what hurt me the most....it actually wasn't my dads drinking. it wasn't even his death when I was 11. it wasn't even finding his body.
it wasn't even the fact that I inherited about 300,000. To stay in savings until I turned 18.
our house, was perfect to me. small blue collar place but in a decent suburb.
I am not sure, why my mom wanted to "fix" it. No, it wasn't because of his death. They were divorced, he kept the house. But, when he died she moved back in of course. Backstory: when they first bought the house it was her dream house (basic house but she fell in love with the window facing the backyard, because she knew she wanted many kids and wanted to see them play). So its not like she wanted to remodel it to remove memories. she loved that house.
But, piece by piece, it was stripped.
exposed drywall, bare, base, plywood floors.
When I was about 14, my sister was 18...and in a bad crowd... one of her ex friends threw a brick through our living room window. it was about an 8 foot across window. very big.
we put up wooden boards to cover it.
not just wooden boards.... no. huge wooden sheets went across the space that was a window, and to hold it, long wooden logs attached to the window and floor. Picture below.
are you thinking my mom spent the inheritance on a remodel?
you are wrong.
our house stayed like that for years. until I was about 19.
in reality, my mom was somehow able to access my savings and spent it all at the casino.
I didn't know that....so when I turned 18.....big surprise.
it wasn't the shock of zero dollars that got me.
it was the fact that, she didn't even spend a dime to finish our home.
even more basic than that.....she didn't even spend a dime to get us therapy.
its the fact that, she had all that money, and she didn't try to save us.
the whole time, she said we were poor. "I cant afford that". "I dont know if I can make that payment". the WHOLE time, she put financial burden on a child.
that was, my biggest betrayal. I love(d) my mom. she isn't like most moms. shes a best friend and a mom all in one. shes always known every secret and everything about me.
and Ive buried that sadness.
because.....I love her. and I cant....accept, the hurt. I cant take it in. or I would be destroyed.
there are parts I left out,
I cant even say more than that, my brain closed off that trauma before I could finish typing it.
I know I need therapy because the person I love most, hurt me the most. and I can't process that.
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My dad hurt me the most in my life. I grew up with a person who never gave a shit about my life. He was a person who kept his family as a priority. That's not wrong but to burn us so that they'd be happy wasn't something I could digest.
This is how I grew up, we moved from place to place not because we couldn't afford a house. He earned well and he spent all his money for his siblings who screwed him eventually. The man was an imbecile who paid 75% for a house to just abandon it towards the end. To this day, we move around because my mom alone couldn't afford to buy a house then. Real estate prices shot up leaving us in the dust like idiots.
Well if he stopped at that, I wouldn't say anything else. But he didn't. He controlled the way I wore clothes. I wasn't allowed to wear any shirts I liked. It was always what he bought and approved of. Same goes for the food yet he'd never pay for my education but fight with my mother. I loved soccer but wasn't allowed to play it.
Growing up, I remember buying food from KFC and hiding in a corner to eat at home because it was like I was consuming drugs and I was 20 years old then.
In fact, he manipulated me by telling me he'd buy a car for me if I studied well. It wasn't until a few minutes later that he revealed that he needed me to fix the computer of his nephew. I denied to do so and he put that anger towards my mother.
I wasn't even allowed to use his car lol. I remember asking him once because I needed to go somewhere and his response was "if you touch my car, I'll burn it.". Yeah that's the dad of the year award. Laughing was a crime too.
In the end, he ended up cheating on my mom. Blamed her for doing so when he was the evil one. Spent all his savings on that ***** and left us stranded when he died. He even threatened to leech on my mom if she gave him a divorce.
Months before he died, he had planned to move his stuff and ditch us. Sadly his move failed and he died weeks later.
If there's a lesson I learned from all this. I learnt to never be like him. The trauma he caused will last a lifetime for me. My entire life is f***** because of what he did. My education, the way he put his money away and how he spent on that woman ended us. My friend's dad earned less than him and he still has a better life while I keep moving around trying to survive. I really don't know how long will the model sustain.
