Struggles & Identity > Thoughts

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Unpopular opinion: Ghosting isn't that big of a deal 👻

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I have always said that it's everyone's right to set up boundaries. The word no is one boundary. To cancel /reject/ break up / cut contact is another. And ghosting is a third.

All are different ways of sending a message. Sometimes it's personal. "I don't wanna talk to you anymore"

And sometimes it's not personal. Maybe someone didn't have energy or time to respond, maybe they forgot they didn't respond, maybe they're waiting for you to respond, maybe their phone died, maybe they had no reception, maybe they just were so stressed that they decided to take care of it later. Whatever the reason is. It's about their need rather than about hurting you.

Whatever the case may be. You have always the power and choice to reach out, you also have the power and choice to set a boundary too. This part is often forgotten. So instead you feel sorry for yourself, you feel hurt, you feel like the victim. And you do nothing about it.

I'm reminding you that you don't have to put yourself in such a petty situation to begin with. If you feel ghosted or ignored or rejected or mistreated. You can set a boundary and take charge.

Examples: "If you don't respond within the end of this day. I will assume we're over"

"You haven't answered me. So I'm gonna cancel our plans and plan something else"

"I don't like the way you wait x long to reply. If this is how you are gonna communicate, I don't wanna continue"

Bottom line is. Always have a plan B.

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GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

Well, a lot of times people are ok with something socially disrespectful until the shoe is on the other foot.

I think context matters. I.e., how long people were talking for and what the nature of interaction or relationship is (if any), and so on.

Functional healthy societies only work if people are willing to play ball.

If we create and uphold a toxic culture, then we continue to see a worsening of the atomization and lonliness epidemic present today.

Granted, there are many factors to this, but how we treat people matters.

People are losing respect for eachother and that is not good.

And I know I could do a better job in that reguard, too.

IMO it can be just a lazy and haphazard way of treating people.

It furthers an attitude towards others where everyone is just an interchangeable nothing.

And then eventually you'll end up in societies where people don't trust anyone.

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine Again, if you disregard enough people's feelings there is bound to be social blowback.

This sounds awfully a lot like incels who claim women owe men their time and their bodies. I sure hope that's not what you are insinuating because sex isn't charity.

Instead I would look at the reason why men lose themselves and their entire life purpose the second a woman isn't sexually interested.

Why can't these men be fine with just their family and friends? Many other men can. So what's the difference?

This message was deleted by the author of the main post.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine I will delete comments with a bad tone.

BeefySenpie · M

It's cowardly if the contact has been ongoing for a fair length of time. If not, no big deal

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BeefySenpie · M

@Queendragonfly Your attempts to persuade us otherwise are also just your opinion, unless of course your opinion is the only one that counts

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@BeefySenpie I'm not persuading anyone, at least not consciously. Anyone can agree or disagree of course. And no my opinion isn't the only one that counts but as long as I don't see a opinion I can reason with, I will support and argument for mine.

This message was deleted by the author of the main post.

MayorOfCrushtown · M

This is the internet, and they shouldnt be surprised when it happens. And most times, the people who get hurt the most, are the ones who dont have other options. Like you said, always have a plan B. even better if you have a plan C D E and F.

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@MayorOfCrushtown "Respond me. OR I WILL DIE"

🤣

MayorOfCrushtown · M

@Queendragonfly well, yeah, there is that approach. LOL

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@MayorOfCrushtown I sometimes see people comment on my posts or comments "Sorry I didn't respond sooner"

and all I think is

"What has happened to this world?"

People have been globally gaslighted to think they owe people their responds or time. Absolutely bonkers.

summersong · F

Sorry but no. If it’s someone you only know casually then maybe. But if you’ve been talking to someone for years, really investing in your friendship/relationship/whatever and they just bail without saying anything? It’s shitty and it just shows how little they actually think of you. Is it their right? Absolutely. But that doesn’t make it justifiable. Boundaries are a completely different thing btw.

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@summersong Yes as in you clearly find people's self respect actions shitty. And people who ghost you has probably already figured out that you're not that nice so instead of risking hearing "buuuuuhuuu you shitty person" from you, they just bail. In peace.

summersong · F

@Queendragonfly I don’t think you know what ghosting actually is. Ghosting is not self-respect. If someone wants to tell me how much they like me one day and then disappear how is that anything but cruel?

Btw automatically blaming someone you don’t know at all for being hurt by the loss of a friend says a lot about you. None of it good.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@summersong I think deciding whom I decide to not contact is 100% based on self respect. 🙌

PaleandPolluted · 36-40, F

Soft ghosting that's traumatic....

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@PaleandPolluted What's confusing with it? Aren't you aware that rejection can happen?

I get if it was new as a teen. Where we yet were to learn how the world works. But as adults I think it's about time we know the rules.

PaleandPolluted · 36-40, F

@Queendragonfly they go hot and cold, they come back.. then disappear

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@PaleandPolluted But you let them do that. So...why should I feel sorry for you?

If you don't like how they act you have a choice too you know.

Roundandroundwego · 61-69

Ghosting was always possible if you kept moving. Now it's normal and character isn't a thing. Be whatever!
That's not social. It's great for the owners.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Roundandroundwego I think knowing who you like to talk to and not is the proof of someone with character.

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