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Unpopular opinion: Ghosting isn't that big of a deal 👻

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I have always said that it's everyone's right to set up boundaries. The word [i]no[/i] is one boundary. To cancel /reject/ break up / cut contact is another. And ghosting is a third.

All are different ways of sending a message. Sometimes it's personal. "I don't wanna talk to you anymore"

And sometimes it's not personal. Maybe someone didn't have energy or time to respond, maybe they forgot they didn't respond, maybe they're waiting for you to respond, maybe their phone died, maybe they had no reception, maybe they just were so stressed that they decided to take care of it later. Whatever the reason is. It's about their [i]need[/i] rather than about hurting you.

Whatever the case may be. You have always the power and choice to reach out, you also have the power and choice to set a boundary too. This part is often forgotten. So instead you feel sorry for yourself, you feel hurt, you feel like the victim. And you do nothing about it.

I'm reminding you that you don't have to put yourself in such a petty situation to begin with. If you feel ghosted or ignored or rejected or mistreated. You can set a boundary and take charge.

Examples: "If you don't respond within the end of this day. I will assume we're over"

"You haven't answered me. So I'm gonna cancel our plans and plan something else"

"I don't like the way you wait x long to reply. If this is how you are gonna communicate, I don't wanna continue"

Bottom line is. [b]Always have a plan B.
[/b]

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GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

Well, a lot of times people are ok with something socially disrespectful until the shoe is on the other foot.

I think context matters. I.e., how long people were talking for and what the nature of interaction or relationship is (if any), and so on.

Functional healthy societies only work if people are willing to play ball.

If we create and uphold a toxic culture, then we continue to see a worsening of the atomization and lonliness epidemic present today.

Granted, there are many factors to this, but how we treat people matters.

People are losing respect for eachother and that is not good.

And I know I could do a better job in that reguard, too.

IMO it can be just a lazy and haphazard way of treating people.

It furthers an attitude towards others where everyone is just an interchangeable nothing.

And then eventually you'll end up in societies where people don't trust anyone.

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine "I think context matters. I.e., how long people were talking for and what the nature of interaction or relationship is (if any), and so on."

Matters to who?

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GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly To the people involved in the interaction.

CestManan · 46-50, F

@GeistInTheMachine [quote]If we create and uphold a toxic culture, then we continue to see a worsening of the atomization and loneliness epidemic present today. [/quote]

Culture is toxic. I think the reason some are lonely is because they prefer not to deal with other people's bull. That is how I am.

Thing is when we get involved with people is we do not know the bad news until it is too late.

of couse when someone screws us over, people say it is our own fault for getting involved with them.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@CestManan [quote]I think the reason some are lonely is because they prefer not to deal with other people's bull. That is how I am. [/quote]

I think it's also because you prefer to not deal with your own bull.

As in. Stand behind your choice to date, and stand behind the risk of being burned, just like everyone else.

If you aren't prepared to lose, don't play the game.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine

[quote]To the people involved in the interaction.
[/quote]

There is no interaction if someone doesn't respond?,

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Again, context matters IMO. Dating? Friendship? Family? Someone you meet at church or out and about? Chit-chating? I dunno. You're being very general.

It's not about being entitled or owed this or owed that. The way I see it there is just a bare minimum level of respect and human decency.

Sounds like you've boiled everything social down to a currency exchange. Very corporate Facebookesque.

I think that is weird and bordering creepy/robotic.

Few people are saying that you owe people time and have to keep talking to them. You are missing the point.

It's in how you engage and disengage.

Different levels of interactions carry different social expextiations.

Do I agree that one should not have the highest of expextations placed on once another?

Yes. These are trying times.

But there is also a bare minumum of common fair-play social decency.

Be aware the social fabric is fragile.

How we treat others comes back to us.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Yes, the interaction ceases at that specific point in time. The question is what is the context, ma'am.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@CestManan I get that. This is what I am trying to explain to folks here. We are creating and worsening this issue for one another.

I largely feel the same.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Oh, so this is about dating. Would help to be specific.

Yeah, the dating game is brutal because people have made it more so than it has to be.

And now we see the rammifications of that in society and family/reproductive societal structure. As well as gender dynamics.

Are you happy with the way this is? Do you think it is healthy? Has it been personally fulfilling for you? Or have we simply commodified eachother to such and extent that we now hate eachother more than ever?

The rammifications of this matter. It's not a game.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine [quote]The way I see it there is just a bare minimum level of respect and human decency. [/quote]

I think it's bare minimum and human decency to accept others choices.

You think it's creepy that people can respect someone's boundary. I think it's common sense and the smartest response for anyone involved.

I'm not a robot. I'm just selective with my reactions. Why would I waste my time and try xomttol something yhsy isn't in my hands? For example. If you would block me now. I would have 0% reaction. Because

1. I respect others boundaries

2. I want to be respected for my boundaries the save way I respect yours

3. It's everyone's right what to do with their time, who to talk to and not.

If we would be best friends and you didn't respond for a week. I would have a minor worry, and either I I would text you that I worried. Or I would handle my worry with other tools.

If you're my partner and you have a dangerous job and you ajwats respond every day but today you didn't. I would be moderately worried at first. Then I would tap in to "It's not in my control" and either teach out. Or distract myself.

However. To get mad and feel hurt and mega worried and personally attacked for any of these situations, will 100% make me feel lonely and horrible.

If you don't understand this robotic response. Google stoic practice. That's what I'm all about. It's very simple. Decide the response that benefits you the most.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Those are all wildly different social contexts you're lumping together.

I used to think the anti social media stuff was overblown. But now I am starting go think it really is making people lose touch socially and disrupting society on a core level.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine Are you happy with the way this is? Do you think it is healthy? Has it been personally fulfilling for you?

Am I happy that people don't respect others boundaries? No.

Am I happy that there exists abusive people online avd irl? No.

Is it healthy to select who we wanna keep in contact with and not? Absolutely. I think it's a must if someone wanna be happy in life.

Is it fulfilling to have a choice to not take others boundaries personally? Yes, definitely. It's very liberating.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

You wanted context so I gave you a few contexts as examples :)

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Woah, now we are jumping to abusive interactions. Yeah, that is something else entirely. No one is saying you should stick around to be mistreated.

You're being very defensive, IMO.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Fair enough.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Yeah, those social contexts bring different levels of weight in what the expectation would be.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine But "no one" is everyone who think they haven't mistreated someone and owe explanations or even attention from someone they have had a "fair length" of contact with.

The issue here is, you don't get to decide how someone feels about you. Too many people are afraid of being rejected. But I don't see it as a threat. We will always like and dislike all kinds of people for all kinds of reasons. That's also our right.

Imagine a world where no one would reject or dislike anyone. It would be absolute chaos.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine No matter the context the expectation should be: I can be rejected by anyone anytime and it's ok. I'm gonna be ok.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly It's good to be stoic to a degree, IMO, but I don't think a society in which at at any time ghosting on a whim is normalized is gonna stay healthy for long, lol. sounds like a recipe for ripped social fabric and mental illness... sounds like what we have today and that you are rationalizing it.

But agree to disagree.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly Ok, but no one is saying that you cannot dislike or "reject" someone. I'm talking about how we treat others and social courtesy. The issue is not cutting contact in itself, imo,. Rather, how we engage and disengage socially and how we respect eachother in sociey.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine I think the biggest problem started when Facebook started with read reciets and old time messages became interactive ongoing online chats, giving people the impression that you're always able to reach someone else "asap" as in on the second you text them and that your validation as a person is tied up in whether someone responds you or not.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly People give Facebook way too much power. It is superficial garbage and should not be taken so seriously.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@GeistInTheMachine I grew up in the 90's where you sent a text message and there was no indication if someone read it. You didn't sit staring at the phone waiting for their reply or had tantrums when someone didn't respond within seconds or minutes or (insert your choice of time frame) and so I will keep my unpopular opinion. Ghosting is just a made up term for people who were born into social media, who think their entire value as a person is determined by likes and responds.

so to claim that we should support this online madness mentality is for me absolutely not a goal.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Queendragonfly I grew up in the 90's too, but i think this widespread social dysfunction is in part caused by too much online madness and especially social media.

Again, if you disregard enough people's feelings there is bound to be social blowback.

This leads to a sick society like we have today.

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