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what hurt you the most?

this is free space, let it out.

what hurt me the most....it actually wasn't my dads drinking. it wasn't even his death when I was 11. it wasn't even finding his body.

it wasn't even the fact that I inherited about 300,000. To stay in savings until I turned 18.

our house, was perfect to me. small blue collar place but in a decent suburb.

I am not sure, why my mom wanted to "fix" it. No, it wasn't because of his death. They were divorced, he kept the house. But, when he died she moved back in of course. Backstory: when they first bought the house it was her dream house (basic house but she fell in love with the window facing the backyard, because she knew she wanted many kids and wanted to see them play). So its not like she wanted to remodel it to remove memories. she loved that house.

But, piece by piece, it was stripped.

exposed drywall, bare, base, plywood floors.

When I was about 14, my sister was 18...and in a bad crowd... one of her ex friends threw a brick through our living room window. it was about an 8 foot across window. very big.

we put up wooden boards to cover it.

not just wooden boards.... no. huge wooden sheets went across the space that was a window, and to hold it, long wooden logs attached to the window and floor. Picture below.

are you thinking my mom spent the inheritance on a remodel?

you are wrong.

our house stayed like that for years. until I was about 19.

in reality, my mom was somehow able to access my savings and spent it all at the casino.

I didn't know that....so when I turned 18.....big surprise.

it wasn't the shock of zero dollars that got me.

it was the fact that, she didn't even spend a dime to finish our home.

even more basic than that.....she didn't even spend a dime to get us therapy.

its the fact that, she had all that money, and she didn't try to save us.

the whole time, she said we were poor. "I cant afford that". "I dont know if I can make that payment". the WHOLE time, she put financial burden on a child.

that was, my biggest betrayal. I love(d) my mom. she isn't like most moms. shes a best friend and a mom all in one. shes always known every secret and everything about me.

and Ive buried that sadness.

because.....I love her. and I cant....accept, the hurt. I cant take it in. or I would be destroyed.

there are parts I left out,

I cant even say more than that, my brain closed off that trauma before I could finish typing it.

I know I need therapy because the person I love most, hurt me the most. and I can't process that.

cherokeepatti · 61-69, F
Gambling addiction has caused all sorts of problems in Oklahoma where I live. It has the most Indian casinos of any state. I know a woman who’s husband (who is in his 70’s and still running a business, sold one of his two businesses & had over a million put in their savings account. She started going on trips for about 2 years and gambling but it was mostly gambling.She would gamble any chance she got. Would lie to the family saying she was going to a doctor in the next state. She’d be at the casino, I was there (and I didn’t go often) and saw her, she would act like she didn’t see me. Won some jackpots on slots which just made it worse. By the time her daughter was ready for college they barely had money for a new computer. People losing everything they have even their jobs because they were always wanting to gamble. Stealing from jobs and getting caught, the money was being gambled to try to win back money lost previously. Parents leaving their toddlers or young children in cars alone while they were inside gambling, several incidents of it including one last week when the car was carjacked with the child inside. And then there are drug addicts who hang out in some of the casinos watching the players when they win a bit of money, follow them to their cars at night and rob them.
CestManan · 46-50, F
@cherokeepatti Of course a lot of states and I believe on the federal level, gambling is a lot more legal recently than in the past.

Real nice how our "leaders" put it out there knowing lives would be ruined. Kind of like other things they impose on the public.
cherokeepatti · 61-69, F
@CestManan oh yeah almost forgot about my brother-in-laws Union treasurer stealing their insurance funds to cover his gambling losses thinking he could win it back. They didn’t have money for health insurance for a period of time due to that and it was before casinos were legalized here….this guy lost the $ in Vegas
thepreposterouspanda · 31-35, M
Becoming chronically ill and disabled. It stole my entire world from me and I've spent over a decade trying to scrape little bits of it back together.
Sidewinder · 36-40, M
Two things.

Once, when I was 11, I felt upset when a classmate and close friend of mine moved away and of all the people in the world, he and I had a real mutual rapport with each other.

Later, in my 4th year of High School, it was a whole host of things.

I ended up in classes I didn't want to end up in, I had a falling out with a couple of friends over a few differences of opinion, I had a few personal problems at home, it was just tough all over.

One day, that year, I got suspended from School, after being provoked into an altercation that made me feel so ashamed, that I almost committed suicide when I got home.

Now, I say [i]almost,[/i] because there were a few things I wanted to be alive for, that night, in spite of everything else that transpired before it.

Now I realize, that in recounting this tale, that there are some details I'm choosing to leave out and that's because there are things that are just too painful for me to reveal.
TheOrionbeltseeker · 36-40, M
@Sidewinder I got my childhood revised a bit in it.
Sidewinder · 36-40, M
@TheOrionbeltseeker "Revised?" Don't you mean "revisited?"
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
My dad hurt me the most in my life. I grew up with a person who never gave a shit about my life. He was a person who kept his family as a priority. That's not wrong but to burn us so that they'd be happy wasn't something I could digest.

This is how I grew up, we moved from place to place not because we couldn't afford a house. He earned well and he spent all his money for his siblings who screwed him eventually. The man was an imbecile who paid 75% for a house to just abandon it towards the end. To this day, we move around because my mom alone couldn't afford to buy a house then. Real estate prices shot up leaving us in the dust like idiots.

Well if he stopped at that, I wouldn't say anything else. But he didn't. He controlled the way I wore clothes. I wasn't allowed to wear any shirts I liked. It was always what he bought and approved of. Same goes for the food yet he'd never pay for my education but fight with my mother. I loved soccer but wasn't allowed to play it.

Growing up, I remember buying food from KFC and hiding in a corner to eat at home because it was like I was consuming drugs and I was 20 years old then.

In fact, he manipulated me by telling me he'd buy a car for me if I studied well. It wasn't until a few minutes later that he revealed that he needed me to fix the computer of his nephew. I denied to do so and he put that anger towards my mother.

I wasn't even allowed to use his car lol. I remember asking him once because I needed to go somewhere and his response was "if you touch my car, I'll burn it.". Yeah that's the dad of the year award. Laughing was a crime too.

In the end, he ended up cheating on my mom. Blamed her for doing so when he was the evil one. Spent all his savings on that ***** and left us stranded when he died. He even threatened to leech on my mom if she gave him a divorce.

Months before he died, he had planned to move his stuff and ditch us. Sadly his move failed and he died weeks later.

If there's a lesson I learned from all this. I learnt to never be like him. The trauma he caused will last a lifetime for me. My entire life is f***** because of what he did. My education, the way he put his money away and how he spent on that woman ended us. My friend's dad earned less than him and he still has a better life while I keep moving around trying to survive. I really don't know how long will the model sustain.
TheOrionbeltseeker · 36-40, M
Thank you for sharing. I hope you feel less burdened now.
TheOrionbeltseeker · 36-40, M
@HellsBelle I wanted to join a particular job when I was 16, I got selected in the written exam and then I got rejected by the board.

I again appeared and again got selected but in revenge, I didn't even go for interview and that was my dream job.
HellsBelle · 31-35, F
TheOrionbeltseeker · 36-40, M
@HellsBelle That's not something I wanna remember 😂
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HellsBelle · 31-35, F
@Kingfish1 Do you think, you will never care again?
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HellsBelle · 31-35, F
@Kingfish1 I hope you do, someday. theres still time
CestManan · 46-50, F
Nothing real dramatic, just the typical minor bullying, rejection, and normal teenage BS we all went through.

Maybe just the realization that people I thought were such good friends were nothing of the sort. I had my mom and sister but they have both since passed away.
Maybe how I have been mostly single for 11 1/2 years.

Life's typical bull.

@HellsBelle I know it is just one part but the window - even if it had been fixed, who is to say the SOB who did it wouldn't have done it again? Speculation I guess.
GuyWithOpinions · 31-35, M
Im sorry for your pain...
What hurt me the most: this guy has been sabatoging my reputation for 15 years. I dont know what he said or did this time but everyone i worked with in the past 3 seems to think i did something really bad and wont say. I have to try extra hard to be the best i can be. I cant just have a friend. I have to prove that im not what they think first and i dont even know what they think.
Lostpoet · M
I'm sorry you had to go through that and learn that kind of life lesson from someone that's supposed to have your best interests at heart.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
Your mother is probably a gambling addict, one of the most destructive addictions and very hard to beat.
Coppercoil · M
That is a true trauma and tragedy. God I'm so sorry.
HellsBelle · 31-35, F
@Coppercoil this post wasnt about me. its about what hurt YOU. so what was it?
Coppercoil · M
@HellsBelle

In the absence of love. The love of a father. In that absence.. other things fill that hole. Things like abuse and cruelty. When somthing isn't there where it should be you, and others, try to fill that hole and all two often what it's filled with is pain and misery, others as well as your own. Those who abused knew I had no one to protect me and no one to model my sense of self after. And after they had been removed from my life, their words and actions continued to fill that hole but now it was my own voice carying their cruelties, undermining me and assuring me that I would never have the life I deserved.
Iwillwait · M
I am so sorry you went through that.
HellsBelle · 31-35, F
@Iwillwait its over now. but please share, who/what hurt you?
Iwillwait · M
@HellsBelleOST My wounds are self inflicted. Not cutting or self harming or anything like that, I am far too self centered and chicken shit for all that. I just spent a life-time self medicating to make sure I feel nothing until I became just that, "Nothing," slowly disappearing from existence.
Firestarter · 26-30, F
Sorry 🤗
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HellsBelle · 31-35, F
@RogueLoner lol that made me grin
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HellsBelle · 31-35, F

 
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