued.. I'd talk with him.. in the end I'd probably let him go and move on with my life.
Temporary pain is better than a lifetime of being with the wrong person.
Time is precious. You are precious. You deserve to smile every day - do what speaks to your heart :D 💕
TonyPajamas · 22-25
soulsrespite · F
SW-User
@soulsrespite oh
Montanaman · M
A heart to heart conversation is needed to fix this, if it can be fixed. One of those 4 fucking Am talks, that he knows you're serious. Complete honesty is the key, and yes it may hurt, but it's the only thing that can prevent total destruction of your relationship.😔🤗💞
nahright09 · 41-45, M
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
vetguy1991 · 51-55, M
CharlieZ · 70-79, M
@Sarahcantstop Individualism is not the basis of Democracy, you equate Democracy with market economy, which is, of course based in individualism.
And that shapes mind so much that, as with market, they also make of couples a zero-sum game.
Exactly THAT worldview is what is behind that "People get married or get into similar arrangements for that the other person can do for them. That’s the reality. It may be a financial benefit, or status, or protection, loneliness or societal pressure".
Ok, but do not call it love.
It would be a fraud.
To naturalize that state of things as acceptable is like taking as normal the average human body temperatures.. meassured during an epidemia of an infectious dissease.
Of course, a "normal" distribution, with a sick average.
And from that point of view, with axis in the individual (psychology is still Ptolemaic in lack of it´s Galileo), what else may be if not possesion?
To explain teams as the axis of love is, here, like explaining planetary orbits in Flatland (Abbott).
Makes not sense to you: even about love, or someone is the owner or is owned.
What you call imaginary perfection is daily life for not all but some and not a few ones.
But, against the above, "Millions of flies CAN´T be wrong!! Eat SHIT (registered Mark)".
Lady, to each one their choice.
Have it and be happy, with my blessings.
I do not buy it. Not for me.
And that shapes mind so much that, as with market, they also make of couples a zero-sum game.
Exactly THAT worldview is what is behind that "People get married or get into similar arrangements for that the other person can do for them. That’s the reality. It may be a financial benefit, or status, or protection, loneliness or societal pressure".
Ok, but do not call it love.
It would be a fraud.
To naturalize that state of things as acceptable is like taking as normal the average human body temperatures.. meassured during an epidemia of an infectious dissease.
Of course, a "normal" distribution, with a sick average.
And from that point of view, with axis in the individual (psychology is still Ptolemaic in lack of it´s Galileo), what else may be if not possesion?
To explain teams as the axis of love is, here, like explaining planetary orbits in Flatland (Abbott).
Makes not sense to you: even about love, or someone is the owner or is owned.
What you call imaginary perfection is daily life for not all but some and not a few ones.
But, against the above, "Millions of flies CAN´T be wrong!! Eat SHIT (registered Mark)".
Lady, to each one their choice.
Have it and be happy, with my blessings.
I do not buy it. Not for me.
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CharlieZ · 70-79, M
@Sarahcantstop You are right … to a point
Democracy is not necessarily linked to market.
Democracies linked to market are based on individualism.
Not because Democracy is necessarily linked to individualism but only because market is.
So, let the Democracy (or not) out of the debate, is irrelevant to this specific one.
BTW the "Why is that any worse than him bowling with her?" is one of the best jokes I´ve Heard in years.
Of the nonsense kind, of course.
Thank you for sharing it.
Well, to the point.
"If she’s really not treating him as a valuable asset, why does she care if he sticks his penis into some other girl? Why is that any worse than him bowling with her? She’s worried the other girls’ sexual attraction is going to have more appeal than hers and therefore the investment she made in this guy isn’t going to pay off."
This is a good economic market based analysis of couples.
Should I say (related to my previous assertions): "Quod erat demonstrandum"?
But, against my own above words, I´ll take the freedom (of also democracy) as criteria instead of the individualism of market laws.
That means:
Is your right, no debate, to accept a partnership with the societal contractual agreement that you describe so well.
Is my freedom to avoid that kind of contracts for the same reasons I do not find desirable an irrecverable teeth ache.
And same as in that case, the choosed solution is extraction: to make her / him an Ex. And...ASAP.
Democracy is not necessarily linked to market.
Democracies linked to market are based on individualism.
Not because Democracy is necessarily linked to individualism but only because market is.
So, let the Democracy (or not) out of the debate, is irrelevant to this specific one.
BTW the "Why is that any worse than him bowling with her?" is one of the best jokes I´ve Heard in years.
Of the nonsense kind, of course.
Thank you for sharing it.
Well, to the point.
"If she’s really not treating him as a valuable asset, why does she care if he sticks his penis into some other girl? Why is that any worse than him bowling with her? She’s worried the other girls’ sexual attraction is going to have more appeal than hers and therefore the investment she made in this guy isn’t going to pay off."
This is a good economic market based analysis of couples.
Should I say (related to my previous assertions): "Quod erat demonstrandum"?
But, against my own above words, I´ll take the freedom (of also democracy) as criteria instead of the individualism of market laws.
That means:
Is your right, no debate, to accept a partnership with the societal contractual agreement that you describe so well.
Is my freedom to avoid that kind of contracts for the same reasons I do not find desirable an irrecverable teeth ache.
And same as in that case, the choosed solution is extraction: to make her / him an Ex. And...ASAP.
Awfullybrave · F
Sunnykel76 · 46-50, F
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It doesn't matter what is acceptable to others. It depends on what is acceptable to you or how upsetting it is to you. If you are going to accept it though you have to totally forgive him for it. Bringing it up again won't work in the long run. It's ultimately how much it will bother you in the long run. Some people are less bothered by their partner sleeping around than others. It depends on what that means to you.
SAandME · 56-60, M
I don't know never had a relationship based on a deal mine have been based on feelings, respect, love and understanding. If they are still in place i would try to fix it but if they are only working in one direction it is time to call it a day.
SAandME · 56-60, M
@indyjoe Deal: an agreement entered into by two or more parties for their mutual benefit, especially in a business or political context.
I know it is common place to use the term but from a personal point of view that i do not like it as it is a cold, unloving, business like word. However the advice is the same if it is a two way deal "for mutual benefit" then try to fix it, if it is a one sided deal then break the deal.
I know it is common place to use the term but from a personal point of view that i do not like it as it is a cold, unloving, business like word. However the advice is the same if it is a two way deal "for mutual benefit" then try to fix it, if it is a one sided deal then break the deal.
bijouxbroussard · F
SW-User
Well, this explains your earlier post about him not wanting much sex..
He's probably been cheating for a while now..
I wonder how this worked out since this post is a few months old.
🤔
He's probably been cheating for a while now..
I wonder how this worked out since this post is a few months old.
🤔
Blueeyeblondie · 22-25, F
SW-User
@Blueeyeblondie
I'm happy to hear that..
It didn't sound good but fortunately it wasn't what we thought..
I'm happy to hear that..
It didn't sound good but fortunately it wasn't what we thought..
Depends a lot on how strong is the bond. Two hands are needed to clap too. If they realise their mistake n know they ain't supposed to repeat, it is gud for their ownself too.
indyjoe · 56-60, M
@sspec I agree with you to an extent...however it has been my personal observations (as well as my personal experience) the "once a cheater, always a cheater" is usually true. In my opinion if a person "makes a mistake" (referring to cheating on their SO), the bond wasn't that strong. It is rare that a "mistake" is made and it never happens again.
ExtremeNext · 31-35
I had him for 1 night, don't be to hard on him
No man can resist me
No man can resist me
SW-User
@ExtremeNext 😂😂😂
AnarchoMetalchic · 36-40
If you know for sure and you're not married, absolutely!
nedkelly · 61-69, M
What are you a psychic? either he cheated or he did not
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You betcha it is!
bijouxbroussard · F
What about it can you fix ? The trust ? You didn’t “break” it. Once you know you can’t trust your partner, there’s not much left. If [b]he[/b] wants to work towards fixing things (like agreeing to counseling), you might have a chance. Without that, it’s just a question of the next time.