Had an existential crisis last night

I believe I basically found out that the reason why I have my spiritual "gift" is that there is no reason. It was completely random. This completely goes against my belief system that everything happens and is some way for a reason and really overwhelmed and confused me. And that "gift" I randomly have is a very dangerous one. It means I am easily prone to psychosis and must tread a thin line between sanity and insanity. It requires me to live with a constant level of careful analysis and rationalization to avoid slipping into delusion. In addition as I already know my "gift" unfortunately means I am vulnerable to unsavory entities and must exercise extreme caution (and not only that but self control as some of these entities can be very alluring) when utilizing it to avoid these.

I also confirmed that there is no way to break my bond with certain demonic entities until I die, basically. I already suspected that but it was hard news to take.

I was so agitated by it all last night I had to take a benzo to calm myself and finally sleep.

Anyways to most folks who haven't been following my posts none of this is going to make sense, sorry.