This post may contain Mildly Adult content.

Struggles & Identity > Struggles

Mildly Adult

Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

I Have Insomnia

Something very troubling. I have felt to blame for my father's suicide. I was 5 months short of 4 years old when he killed himself. Before that event, the home was in turmoil. I've felt it was my demands as a child, my needs, that pushed him over the edge. So I grew up without a loving father too. Perhaps this is why I have the self esteem of a stone, where players make a bee line for me, and I cannot sleep well, have insomnia

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

Soossie

Dear Lady.... it must have been hard to grow up with that feeling.... but you are not a child anymore... I have found you wise, strong and determined....

I had felt so guilty about my loving dad... I felt guilty because of a relationship that I had and he never approved it....

he died when I was married to someone that he really liked as his son in law.... but the guilt feeling has stayed with me until today...

This song never fails to make me cry.... never

[media=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wwCykGDEp7M]

SW-User

@Soossie Aww Soossie, Thank you for your kind, wise words, sharing what happened to you, and this beautiful song. I cried too when I listened to it...all the pain,the loss, the sorrow

Soossie

(((Hugs))) we just try to live our lives... and should not feel guilty about anything... guilt is a very destructive feeling.

SW-User

@Soossie (((Hugs))) Agreed guilt is a destructive feeling. I've felt to blame, the catalyst for what happened. But it's true, I'm not a child anymore and must know this isn't true

bookerdana · M

I am always a little shocked and in this case,stunned by the power of guilt. I am sure it has occurred to you that no four year old child has that kind of influence over a grown man. I knew a woman on EP who thought she was the cause of her Dads sadness,and there was no reasoning with her.
I can only wish you a heartfelt wish that you find peace of heart soul and mind,and a restitution of sleep.You do deserve it.

SW-User

@bookerdana Thank you dear friend❤

bookerdana · M

You are quite welcome. Nobody should be carrying such weight on their shoulders for so long and I hope you can find peace,as I said,,you deserve it

beckychandler · F

If you mean you think your father was overwrought about the financial, emotional, etc. responsibilities of taking care of a child --that is a challenge that every father, rich and poor, has faced since Adam. If it was so daunting for this man to man up to his most important responsibility --the fault lies clearly with him and no one else.

SW-User

@beckychandler Thank you. It's affected all aspects of my life, including the men I chose, my self esteem. The loss and way he died have been catastrophic. Many thanks for what you say here about fathers, parenting

katielass · F

You were a child, it's not your fault in any way.

SW-User

@katielass Thank you.

Peaches · F

@katielass Exactly!!!😞

Vetrov · 61-69, M

Children take on all the problems of their families/the world...(l did that at a later age)...lm sure this is in there somewhere. And it isn't discussed. Nor are "adult orphans"...

This comment is hidden. Show Comment

View 8 more replies »

SW-User

@imLobo Agree

SW-User

@imLobo @imLobo Thank you

This comment is hidden. Show Comment

SW-User

Thank you everyone for your supportive and enlightening responses

SW-User

I am sorry you went through that I really am. Life is hard and we want some comfort and for a little bit the players make us feel special and adored and it feels so nice to be wanted for that little time .
Perhaps, a loving relationship scares us a bit, we understand abandonment more than we do stability? (This is me thinking out loud)

SW-User

@SW-User Thank you, and exactly so Justmerae... Players say all the things we have longed to hear, but ultimately they're insincere. Its very seductive though. Meanwhile true love, stability, is foreign to us

SW-User

So so sad to read this. Whatever his reasons - it was his choice and his alone. As a young child how could you appreciate it. He was clearly in a very dark place himself which is so sad he couldn't see a positive way out.

SW-User

@SW-User Thank you. It is sad... My father was indeed in a very dark place, and could not have been thinking about the terrible impact his suicide would have, not least on his daughter but his wife, my mother, too. Reverberated throughout his family and still does

SW-User

@SW-User I can imagine it does. Sadly the pain that it will cause others is not something they think of in those dark last days.

SW-User

@SW-User No, agreed

Autumn321 · 51-55, M

Hey u were a kid no reason u blame urself

SW-User

You are not to blame. Hugs.

Peaches · F

I'm so sorry! Who told you it was your fault?!😕I don't believe it's EVER the fault of a child when a parent commits suicide. 🥀👶 Forgive so you can sleep better my friend.😔✨💫

SW-User

@Peaches Thank you my friend for your kind, supportive words❤

Peaches · F

@SW-User *HUGS*💓

SteveTomms · 56-60, M

You really can't take any responsibility whatsoever...... but you know that already. It's difficult when you're not sleeping not to think differently though....I can understand that too....

SW-User

Thank you for sharing. There's nothing else to say. I'm sorry, but I know that feels meaningless. In any case - I know enough about you to know you are a person who feels deeply.

This comment is hidden. Show Comment

SW-User

@BlueClapTrap How so? Thank you for the hugs 🤗

This comment is hidden. Show Comment

SW-User

@BlueClapTrap Ah OK. I see what you mean. As Soossie has said, we do what we can, just try to live our lives. My task is to move from thoughts grounded in childhood to an adult state, to know and understand I was not responsible for my father's suicide.
🤗Hugs🤗 for you